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“Yeah, can you pick up some Pringles? Oh, some Cheesy Puffs too,” I call after him.
Hawk laughs. “You got it. Anything else?”
I screw up my face and think about it for a minute then shake my head. “No, that’s about all I can think of right now.”
“All right well, I’ll text you before I leave the store just in case you have any last-minute requests,” he says.
“That is very kind of you, my love.”
“That’s because I’m a very kind man.”
I laugh and he blows me a kiss as he carries Jenkins out of the RV and heads for the car we tow behind it. We’ve set up camp just outside of a small town in southern Wyoming. It’s beautiful out here this time of year and we wanted to show Jenkins what it was like. We wanted to show him the beauty of Yellowstone before it got too cold to enjoy it.
I watch as Hawk and Jenkins drive off, leaving me alone in the RV. When I’m positive that I’m alone and they aren’t coming back because he forgot his wallet or something, I reach into the drawer and pull out the bag I’d secreted away in it. My hand is trembling and my stomach is churning as I pull the box out of the bag.
“Here goes nothing,” I mutter to myself.
I open the home pregnancy test box and pull the stick out. I look down at it and frown. I’m suddenly terrified and don’t know if I can go through with it. I don’t know why I’m afraid. I have nothing to be afraid of. Even if I am pregnant, that’s not a bad thing. Hawk and I have been talking about having another baby for a while now. We wanted to have a baby before Jenkins got much older since we wanted them around the same age.
I set the box down on the counter then go outside and take a deep breath of the crisp autumn air that’s thick with the aroma of pine and an earthy musk. It’s the scent of nature and I love it. Walking away from the RV, I follow a trail through the woods and try to clear my mind. I have no idea why I’m freaking out about this. I don’t know why being pregnant would trip me out like this.
It’s just, life has been so good for so long and I’m still just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s been a little more than two years since I got out from under Hammerhead’s thumb and ever since then, life has really been sweet. I feel like I won the lottery by meeting Hawk because he’s been such a blessing. Such a wonderful blessing in my life. He’s shown me what it is to love, to feel content, and to be happy. He’s been amazing. Is still amazing.
I stop and pluck a flower off a bush beside the trail and hold it to my nose, breathing deeply and reveling in the aroma of it. As I walk down the path, I look around and smile at the birds I see flitting from branch to branch overhead, at the butterflies who float among the bushes, and at the small squirrels that run around on the ground, darting under logs.
As I walk, I think again about the test kit back in the RV. I don’t know why I’m freaking out so bad about it. I’m pretty sure Hawk would be more than thrilled if I were pregnant. And I know I would be too. So, why am I tripping out so much about taking this test? I put my hand on my belly and smile. I think I already know anyway. I don’t think that test is going to tell me anything I’m not already aware of. I feel the same way I felt when I was pregnant with Jenkins. The insomnia, the strange cravings, and yeah, the irritability. I had all the same things when Jenkins was growing inside of me.
I just need confirmation. I’m ninety-nine-point-nine percent positive that I am. I would just feel better about it if I had confirmation that I’m carrying another baby. A girl this time. I don’t know why I’m sure it’s a girl, I just am. Call it intuition or whatever, but I’m sure.
“Stop being an idiot,” I tell myself.
I turn around and head back to the RV. I’m going to take the test and get confirmation so that Hawk and I can start planning for our life with little Jenkins and his soon-to-be little sister. Though there’s a thread of fear wrapped around my heart for some reason, I can’t deny that I’m excited as well. The thought of having a little girl, of being able to dress her up and play games with her I can’t with Jenkins, is thrilling.
I push away all the fear and focus on the excitement I’m feeling. I let it fill me, fill my heart, and fill my soul. By the time I get back to the RV, I’m smiling again, the exhilaration pushing out all the fear that had been gripping me before. I’m practically skipping back down the path and am singing a little tune to myself.
I pull the door open and step inside and instantly freeze. My heart falls into my stomach and my throat goes dry, and I start to tremble.
“Hey, baby,” comes a voice from my nightmares. “I’ve missed you.”
Hammerhead is sitting at the table in the RV, a malicious smile on his face. He’s lost weight since the last time I saw him but still has a look of ill health about him. I can tell he’s high as he sits there looking at me. He’s got that crazed gleam in his eyes that always used to terrify me.
“Wh—what are you doing here?” I ask.
“Oh, you mean after you tried to kill me?” he sneers. “Did you mean, how did I survive the arsenic poisoning? Is that what you meant?”
“Please,” I beg. “Don’t.”
“Where’s your man?” he asks, his face a mask of pure rage. “And where’s that adorable little boy of yours?”
“Please, leave them out of this. Your problem is with me.”
He slams his fist down on his table so hard, the entire RV rocks. I flinch and feel the tears welling in my eyes. This is the other shoe and it’s dropping. This is where all the fear that’s been plaguing me the last few days is coming from.
On some level, deep down inside, I knew there was something bad coming. Something horrible. And here it is. I hate it. I hate that I was right about it all along.
“How did you know?” I ask softly, tears already brimming in my eyes. “How did you know I’d escaped and wasn’t taken?”
He laughs, a low, gruff sound. “You took your diary. If you’d been taken, I doubt they would have been thoughtful enough to let you take your diary.”
