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It’s not like the Howlers are exactly flush with cash. And if the Kings are investing in the club, I can’t see how they’re making any money. Maybe that’s why Hawk is here: to get the business end of their arrangement sorted out. I’m not well versed in club business but that’s really the only thing that makes sense to me. He’s obviously not here for a social call and the tension I can hear in their muffled voices kind of lines up with what I’m thinking. Which means Hammerhead is not going to be a happy man. Which also means I should get ready to take a beating or two just because he’s in a foul mood. I sigh and shake my head. I’m so tired of being his punching bag. That sense of courage I had last night is welcome to come back any time now.
The sound of their chairs scraping the wooden floor snaps me out of my self-pity and sets my heart racing. As light on my feet as I can, I dash back into the kitchen, rounding the corner just as the office door opens. The sound of heavy footsteps precedes Hawk as he comes down the hallway. I catch just a glimpse of him but see that his face is tense, his whole body is taut, and he looks angry, making me blow out a low breath knowing what’s coming next.
I grab a rag and am pretending I’ve been cleaning up in here instead of listening at the office door when Hammerhead stomps down the hallway and comes into the kitchen. He glares at me for a moment before walking to the refrigerator. He pulls open the door and grumbles to himself before he grabs a beer and twists the top off, tossing it onto the ground near my feet for me to pick up.
“There ain’t shit to eat in here,” he mutters.
“Maybe if we had some money, we could get some groceries brought in,” I tell him. “Maybe if we had more money, we could fix a few things around here to make it more… habitable.”
He rounds on me, his face red and his eyes burning with anger. He then repeats what I just said in a mocking falsetto that grates on my nerves. “Maybe we could fix it and make it morehabitable,”he sneers, but the last word trips him up and he mispronounces it. I don’t dare laugh, though.
“Yeah, because money just grows on trees, huh?” he snaps.
“I just thought that if you and Hawk were talking business that maybe some money would be coming in.”
He steps closer to me, his bulky frame looming over me. Even though I’m terrified, I don’t give ground and don’t let him see just how scared I am. I give myself an internal high-five as I somehow manage to keep myself from trembling.
“Maybe you shouldn’t be talkin’ about shit that don’t concern you,” he growls.
I shrug. “I was just saying, that if we had some extra money, we could get some food in the house,” I reply. “I mean, you were just complaining about—”
“Shut your mouth,” he sneers. “You know, you’re gettin’ awful lippy lately. And I’m gettin’ real tired of hearing you run your damn mouth.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t mean to, I was just—”
“You were just stickin’ your nose into business that ain’t got nothin’ to do with you,” he growls low. “Again. How many times do I have to tell you to stay outta club business? You ain’t part of the club.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just… there are some things falling apart around here and I just hoped we’d be able to fix some things up, you know?” I reply. “Like I said, it’d be nice to make the place a little nicer. A little more habitable.”
“It’s got four walls, a floor, and a roof over your goddamn head,” he snarls. “It’s habitable enough.”
I know I should just leave it at that. He’s obviously on edge and his talk with Hawk has him in a foul mood. And I know that if I keep pushing him, he’s going to snap. But something inside of me makes me want to keep pushing his buttons. Maybe until he snaps. I don’t know why. I don’t know what part of myself is going to come out when he does. Will it be the same old Molly, the girl who cowers away in fear? Or will it be the Molly I became last night, even just for a moment? Will I find that courage inside me to stand up and fight?
I’m not stupid. I know if I do stand up to him, I’ll have to immediately hightail it out of here. Hammerhead won’t let me live if I stick around. But where would I even go? I have no family. No money, nothing. And as sick as it sounds, at least here, I have some modicum of stability. I know what to expect. I get fed. Hammerhead is right and he knows it. At least I have a roof over my head. I have a bed to sleep in, even if it’s a pathetic excuse for a bed.
If I leave, I have none of that. I’ll be sleeping on bus benches and in the bushes at the park. I’ll be scrounging for food in trash cans and the dumpsters behind restaurants. I’ll be homeless and penniless. I have no friends and don’t know a soul around here. There’s nobody to help me. Nobody to take me in. What am I going to do if I leave? How will I survive?
And that’s even assuming Hammerhead himself wouldn’t track me down and just kill me. No, if I get out of here, I’ll have to go somewhere far away. Somewhere he won’t track me. And that will mean having a plan—and most importantly, keeping it secret long enough to pull it off before he notices. But is Hawk really the person I can trust with this?
Even though I don’t have the answers to those questions, that voice in the back of my mind still whispers to me, telling me that even going hungry and sleeping in doorways is preferable to what I’m enduring now. But the idea of escaping and running into that uncertainty terrifies me. It terrifies me more than Hammerhead. And I guess if I’m being honest, it’s that fear, maybe more than anything, that’s kept me here all this time.
What I don’t know is what’s changed. I’ve lived like this for a long time, under the threat of physical violence, always in fear for my life—it’s sick to say but you kind of get used to it after a while. But I’ve been losing that fear, bit by bit, over the past months. I’ve been gradually losing my fear of Hammerhead. I’ve been really thinking about making a run for it for a good, long while. But I could never force myself to take that jump.
But things are different now. Something has changed. Something is urging me to take the first step off that ledge into the unknown. I don’t know what it is or why my thoughts and feelings have all come together and are now pressing me to act, but that desire to get out of here, to just run and figure it all out as I go is stronger than it’s ever been. It’s terrifying to think about but at the same time, the thought of freedom and getting out from under the boot Hammerhead has on my neck is absolutely exhilarating.
I look up at him and frown. “I just think that maybe—”
He hurls his bottle at the wall and it explodes with a loud crash, raining down beer and small shards of glass all over the floor. Hammerhead advances on me and I can’t help but flinch when he grabs me by the shoulders and leans down, the tip of his nose only inches from mine. His disgusting breath washes over me and it’s all I can do to keep from gagging.
“I’m sick of you thinking. And I’m even sicker of listening to you runnin’ your mouth,” he growls. “The next time I want to hear your goddamn opinion about anything, I’ll tell you what it is, you got me?”
I shake my head. “I don’t mean—”
“That was a yes or no question!” he roars. “Just shut the fuck up already!”
He gives me a hard shove and I stumble backward and can’t keep my feet. I land on my ass had and slam my back into the shelving rack. Glass plates and bowls coming raining down with a hellacious crash, the glass shattering and spraying everywhere. I barely have time to cover my face before the jagged shards come crashing down, slicing up my hand and arm.
When the destruction stops, I uncover my face and raise my eyes. Hammerhead is still standing over me, glowering. His expression is even angrier than before. Like this is my fault.
