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“I suppose it does,” I murmur, the fight finally draining out of me. I’m going to be here forever.
Satisfied, the queen finally drops her act, and I see her true feelings towards me. Her eyes narrow, malice flicking across them. “If you ever think to betray us, I will have him tortured,” she tells me in a flat voice, making it obvious that this isn’t a threat, but a promise. “Over and over again. Death would be a sweet relief for him, but no, I’ll make sure he’s kept alive,” she continues, her violent aura making me feel sick to my stomach. “His safety is in your hands.”
I take a deep breath to stop myself from screaming or throwing up then slowly nod my head. She’s not playing around now, and I won’t risk doing anything that would cause her to lash out at my mates. “I understand.”
She sits upright, brushing an invisible piece of lint from her skirt, acting like she didn’t just hold the wellbeing of my mate over my head. “You may leave now. Someone will arrive in the morning to bring you to court.” She dismisses me with an absent wave, and I know there’s no use trying to argue. Even if there was, I don’t have the mental capacity to fight with her now, not with my sanity threatening to shatter at any moment.
In a daze, I turn and stumble through the now open doors. I have no idea when they were opened, I heard nothing, although that might be due to the ringing in my ears blocking out all other sound. I shuffle into the corridor, trusting my feet to carry me somewhere safe in this sanctuary full of witches who want to use me or see me dead.
ChapterThree
Imanage to keep myself together until I get to my rooms. Atlas, my silent, watchful shadow, follows at a distance behind me. He doesn’t say anything or come any closer, giving me the space I so desperately need. Had I been feeling anything but numbness, I might have snapped at him, either to leave me alone or to stop hovering—I’m not sure which.
Honestly, I’m not sure how I make it back to my rooms, but as the familiar sight of my door appears, I quickly move towards it, pushing it open and wandering straight through to the bedroom. Kicking off my shoes, I climb up onto the mattress, not bothering to get undressed despite the dirt and blood on my clothes.
Burrowing under the covers, I pull one of the pillows that smells like Nicolai close, needing the scent of one of my mates, although the whole bed already smells like Atlas. I’m comfortable and safe, surrounded by the smell of two of my mates, yet Syn is locked in a cell, all because he came for me.
That is what finally breaks my composure. The first sob that rips from my chest is agonising, my heart aching as my suppressed feelings from the events of the day take over. I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t even focus on what’s causing me to fall apart in this moment. The strong mask I built around myself is cracking, and no matter how I’ve tried to repair the cracks, there’s nothing more I can do to stop myself from breaking down entirely. The only thing I do know is that all of this has happened because of me, and the guilt is so strong it almost takes my breath away.
As I fall deeper into my despair, the barely healed wounds from the last few months tear open, exposing the raw, vulnerable female beneath. What I see only makes my sorrow greater. The once confident, loved girl I was is gone, and in her place is a scared, scarred figure that I don’t recognise. I’ve been forced to take part in brutal, dehumanising trials made to test the strongest werewolves and make impossible decisions on whether to save my friends, family, or mates. I’ve been horribly injured and almost died on several occasions, and I’d be dead if not for my mates and friends who helped me along the way.
I’m aware of Atlas hovering at the end of the bed, his heartbreak at watching me fracture reaching me loud and clear through the bond. He wants to help but doesn’t know how, and if I had it in me, I’d look up and call him to me. However, I’m struggling to even breathe as the sobs rack my body. The weight of everything that’s happened over the last couple of months has finally broken me, and I can’t carry it alone any longer.
“You don’t have to,” Atlas comments gruffly, the mattress dipping as he climbs on the bed beside me. “You’re not alone. Let me help.”
His warmth surrounds me as he scoops me into his arms and moves in behind me, cocooning my body with his. Our bond may not be complete, but my body still recognises him as mine, accepting his strength and comfort as I’m pulled back, resting against his chest.
I hadn’t realised that I’d spoken aloud, but his comment is in direct response to the thought I’d been having. My breathing is easier, something his presence has helped with, and sobs no longer rack my body, but it’s still uneven, and my throat is tight with sorrow. “Everything that’s happened—” My voice breaks with my pent-up emotions. “All the pain everyone has been through… It’s because of me,” I say through my gasping breaths, burying my face against his chest, unable to see his expression. His shirt is getting wet from my tears, and the silence that follows my comment hangs between us.
He agrees, the toxic voice in the back of my mind whispers.He’s realising that everything happened because of you. Nicolai wouldn’t have lost his wolf, and Syn wouldn’t be stuck here if not for you.
“Bullshit.”
I’m startled by the anger behind his comment, but I brace myself nonetheless. I know Atlas would never hurt me, but I still flinch at his touch. Gentle but firm, he lifts my chin until we’re face to face. Despite fearing what I’ll see, my eyes are drawn to his. There is anger burning in those silver orbs, but somehow, I know it’s not aimed at me. Perhaps it’s our bond telling me this, or the way he’s holding me in his arms like he’d take all of the pain in the world just to stop me from hurting.
Brushing his fingers across my cheeks to wipe away my tears, he holds my gaze. “You didn’t ask for any of this.” His voice is gentle yet firm, not giving me a single inch to doubt or contradict what he’s saying. “Everything that’s happened was due to the decisions of others. We all make decisions, for better or worse. Your mate is here becausehemade that decision. You competed in the trials because your council decided you had to. You were taken and brought here against your will, setting off a whole cascade of events, because the decision to abduct you was made by someone in power.”
I don’t miss the fact that he doesn’t name the person who made the decision to steal me away from the werewolves. While the queen might not have been the one who came up with the idea, she would have been the one to approve the action. However, I don’t say anything, his words settling over me as another tear escapes, rolling down my cheek.
His grip on my chin tightens as I try to look away. “None of that was you,” he repeats slowly and forcefully. The molten silver in his eyes flickers with emotions so intense that I have to drop my gaze, unable to process or deal with what I see there.
While I might not have been the one making those decisions, the events that happened were a direct consequence of my presence. If Syn had never met me, he wouldn’t be injured, half mad and locked away in his enemy’s hands. Atlas wouldn’t suffer the grief of being my mate from his peers, and Nicolai would still be a werewolf, away from the torture he faced to be here. Not to mention Joel and Scott. They would just be going on with their lives as they were before I stumbled into it and made it difficult. If my poor father had never found me abandoned in the woods, I would have died, and none of this would have happened.
“If I wasn’t around,” I start, my voice breaking once more. “If I had never been born—”
“Don’t you dare start that shit.” With a growl that could rival a werewolf’s, Atlas shakes my shoulder until I raise my eyes to his again. “Your birth is nothing to regret!” He looks furious. “You’re here because your goddess willed it and blessed you. You’re not going to start questioning your goddess, I know you, so trust that she brought you here for a reason.”
He makes a fair point. The goddess and I have a deep relationship. We always have, and I never doubted my place or purpose until my magic manifested the night Star appeared. According to everything I was taught, the goddess is all knowing and makes no mistakes, which means she made me as I am. She promised she’d always be with me, and she wouldn’t forsake me now, not when I need her the most. This doesn’t stop my guilt completely though. I might be here for a reason, but I’m still sorry for the pain it causes those around me, especially those she chose to be my mates.
“I can assure you that none of your mates regret that you were born,” Atlas says, somehow reading my mind. “Not even me.” This last comment is said with the tiniest ghost of a smile.
My chest still aches with the weight of my troubles, especially my fears of what’s going to happen to Syn, however, I’ve stopped crying as Atlas’s comments sink in. Cheeks tight and flushed from my tears, I search his face, looking for any signs of deception. Our relationship has been turbulent over the short time we’ve known each other, and because of that, we’ve not yet taken that final step to seal our bond. This declaration sparks the tiniest speck of hope within me, helping to pull me from the depths of my despair.
If he truly means this, that he doesn’t regret me being here when he’s seen me at my absolute lowest, then he must have accepted that we’re mates. My breath hitches in my throat as my bond wakes up and pushes forward. Our bodies are close, so close that his breath tickles my cheek. His pupils widen as he senses my bond reaching for his, the scent of my arousal giving me away. His grip on me tightens as he attempts to hold himself back, his own arousal reaching me.
The urge to arch my back and push into him is strong, especially when my wolf is also yearning for our mate’s touch. Biting down on my lip, I squeeze my eyes shut, using the pain to focus myself, needing the clarity it brings. While I’d love to just fuck my sadness away, and wrap myself in Atlas and mate with him, it’s not how it should go. He deserves more than this, more than my desperate touch and need for healing through sex. When we do finally fuck for the first time and seal our bond, I want it to be unhurried and something we both enter into without regrets. If we did it tonight, I would always wonder if he would have made the same decision if not for the events of today and the need to comfort me.
When I open my eyes, I find him watching me with a solemn expression. His hold on me has softened, but it’s firm enough that I know he won’t be letting go of me anytime soon. Heart aching, I sink against him, resting my cheek against his chest. With a quiet sigh, he rests his chin against the top of my head and starts to rub my back with slow, gentle movements.
