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Her eyes lifted. “But it’s all bullshit, you know. Completely worthless. All the stressing and worrying and accessorizing… None of it matters. My physical looks have never fucking mattered. They’ve never caught the attention of people I’ve wanted them to, and the people whohaveliked them just chain me to their basement.” When her chin trembled, and tears filled her eyes, she gritted her teeth in frustration. “Dammit. Why can’t I just stop caring what other peoplethinkalready?”
When the tears actually fell, I murmured, “Hey, come here,” and pulled her into my arms where I held her against me. She rested her cheek on my heartbeat and sniffed miserably, and I stroked her hair. “It’s not other people that you’ve been worrying about, you know,” I finally told her. “It’s you.You’rethe only person you’ve ever needed to impress. Because once you’re finally satisfied with how you look, other people are only going to see that self-love and confidence you have in yourself, and that’s all you really need to attract anyone else. Anyone elseimportant, anyway. You get me?”
“God,” she moaned, burrowing against me. “I think you might be right.”
“I know I’m right,” I assured her with a smug smile. “I’m always right.”
That last sentence caused her to make a rude sound of disagreement, but when she looked up at me, I think it broke my heart. She looked so fucking sad. “How do I learn to like how I look, though?”
“I don’t know,” I muttered, shrugging. “Get better taste?” I guessed. “’Cause I think you look perfect just the way you are.”
With a small grateful smile, she gave me a half roll of her eyes. “Thanks,” she said softly. “I’ll work on my taste.”
“Good idea,” I told her, lightly kissing her hair. “Feeling any better yet?”
“Strangely…yeah,” she said, and this time when she glanced up at me, she did seem better. “Thank you. And…” With a wince, she added, “Sorry I bothered you with my stupid self-confidence issues. That wasn’t something you wanted to do, I’m sure.”
“Meh, go ahead and bother me,” I said, shrugging. “Helps make me feel handy. You have no idea how much it sucks feeling useless and just watching you suffer.”
“I think that’s what he damaged the most, though,” she muttered. “He made me see how fragile and weak I was all the way to my core. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.”
“Hey…” I waited until she lifted her gaze to me. And when she did, I swallowed uneasily. “You…you’re not feeling…suicidal, are you?”
She exhaled and didn’t immediately answer, which I didn’t like, but then she said, “No. I don’t wanna die. But I just don’t feel much like doing a lot of living at the moment either.”
“Give it some time,” I encouraged. “It’s only been a day.”
“Yet I’m already tired of this. I’m just so exhausted. And I can’t… I just can’t.”
“Then don’t,” I suggested with a careless shrug.
She glanced at me in surprise. “Don’twhat? I don’t even know what it is that I can’t do.”
“Don’ttry,” I said before leaning in to press my lips to her hair. “Don’t try to heal. Don’t try to care. Don’t try to sleep. Worrying and stressing about all the stuff you can’t do is wearing you the fuck out more than anything. So maybe you just need to be nothing for a while. Let it all fall apart.”
When Chloe blinked at me as if I were insane, I added, “Here. Close your eyes and concentrate on emptying your head. Can you hear my heartbeat from there?”
She was quiet for a moment, and then I felt her lashes move when she finally closed her eyes. A second later, she whispered, “Yes.”
“Good,” I murmured, cupping her hair in my hand. “Focus on that. Just that. Listen to the air going in and out of my lungs as I breathe. Try to time the next time I’m going to exhale. Because the only thing you gotta do right now is breathe. Nothing else matters.”
I fell quiet and concentrated on regulating my breathing with big, long, deep draws. Chloe set a hand on my abdomen, and I could tell she was focusing on my breathing as well when she started to inhale and exhale with me.
Not long after that, her hand on my stomach relaxed, and I could tell she’d fallen asleep.
Feeling eyes on me, I glanced up to find Pick leaning against the doorframe, watching us. He inclined his head to me respectfully and then walked away.
I wrapped a protective arm around Chloe’s shoulders and passed out not too long later, finally feeling calm and not riddled with bumped-up anxiety for the first time since I’d last seen her.
14LUKE
On Monday, thirty-one of us dressed in our finest digs and arrived at the county courthouse to watch Dax Freston appear before a judge.
Chloe didn’t show up, and her mother stayed home with her, but Pick was there along with all of Chloe’s siblings and their spouses, Lucy, Vaughn, and her family, plus more extended family and friends in our group.
I sat sandwiched between Trick and Chloe’s youngest cousin, seventeen-year-old Ayden, wishing I hadn’t. The two of them wouldn’t shut up, talking to each other.
“So what exactly is happening here today?” Ayden leaned heavily against my right arm as she asked in a hushed voice. Except she wasn’t talking to me.
