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“Sorry, just, no one’s ever said that before. And I think I needed to hear it.”
“Of course, baby. It’s a big thing, huh?”
“Yeah. Huge. I’m really excited to explore what a relationship looks like between us, Carl. You make me feel so seen. I mean, I don’t want to give you the wrong impression either. I like sex sometimes and I think I’d want it to be a part of our relationship, if you’re open to that?”
“Me too. And I am.” Carl leans in for a side hug. He brushes his lips over my temple. Touching me seems to comfort him as much as it does me. He pulls away to give me a soft smile. “As long as we both want it. Fair warning, I’m perfectly happy if sex only happens every few months, more often if we’re both in the mood?”
Carl bites his lip, like he’s bracing for me to disagree.
“That sounds perfect to me,” I rush to reassure him like he just did for me. He couldn’t be any more right for me, and I need him to know it.
Then I consider how to broach the other subject we need to discuss. How he spent last night in another man’s arms. Or at least, Saint was sleeping at his place when I showed up. Not that I have any right to be mad that he cried on a friend’s shoulder when I’m the one who made him sad. But he’s made it clear that his relationship with Saint runs deeper than most friendships.
“I suppose we should also discuss how you’re in love with Saint?”
Carl tenses at my side again, which isn’t what I wanted at all. I give him a long moment to formulate a reply instead of rushing to clarify or talking over him. “I won’t deny that I still love him. It’s not the same way I’m falling for you.” I can see his nerves as he clenches his hands together. “You should know that I wouldn’t…”
I press a finger to his lips. “It’s okay. I know. I also looked up queer platonic relationships—I guess people call them QPRs? And I’m still not sure I understand everything that means, but I support whatever is between the two of you.” Carl’s expression goes from incredulous to increasingly delighted, so I keep going. I always want to see him this happy. “Saint’s part of your family, so I want to get to know him better. But I want you to know that I would never want to come between you guys.”
“Saint would make that an innuendo about how he’d be perfectly happy to come between us, if we were into that.” Carl sounds almost giddy with relief. He snuggles back into my side, like he can’t help touching me. I’m totally on board with all the cuddles he wants to give me. “So, you’re good with Christmas brunch with Saint? And, I mean, I spend a lot of time with him.”
I kiss his cheek. “Yeah. The holidays are for family, and I understand that he’s part of the one I’m hoping we can build together. I’m not jealous of the time that you spend with your siblings or parents, so why would I be jealous of the time you spend with him?”
“How are you even real?” Carl asks. I know I made a dramatic show of my affections last night, but somehow, I’m thinking this was an even bigger Christmas gift.
“Oh, I’m plenty real. Believe me, you don’t want to smell me right now.” I make a show of sniffing my pits. “I stink after yesterday.”
“You don’t. I’ve been cuddling, so I would know. But I’m sure it was a long day.”
“You have no idea. I’m not going to miss my job once the move is final. I just want to wash the stress away.”
“Sounds good.” Carl hesitates before asking, “Can I join you in the shower?”
He fidgets adorably with the blankets.
“You want to get naked with me?” I tease, gently clasping his fingers.
“Yeah.” Carl turns his hand palm up to give me a squeeze. “I really do.”
Chapter 16
Carl—December 25th
Forallthatashared shower was my idea. I’m nervous as I follow Nick into my washroom. I hover in the doorway, watching him in my space. He’s still wearing last night’s apology sweater. The hastily appliqued letters are even more endearingly crooked in the light of day. I step closer to trace his sloppy ‘S’ with one finger.
“We can take turns in the shower if this is too fast.” Nick gives me a reassuring smile.
“It’s not that.” I’m just not quite sure how to go from standing here in our clothes to naked under the water without it being awkward.
I edge past Nick to turn on the shower. It’s not just a top-tier avoidance tactic; my shower always takes a few minutes to get warm. Saint keeps saying we need to update the old hot water heater, but I never get around to it. I’m stalling and Nick is standing patiently in the middle of my washroom.
I take a deep breath and face him. “What now?”
“Now, I want to unwrap you,” Nick gently nudges the door shut to trap the shower’s warmth. Then he leans in for a kiss, giving me plenty of time to take this in a different direction, but kissing him is perfect. He makes me feel like the precious gift his words imply he sees me as.
I love the way our lips meld together. His arms encircle me in a warm sense of belonging. I remind myself that Nick won’t be upset if this doesn’t go further than a kiss and an actual shower. Being on the same page about that makes all the difference. I press myself against him, and work my hands up under the soft green wool of his sweater.
“Mm, you can take it off for me,” Nick pulls away from my lips to offer.
