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It was because of him that I was putting myself through daily hell trying to find some form of absolution for my most heinous of sins.
Yet, Father Patrick showed me that I would never find it through punishing myself. I could only find the absolution I so desperately sought through the opposite. I needed to do good in the world, rather than harm to myself.
Why, after all these years, did the Lord see fit to remind me of these teachings?
I climb out of bed. My knees touch the soft carpet. It is another reminder that the luxuries around me were bought with the blood of innocents. Teddy and his family are members of a prolific crime family.
Just as they killed Father Murphy, they surely killed others. This carpet and the other extravagances around me were bought with sin.
Before I can even bow my head to ask for clarity on why the Lord gave me such a dream, the answer comes to me.
It is a reminder of who Teddy is.
He is not my Savior.
Jesus is my Savior.
Teddy is my Satan.
My heart squeezes in pain as I say this to myself.
At the time Father Patrick spoke to me, it had been years since I'd seen Teddy. Perhaps the Lord understood that I would struggle with this.
Teddy doesn't look like a devil. He certainly doesn't act like one. If anything, seeing him again made me start to question everything that Father Patrick told me. When Teddy is around me my body responds to him. More than just my body, it's as if my heart reaches out for him, too.
When he held me in the cathedral as I tried to escape my body ached for him. His touch felt too good against my skin. I find myself craving it again, even now.
Was Father Patrick right? Could he really be some demon sent to help me cover up my sin? Some evil force to lure me away from the light?
I squeeze my eyes shut.
"He is not my Savior," I say aloud. "Jesus is my Savior."
"Who's not your Savior?"
His voice behind me causes me to jump. I fall from my knees onto the floor. My eyes open and he's rushing forward, clearly distraught over the fact that he's startled me.
"Are you okay?" he asks, concern dripping from his voice, causing me, once again, to question everything that has grounded me for the past eight years.
I back away from him as if he is a leper.
"Don't touch me!" I nearly shout, knowing that I can't handle the feeling of his hands on me again.
He puts his hands up and backs away slowly.
"Okay," he says. "No problem."
I swallow thickly and stand, brushing imaginary dust off my dress. "Thank you," I say.
He just nods his head, looking like a puppy dog that just got hit with a newspaper.
Temptation.
That is what Teddy is.
He tempted me into sin ten years ago. I know he will do it again if I don't steel myself against him.
I am just months away from the end of my "formation," as it's called. I was hoping to take my final and lifelong vows in the coming months. However, there were some questions about whether I was ready and whether I had truly discerned what God was asking of me in this life.
