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Having fully awoken Cass’s interest, I could tell he was ready for something rougher than the lovemaking we had just completed to my satisfaction.
“Fuck me, Cass. From behind,” I murmured in his ear.
He growled. His favorite position. He did not require convincing. But he did require something sturdier than the chair we sat in. He carried me to my bedroom.
* * * *
After our lovemaking, I lay on my back in my bed next to Cass, my hand outstretched to his so that just our fingertips touched.
“I love you, Cass,” I whispered quietly. I’d selfishly held onto those words for far too long. I should have given them to him sooner.
He gripped my hand, intertwining his hand with my own.
“I know you do, Mandy. I love you, too,” he replied sweetly.
I couldn’t help but wonder why now, of all the times, he had decided to finally tell me that he loved me for the first time. I had seen the love in his eyes a hundred times before. I had felt the words on the tip of his tongue, but he had never spoken them out loud to me.
“Why didn’t you say it before?” I asked.
“Because I knew you weren’t ready to say it back,” he replied so quickly that his words felt like a pinprick to the happiness I’d felt at finally admitting our true feelings. I felt a lump rising in my throat.
“Why say it now, Cass?” I asked softly.
“Because I knew if I didn’t say it, if I didn’t tell you how much I love you, Mandy, I would regret it every day for the rest of my immortal life. I’d regret it even though I know it’s not going to change what you have to say next,” he said.
It felt like someone had sunk a dagger into my heart.
“I can’t be the person you want me to be,” I said, feeling small.
When Cass looked at me, he looked at me like I was everything he had ever dreamed of incarnate. But the picture he had of me in his head… I wasn’t that person anymore, if I ever was. I couldn’t fulfill his dreams when I was still trying to figure out what my own were.
“You are already everything I’ve ever wanted,” he responded simply.
The dagger in my heart turned viciously, digging deeper.
“I can’t go to the Golden Court, Cass,” I said, almost pleading for him to understand. “Not now. Probably not any time soon. I have things I have to do here at the High Court and the M. Things I can’t walk away from.”
He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me into his impossibly large, hard body. I felt so safe and comfortable in his embrace.
“I know,” he said, too understanding.
He gently grasped my chin between his thumb and forefinger, pushing my gaze to his. The thread of gold in his eyes blazed.
“I hope he makes you happy,” he said sincerely. “I would have gladly spent the rest of my life trying, but I know it’s not me you want.”
The dagger in my heart viciously jerked upward, severing my heart in two.
“Who, Cass?” I asked. “Nik? I told you, that’s not what the Choosing meant. It’s not like that.”
“It’s okay, Mandy,” he said firmly. “You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy.”
Tears welled in my eyes. I felt like someone was squeezing the air out of my lungs. I started to second-guess myself. If I was making the right decision, then why did it hurt so much?
“What are you going to do?” I asked.
He rolled away from me. The loss of the heat of his body felt like the loss of a limb. He started getting dressed.
“I’ll go north. They need me there,” he said.
