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He pulls up to my house, and I look behind me.
“Thanks for the invite, Sophie.”
“I appreciate you tagging along.” Sophie leans forward and gives my shoulder a squeeze.
I want to avoid Ian’s eyes, but I don’t have any disrespect for him. “Thank you.” I’m not sure if I mouth it, or if it comes out audible. He nods.
“I’ll walk you up.” Ian goes to undo his seatbelt.
“No,” I say too quickly. “I mean, I appreciate it, but I need a moment alone before heading inside.”
“Sweet dreams, Daisy Girl.” His expression softens as I close the door and head inside.
I go straight upstairs and fall onto my bed, staring at the ceiling. This time, holding my breath doesn’t hold back my tears. My ears capture the salted droplets as they begin to flow. The way I want to rely on Ian to help me heal and be my crutch isn’t fair to him. Or me. I sit up, sniffling my tears away and wipe my eyes. In life, no one’s stay is permanent. I need to lean on myself. Help myself. It’s not fair to lead Ian on and then take off if my fucked-up fears get in the way. I need to heal for me.Alone.
Swiping my phone open, I stare at the virtual therapy app I downloaded, but still haven’t had the guts to open. By choosing me, I’m choosing him––if he’s still there when I’m ready. The feeling of unease doesn’t go away after creating an account, and I haven’t set up an appointment––yet. I set my phone on my nightstand, praying sleep will grace me.
Chapter20
Emery
Last nightwith Sophie had done me in. I couldn’t enjoy more than two hours of sleep. It’s agonizing to watch people pour dirt on their wound, set a stone, and still be able to add flowers in memory. Though there is support, I feel alone. Paralyzed by time, yet trying to run before the last fresh petal shrivels. But the shovel keeps hitting me in an effort to wake myself from this nightmare.
I’m perplexed by my next life-altering decision. So, while I have my answer, I still want to respond to how I feel in the moment. Shutting off my car, the weight of my lungs brings a sting to my eyes as I toss my head back. I never let more than a couple of tears fall before I pull myself back together. Blinking away drops of salt, I bite my lip with a few deep breaths and suppress what I’ve worked hard to keep rooted. I watch the secretary leave the office for the day before I get out of my car and head inside. Ian’s truck is still parked, and there is a good chance he’s alone.
I walk through the doors to the small entryway and continue down the hallway. Ian is already staring at the door, waiting to see who entered. He keeps his face relaxed, but the rapid clicking of the pen top in his hand says otherwise. Swallowing nothing down my dry throat, I come into view.
“Emery.” He seems surprised, leaning back in his chair. “I hope you’re able to sleep better tonight.” That’s a nicer way of telling me I look like a zombie. When I nod and can’t form words, he continues. “You can sit, Daisy Girl. Or do you want to go for a drive and watch the sunset?”
“I promised I’d say goodbye.” The clicking of the pen in his hand stops as he freezes. I flick my gaze to the clock on his wall, reminding myself that time is still ticking. “It’s been a fun month exploring our chemistry, and I’ve gotten to uncover parts of myself…” I spew off the rehearsed excuses, as detached as I can be. “This town just isn’t––”
“No.” He stands, shaking his head like his reply is the easiest thing to say. “Don’t waste your breath or my time giving shitty reasons thatyoudon’t fully believe.”
“I do believe them.”
“Your eyes keep shifting to the right, and you’re not doing a complete lip bite,” he states with blank conviction. “I know you, Emery Davis. I’m not letting you get away with lying to me, or yourself.” I think I just gulped out loud.
“I’m still in charge of making up my own mind.” Tension in my jaw grows, and my stomach tightens with annoyance. “I tried.”
“Exactly.” He steps into me, his eyebrows drawing together as his eyes search mine. “You keep trying, and things are getting better for you. Emery, you wouldn’t step foot in a graveyard when you first arrived.” Reaching up, his hands cup my jaw as I feel it tremble. “I can’t let you throw away the effort you put into dismantling the impenetrable walls you built. Healing takes time.”
“I’ll visit more often.” I try to fight my tears. “You…you deserve a better woman.” His head shakes as I watch his eyes water.
“Stay.” His strained voice pleads, pulling every piece of my heart from my chest and into his waiting hands. I hate what I’m doing to this man.
“My life is back in Aspen,” I can only whisper.
“Mine is staring back at me.” And at that, I crumble inside. There is no way in hiding how his words steal the breath from my lungs.
“You make it sound so easy.”
“Emery, as complicated as you want to make this, us, itisthat easy to be with you. Mind-blowing sex aside, I crave the strong connection. We may have a long way to go, but I will continue to fight with you. For you. For us. I’ve spent years looking for you in too many women. You’re who I want. Need. Always have been.”
“Ian…”
“I’m listening.” He stares into my glassy eyes, demanding a proper response to words I cannot seem to form. A sharp inhale fills my lungs, and I hold it, unsure of how to tell this man who has treated me so perfectly that I cannot live up to what he sees in me. “Take your time,” he says, stepping into me as his hand cups the back of my head and pulls me into his chest. “I’m here for you.”
“Until you’re not.” The words vomit out of my mouth before I can hold them back. My body locks, battling against tears from years of pain. The thought of having to cope with losing him one day is more painful than depriving myself of the love he wants me to accept. His arms tighten around me, cradling my head as if anticipating a breakdown. I need to be strong and walk away.
