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Just one more time, Emery.
“I love you, Emery. I’m here to love you until I physically can’t. Then, my soul will wait for you in the next life. I’m here for you as you work through your pain.” He pulls back, cradling my face, wearing a look of knowing. Ian has always known my mind as if it were his own. “And when you walk away today because you’re scared and would rather work through grieving alone, I’ll still love you. And you’ll love me, just like you always have.”
My cheeks suck in as my jaw trembles, trying to keep myself together. Anger and annoyance burn through my veins as I internally scream at myself to just give in. To let us be whole-heartedly lost in each other. To let him hold me as I finally sob from how life has treated me. To mirror those around me who have dealt with heartbreak and loss and canstillfeel. Can trust in those around them to help them process the hurt and heal. I wouldn’t be fixed overnight, but he’d be by my side. With a sharp inhale, my head pulses.
He'll still love me when I walk away today.
When.
His understanding and acceptance of who I am is more than I could ask for. I need to do this for me. With the final petal plucked from my soul, I collapse, desperate for regrowth. Tears fill my eyes, and I’m ready to absorb the light that Ian continues to offer. I’ll do whatever it takes. Ian is amazing, but coupled with the effort I put in for myself, we’ll be even greater.
On a hiccupped cry, his arms encompass me. Wrapping my arms around him, my face buries into his chest, and my tears soak through his shirt.
Every breath shakes my body as I cry out. I don’t want to make a sound, but the embarrassing wail is inevitable. My fortress demolishes brick by brick as my brain loops events I want buried with my parents.
It’s my fault I’ve held it in this long. Expressing emotions did not happen in our house too often. Especially when asking to spend time with parents who had lives to save. That would end in a long lecture of me being selfish. And the day they left and crashed, I felt the universe’s message loud and clear.
“I-it hurts.” Heart aching, I gasp for a breath, my body jolting with another hiccupped cry. “Ian––” My fists ball so tight in his shirt that they cramp. Redirecting pain isn’t working this time.
“I know, baby.” His voice is strained, and I know he’s trying to keep himself together for me. “I’m here for you.”
“No one else has been.” While others were caring, no one has tried to help me heal the way he has.
“They all love you, Daisy Girl.” He clears his throat and sniffs, scratching my head as I continue to lose it. “They just didn’t know how to reach you.” I can’t speak, but I try to steady my breathing. Staring at a stack of binders on the shelf, I slowly shut the pain away. My heart aches, screaming to find the numbness I bathed in for years. It’s what my soul has found comfort in. Except I fall farther into Ian and cry because I can’t summon the same strength to harden my heart now that I’ve dropped it.
“Emery, your parents loved you,” Ian says, looking down at my tear-stained face.
“I felt like I was in their way most of the time.” Where there was once more anger in that statement, I end up sobbing. He picks me up and carries me to his comfy chair in the corner of his office and sits us down. I want to get up, but his arms tighten. Ian rubs my back and gently kisses on the top of my head. “I just wanted them to see my last dance performance.” I gasp for air and wipe my eyes with my sleeve, thankful I didn’t put on makeup today. “For them to say they were proud for once.” I feel my lips tremble as another disastrous sob threatens to surface.
“They were. You were worth them leaving work early. You know they didn’t have to.” He’s right, but acknowledging that guts me even more.
“I’ve been so terrible.” My heart races as lose control of my breathing again. With every shallow pant, my arms tingle, and my head feels light. “I- I didn’t even––” I hiccup. “Say goodbye at the funeral.” I shake my head and bury my face in his neck. “I couldn’t look at the caskets lowering.” It would prove it was real. My head pounds as I sob. “I left early.”
“It’s tough saying goodbye.” His voice is calm, but I hear him sniffle again. “You’re not terrible. You dealt with your emotions the way you were taught to.”
He’s right, but feeling this pain is too much. I want to block it out. Get lost in one of the two ways I know how to. I shift on his lap and pull back to look at him, pushing away any hesitation. My lips crash to his as my hand reaches to undo his pants. But I’ve barely touched him when his hand covers mine, and through blurred, teary vision, I watch his head shake.
“Please,” I beg, tasting the saltiness of my tears.
“Not like this,” he whispers against our lips. “You’ve come so far. I’m so proud of you.” Cupping my jaw, his thumbs wipe new falling tears. “Feel, Emery. Don’t block. I’m here for you.”
I pleasure away the hurt.My tainted body instantly disgusts me. I’m not proud of sleeping around. My parents wouldn’t be either. I’m aware I've used guys, but the reality sets in that they were using me too. The vulnerable girl who masked her feelings was easy for them to deal with. Ian wanted more than that. But that was all I could give him.
“I’ve been touched by so many.”I don’t want to meet his eyes, but I do.
“It doesn’t have to be that way anymore.” Ian swallows, his eyes glassing over.
“None of them felt right.” I feel the moment shift as I stare into his eyes. “They were all band-aids.” I lean in again, hoping he’ll take my mind off the pain.
“You can’t use me as the cure. You’re strong enough on your own.” He watches my puzzled expression. “I want you, and I’m here for you. But sex meansmoreto me, especially when it comes to you. It shouldn’t be used as an avoidance tactic. Which is what you’re trying to do right now.”
“Fuck.” My teeth are going to leave a bruise on my bottom lip, but I don’t care. “What am I supposed to do, then?” My voice trails off at the end as defeat takes over.
“Feel. Hurt. Get mad. Embrace and acknowledge everything, but don’t stay there.” He places a lingering kiss on my lips. “Cry until the heaviness lifts. Stay silent if you need to be with your thoughts, and I suggest you start therapy.”
I nod as I feel the weight of my soul drop its anchor to an unknown depth, hoping to weightlessly float to the top one day. Ian holds me as I silently filter through my life. I don’t know how long we have been sitting here, but the sun is setting. As I feel my breathing slow, he scoots down in this comfy chair, and I’m able to settle against him. His hand continues its soothing circles on my back and my heavy eyes close.
* * *
