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Sophie is quiet, absorbed in her phone. I can’t break down in front of her. I don’t want to. But his touch feels safe. With another deep breath, I push down the pain.Don’t let tears fall. Ian’s forehead scrunches, and I can telepathically hear him wanting to speak about this. My lips roll in as his hand squeezes mine three times. I get his silent message. If only I could accept the love he offers. Tilting my head up, I shake away this feeling. Which is hard to do now that I’ve let it creep up to the surface. My face tightens as my stomach clenches, fighting emotions.
“Soph?” Ian looks to the rear-view mirror, getting her attention. “We’re going to take Emery home before we make our stop.”
“No!” she and I protest at the same time.
“It’s always just you and I,” Sophie complains. “Mom barely tags along.”
“I’m not letting her down.” Especially if her mother has been flaking out on her. “I can handle myself, Ian.” I still have no idea where they venture to, but she’s looking forward to it.
“Fine. But no questions about anything, Chickpea.”
She shoots him a look as if he’s lost his mind and returns to her phone. Staring at the open land, I realize we are reaching the edge of town. There isn’t much to do in surrounding towns, but how much do I know about activities after being away all these years. My hand involuntarily twists under his, lacing our fingers together. Nausea flips my stomach as we approach theThanks for Visitingsign by the cemetery. The truck slows as Ian turns his signal on. He feels me tense, and his jaw tightens as my fingers squeeze him with panicked force.
What the fuck.I might actually vomit.
“Finally!” Sophie undoes her seatbelt, leaning forward between the seats. She looks at mine and Ian’s hands. “You two would make a cute couple. I’d totally ship you guys.”
I cannot speak. I want to let go of Ian’s hand, but for the life of me, I’m gripping it tighter, and my leg starts to bounce.
“We’ll meet you out there, Chickpea,” Ian grits out through his teeth.
“Fine, but hurry.” Sophie opens the door. “Grandma and Grandpa never get new visitors. Emery hasn’t seen Grandpa in a long time.” She pauses and chuckles. “I mean, you can’t actually see him, but I like to believe he can still hear us.” Shutting the door, she skips away.
She actually skips like there is something freeing about a graveyard.
“I can tell Sophie you’re not feeling well. I don’t expect you to get out.” Nowthisis something I would have liked to have a heads up about. But I’m too stubborn to admit that to him. He already knows I’m thinking it.
My eyes zone in on the compartment in front of me hosting the coaster. There’s no way I can face this all at once. In one lifetime. Sophie stands toward the top of the hill, waving us over. She’s so comfortable accepting the fate of people passing. Not in an abnormal way where she’d be considered a psychopath, but in a strong, healed way. Why couldn’t that have been me?
“Are they close to mine?” I’m not sure how I manage to get the words out, but in a whispered strain, they do.
“A few rows over.” Releasing his hand, my teeth find my lip as I stare at the door handle. “Take your time. Or stay.” Ian opens his door, and emptiness fills me as he leaves. I need him to come back. It’s not even a want. Ineedhim to hold my hand again so I can hold myself together. He opens my door and holds out his hand. “Either way, I’m here for you.” Slipping into autopilot, I unbuckle my seatbelt, but don’t take his hand just yet. I step to the side as he shuts my door, and he stares, as if for once, unsure of his next move.
“Come on!” Sophie shouts. “What’s taking so long?”
“No questions!” Ian yells back with aggravation.
“You’re being weird.” She folds her arms over her chest.
I can do this. Just one more time.
My hands shake, and I can’t explain the nerves overtaking me. I reach my hand out to Ian, and he laces our fingers with a firm grip. With each step forward, I blink away this initial walk I did five years ago for my parents.Spotting Sophie smiling with each hand on a headstone, my throat constricts. And as my eyes flick around the area, my feet cement me in place when I see the section my parents are in. I should let go of Ian’s hand so he can carry on, but I tug it, pulling him closer. He follows my cue and places his free hand under my chin, tilting my head up.
“I’m proud of you.” His voice has never sounded so filled with admiration. “If this is as far as you go, I know you gave it your best effort.” This man is too good.
“I have to try.” He doesn’t say anything as I follow his lead up to where Sophie is crouched down between two gravestones. Ian’s father didn’t deserve to be taken so soon. He still had many more memories to make with his children and Sophie.
Sophie chats about her week to her grandparents as if it’s a casual conversation with the living. “…and Emery is here, that girl who used to come over and cook with Uncle Ian? She had the really pretty red hair, remember?” We stand back, listening to Sophie do her thing, and she turns around to glance at me. “Whoa, you looked spooked.” She takes in how my body is leaning against Ian’s arm as both hands wrap around it. “I promise I’ve never seen anything creepy here, but I get that it’s not some people’s first choice for a hangout.”
I can only nod and block out the rest of what she goes on talking about. I focus on the grass until she walks up to us.
“Are you not going to say anything, Uncle Ian?”
“I was here late last night.” That response snaps my head up at him. “Had to process something this week and needed to channel what advice they’d give.” His laugh is forced, and he shrugs, keeping his eyes on his niece.I’ve already taken enough of his energy.
Sophie shrugs, looking around. “Okay, the sun is nearly set, andI’mspooked in here after dark.”
“Let’s go.” Ian reaches his free hand out for Sophie to take. I don’t say a word the entire way home, and when Ian places his hand on my knee, I look out the window, visualizing what I’dwantto happen if Sophie wasn’t in the back seat.I need my mind to block things out for now.
