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“It hurts,” I cry out. He growls and tightens his hold on me.
“I’m so sorry, Chanel, so fucking sorry.” I can hear the anguish and pain in his voice. Royal has never had to console before so I know this is hard for him, but I just can’t find it within myself to care or even to try and stop this meltdown, because it fucking hurts like a bitch. My chest feels like it’s on fire and it’s hard to breathe. No matter how much air I drag into my lungs, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.
I don’t know how long we sit here on the cold ground, I don’t even notice it’s raining until Royal carries me to the car and places me in my seat, before claiming his own and turning the heat up. We make the drive back home in silence. I feel his gaze on me every so often but I don’t have the energy to move or fight him anymore. We pull up in front of the house. I don’t protest when he comes around and lifts me into his arms bride style. The moment we step inside, I can hear everyone shouting at him and demanding to know what happened. I tune them out as I bury my face in his chest. Royal knows me better than anyone and right now he knows I need to be alone, so he ignores all their questions and carries me upstairs to my room. He places me on my bed where I curl up into a ball and cry. He scrubs a hand down his face in frustration, not knowing how to deal with me.
“I got it from here, sweetheart,” I hear my mom say from behind me. Royal looks from her to me debating if he should leave me or not. “Royal, this is the part where you leave me to hold my daughter through her first heartbreak. If she needs you, I promise I will call for you.” My mom’s words seem to break through to him. He places a kiss on the top of my head before he leaves.
“I’ll be right outside. I’ll sleep on the floor if I have to, but I’m not leaving her until I know she is okay. She may be your daughter, Aunt Carlina, but she is my best friend. I promised her I would always be here for her and this is me keeping that promise.” His words have a sense of calm washing over me, knowing even after everything I have done he still loves me.
“You are a fine young man. I’ll call you when she is ready,” Mom says before I hear the door click shut. A moment later I feel the bed dip, then my mom is snuggling up behind me, spooning me as she wraps her arms around me and places kisses to the back of my head. “Let it out, my girl. I’m right here, baby girl,” she whispers and then, without permission, a sob tears out of me and my tears flow faster.
“Mom, it hurts,” I cry.
“I know, baby.” I can hear the watery tone of her voice and know she wants to cry for me, but she doesn’t because she is a badass and remains strong for me so I can break.
CHANEL
I wake to the sound of voices arguing in what I’m sure they think are hushed tones. I can feel how puffy and swollen my eyes are from the tears I cried last night. At the sound of my dad’s voice, I feign sleep, he’s the last person I want to see right now. I am so embarrassed that I allowed everyone to see me in the state I was in last night. I’m not that girl who cries over a guy. I never allow emotions to get the better of me but last night… I couldn’t contain the hurt. I never broke down two years ago when Kacey broke my heart but last night, I was powerless to stop the pain from consuming me for a second time.
“She needs time, Vincent,” Mom growls.
“She’s my daughter, Gucci,” Dad says.
“You are part of the reason why she is in this state. I told you to stay out of it and leave the boy alone but you thought you knew better.”
“Carlina—”
“No, you listen to me, Vincent Murelo. You may be the Bloodhound out there but in here, I am the fucking Pitbull. Believe me, baby, I love you with my whole heart but if you so much as cause my baby to shed one more tear I will show you just what I am capable of. People may fear you but you and I both know, you are scared shitless of me and what I can do to you.” Pride swells inside me. My mom is a boss bitch and I am so fucking honored that she is my mother.
“Jesus, Carlina. Calm the hell down. She will get over it.” I cringe, of course he would think this is just a fling or a stupid little girl crush.
“No, she won’t. When have you ever seen her profess her feelings?” She doesn’t allow him to answer. “She ran to that boy and told him she loved him. She fucking allowed that boy past her walls and you had to go and throw your weight around because you still see her as the eight-year-old girl who thought her daddy hung the moon. She will always be your baby girl, Vincent, but if you keep her from what her heart desires, then you will lose her.”
“He isn’t good enough for her!” Dad roars. I can’t listen to this anymore. I sit up causing them both to clamp their mouths closed. I climb to my feet and ignore my dad calling my name as I head for my bathroom and slam the door closed behind myself. I avoid looking at my reflection in the mirror as I strip off and step into the shower. I stand under the hot spray, allowing it to wash away the salt from my tears and hope it can also wash away the pain that still lingers inside my chest.
I feel tears prick the backs of my eyes but I refuse to allow them to fall. I won’t cry over Kacey anymore. He made his choice and he chose wrong. I would have fought for us. I went against my family for him. I risked it all just for him to leave me again. I wish I could stand here and say I shot the man who murdered my heart, but the reality is that I could never harm Kacey no matter how much he has hurt me. When my fingers turn to prunes, I decide I can’t hide in here forever and step out. Steam covers the mirror which I am grateful for. I wrap my hair in a towel and pull on my robe before leaving the safety of my bathroom.
My mom sits on the edge of my bed while my dad sits in my chair that overlooks the backyard. I say nothing as I cross the room to my closet. Closing the door behind myself, I dress quickly in a pair of jeans and a baggy shirt that has holes in it and hangs off one shoulder. Making my way back to my bedroom, my mom motions for me to take a seat in front of her as she waves my hairbrush. Sighing, I resign myself to the fact that I have no choice but to allow my mother this and let her brush my hair.
Saying nothing as my mom brushes out my tangles and hums to herself, I close my eyes and relax into her touch as she begins to braid my hair. Even after she finishes my braid, she doesn’t move. She sits behind me as I sit on the ground. I know she wishes I was more like her and loved to do makeup and girly things but that just isn’t who I am. I have always wanted to follow in my father’s footsteps, but last night showed me I will never be able to do that because he doesn’t view me as an equal.
“Your cousins slept outside your door and I’m sure they are still there now,” Mom says softly. I look toward my door, I may not have Xray vision but I know without a doubt that they are still there. Shame washes over me as memories of last night run through my mind. I attacked Royal and I should never have done that. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks gently.
“No,” I croak out, my throat hoarse from all the tears.
“Chanel–”
I cut my dad off before he can say anything more. “Don’t.”
“Hear me out,” he pleads but I can’t.
“No, you got what you wanted. Kacey is gone and I’m back to being the virgin princess you think I am. Everyone wins, right?” I turn to face him and pray he can see resentment in my gaze as well as hear the bitterness in my tone. He flinches back and takes a shuddering breath. He looks to my mom for guidance but she just scoffs, letting him know he’s on his own with this one.
“I didn’t win shit. How could I when I see how shattered you are just from the look in your eyes?”
I push to my feet and shake my head at my father, never have I felt so estranged from him until this moment. “What did you expect?” I shout. “You wanted this, right?” I don’t give him a chance to answer. “You told him to stay away from me and that he wasn’t good enough for your princess. Well newsflash, Dad, you won because he believes you and kicked my ass to the curb.” He visibly flinches but I’m not done. “Just so we are clear, he was fucking good enough. If anything, he was better than me. Kacey loved me for me, not my name or because of who I am related to. He saw the real me, flaws and all and guess what? He still fucking loved me for all my downfalls. He never judged me, not once. You see a badge when you look at him, when I finally got over my hurt and anger toward him all I saw was my future.” His eyes widen. “I saw my person, I saw what I could become with him by my side.”
“Chanel–”
