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“No, no, this isn’t going where you think it is.”
“It isn’t?”
“No. We talked about how you didn’t get to do any of theEarthcustoms,” she explained.
“What kind of Earth customs?”
“Has she explained the concept of a wedding to you?”
I thought back on all the conversations Piper and I’d had about her life on Earth, “No, I don’t think so.”
“Okay, so in an American wedding, well I guess it would be any Western wedding, I think? But we’re all American so we’ll stick with what I know. Sorry, I’m rambling. I never thought I would have to explain a wedding to an alien.” Billie paused seeing the very confused look on my face.
“Let’s try again. In an American wedding the bride—Piper, and the groom—you, stand up in front of all your family and friends and declare your commitment to each other. An officiant formally declares the union, and then the couple is announced as husband and wife. After, there is a party with dancing and cake.”
“So you aren’t asking me to mate with Piper in front of the entire tribe?” I asked.
I was even more confused because what she was asking seemed relatively simple. We regularly celebrated matings with a feast. This didn’t seem too different, just a bit more formal.
“Holy fuck, no! Is that a thing here?” She looked horrified.
“No. We’re a little freer with nudity than you all seem to be, but mating in front of the entire tribe would definitely be out of the norm.”
“Why would you jump to that then?” she cried.
“I don’t know! The way you were acting, I was expecting you to ask me to do something bizarre. This sounds just fine. Sure. Let’s have an American wedding. But if Piper already knows about this, how would it surprise her?”
“Well, good sir. We haven’t talked about an essential part that comes before the wedding. The proposal.”
“Okay. What is a proposal?” I asked, growing concerned that this was where it would get weird.
“Well, generally, when it is a man and woman—male and female,” she corrected, “the male gets down on one knee and lists all the reasons he loves his partner and then presents her with a ring and asks her to marry him.”
“So you want me to ask her to marry me even though she has already agreed to be my mate for life?” I asked, confused.
“Yes,” she said.
“Why would I ask if I already know she will say yes? Shouldn’t we just start planning the wedding?”
“Because it’s a thing!” she asserted. “Some people go over the top crazy with proposals. They hire skywriters, set up elaborate scavenger hunts, or go on hot air balloon rides. I just gave you the simplest way it is usually done.”
“Okay, I understood a minimal amount of what you just said. I don’t even know what a balloon is, let alone a skywriter. But, putting that aside, you’re saying that the actual act of asking Piper to marry me is a significant tradition?” I asked.
“Yes,” she sighed.
“Alright.”
“Alright, what?”
“Alright, I’ll ask her. Why not? You’ll need to help me set it up, but I can do that. Getting down on one knee and telling Piper why she’s the perfect soul for me doesn’t seem that hard,” I said.
“Damn, she wasn’t lying about you,” she whispered to herself.
“Hmm?” I asked
“Oh, nothing, she just gushes about how wonderful you are,” she said, rolling her eyes skyward.
I laughed, “Sorry, it doesn’t seem like a large request now that I understand. Ask Piper to marry me. Have a wedding. Done.”
