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“I was supposed to be part of that family,” Sarah said, her voice pained.
“Gray, please?” I didn’t want to do this in front of her. I couldn’t bear the thought of exposing my most painful memory, leaving myself open to her judgment.
Sarah took a step back and stared at me like I’d just slapped her. “What the heck did I ever do to you, Kent? You’ve spoken maybe three words to me since I met you, and the rest of the time you just give me dirty looks. I’ve been nothing but nice to—”
“You knew,” I shouted. “You knew he was gay, and stayed with him anyway. You say you love him, but you let him hide that part of himself. He’s been struggling with this for twenty years, and you let him.” I took a step back, staring her up and down. “Do you know what it’s like? Hiding away an entire piece of yourself from the world because you’re scared you’re going to lose everything that means anything to you? I get that this sucks for you, I really do, but he didn’t lie to you. He didn’t cheat. He never even kissed me until you two broke up. You have no fucking clue what this has done to him. The battle that’s been going on inside.”
“Kent,” Gray whispered. I glanced over at him, and his eyes were misty. “Don’t. Please?”
“You didn’t tell him?” she asked Gray.
He shook his head. “It wasn’t my story to tell.”
It was as if a lightbulb went off in her head. Like the puzzle pieces finally fit, but she hated the picture it painted. “I know exactly what he’s going through,” she said, taking a step toward me.
“Sarah, you don’t have to—”
“No,” she said, glaring at Gray. “He was happy enough to write me off as some heathen that was set out to hurt you. He’s talking about me like I’m some dang monster.” Her glare shifted to me, and when our eyes met, I flinched. “Kent, if you’d have taken the time to get to know me, I could have told you that Gray isn’t the only one trying to work through this. I know exactly what he’s going through.” She turned and stared at Gray, her face practically glowing red with heat. “You promised, Bun-bun. You said we’d do this together. What am I supposed to do now? We spent eight years trying to fix each other, and you’re just throwing all of that hard work away.”
Gray made his way toward her, taking her shaking hands in his. “Bunny.” His voice was small and broken. Like he was losing a part of himself. Like he was saying goodbye to a life he’d planned. A life that never included me.
“You swore,” she said.
“I know I did. For a while, I thought maybe everyone else was right. That we were both born broken. But then Kent came back. He came back, and it was …God,Sarah, it was like I’d been living in a world without color, and he was the rainbow. He burst through the clouds, making everything better and brighter. I thought we needed to be fixed—that God made us wrong to test us—but what if he didn’t?”
She shook her head, her hands fists at her sides. She looked about five seconds away from decking Gray right in the face, and I readied myself to throw my body in front of him like a human shield. “That’s blasphemy. You can’t—you shouldn’t say things like that.” She peered up at the ceiling, wincing like she was scared God was going to strike her down, the same way Gray did anytime I took the Lord’s name in vain. “He’s listening. He knows.”
Gray nodded. “He does. He knows our hearts. The past, the present, the future. He sees it. All that is, and all that was. The God I know would never put Kent Fox in front of me and expect me to walk away from him as some sort of test of faith. The God I know wouldn’t create me, knowing the path I would walk, only to send me to Hell for it in the end. I want you to have what he and I have. I want you to wake up with purpose—the same purpose Kent gives me. You deserve that love, too. I thought I could be the one to give that to you, but I can’t. If I could see you the same way I see him, I would; because you’re pure, Sarah. You’re pure and kind, and you deserve to be loved just as much as I do.” He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers, and whispered something to her I couldn’t make out. Her eyes blew wide open, and her jaw went slack. He craned his neck to the side and shot his mother a glare. “We arenotbroken, and we donotneed fixing. We’re just as He made us, same as you.”
“For God’s sake,” Esther said, throwing a plate into the sink, the sound of it shattering echoing through the kitchen. “This is your soul, Grayson. You’re really going to gamble with eternity because you ‘know your God?’” The mocking tone she threw at Gray grated at me. He was baring his soul and she was refusing to even listen. I took a step forward, readying myself to rain down holy Hell on her, but Gray was already on it.
“It’s not a gamble. I know what’s in my heart. And if he created me just to damn me in the end, then shame on Him. Shame on Him, and shame on you for thinking that’s okay.” He turned back to Sarah and smiled. “I want you to be happy. I might not love you the way you deserve to be loved, but I do love you. I know you might not see it now, and you might not ever be able to forgive me, but I want this for you. I want you to have someone that’s going to treat you like you deserve to be.”
“You really don’t think it’s wrong?”
“Not anymore. I think we’re just as we’re meant to be, and anyone that can’t see that isn’t worth a second of our time.” His fingers brushed through her hair, and she leaned into his touch. “You’re gonna make someone really happy one day.”
As the conversation devolved into a repetitious discussion about scripture and acceptance, I turned and stared at Marty, still frozen in place like he’d seen a ghost. When Gray left to walk Sarah to her car, Marty made his way toward me and pulled me in for another hug, his arms squeezed so tightly around me that I could barely breathe.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “If I’d known—”
“I know,” I interrupted. “I know, Marty.”
When Gray made it back to the kitchen, he looked like someone had sucked the life out of him.
“Are you okay?” I said.
He nodded, his eyes only meeting mine for a moment, before darting back to the floor. “I’m tired, Kent. I just want to go home.”
I gave him a nod and slid my hand into his. Marty took a step forward, and then his arms were pulling us both in. “All my life, I prayed for you to be happy, son. It’s all I’ve wanted.” He smiled at me. “This will make you happy? Kent’s it for you?”
Gray stared at me with an intensity so strong that I could hardly stand it. It was lake water and frenzied moans. Us in the movie theater, Gray’s eyes heavy with affection as he said, “Gosh, that was scary.” White chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies minus the nuts. It was Gray Collins standing on a rickety ladder, spanking me for a cheap thrill. It was Fruit Stripe gum and lunch for two in the employee break room.
It was us.
It wasalwaysgoing to be us.
“He always has been,” Gray said.
