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He could glower and glare and give her what-for but she wasn’t leaving. He loved her. She knew he loved her. He was the only person brave enough to call her on her cowardice in how she handled Simon. He risked destroying their friendship by going against the grain and if that wasn’t love, what was? Jack might think he was acting for the best and everyone took their lead from her brother, the alpha of the pack, but not Tad. He marched to the beat of his own drum.
“You can’t be here, Jules. I don’t want you here.”
“Cara and Lili told me what happened that night.”
The look he shot her with was a mixture of disdain and heart-rending pain. “I…” He shook his head. “I can’t do this, Jules. In a couple of days, maybe. When I’m through it.”
“No, now. I’m here now, ready to be whatever you need.” She was ready to provide this man, who had pulled her through so many times, all the help he needed.
“I know it hurts like a bitch,” she said. “I know you miss them.”
He raised his bleary eyes to hers. “I do but that’s not even it anymore.” “What is it?”
“It’s so selfish. I can’t even…”
Her heart hurt so much for him. “What, love? Tell me.”
“I miss me. Who I used to be before. Sometimes I see snatches of that guy when I’m joking around with Lili or out for a drink with Shane, but mostly he comes out around you. With you”—he threaded his fingers through her hair again and pulled her close—“I feel whole and good. You’re so beautiful, Jules. So perfect. I could fall into you, get lost in you, use you to make me feel right again for a short while. Take and take and take.”
Her throat thickened with tears. “Then do it. Whatever you need, take it. I’m here.”
He looked at her with eyes the color of regret and for a moment she thought he was going to shut down. Just close her out completely. But he inclined his head until their foreheads touched, apparently needing that skin-to-skin connection to help form the words.
“He thought I did it on purpose. Getting into that fight after the argument we had. Rebelling against him because he wanted me to be a success, to vindicate all the sacrifices he made for us.”
She rubbed his back, encouraging him to let it out.
“I expected my mother to come pick me up but no one came after an hour. Then two. By that time, I’d fallen asleep with my head on the shoulder of some bum and when I woke up, they led me into the interview room. Up all these stairs, through countless doors. I thought they were going to throw the book at me because that big mouth and his South side Irish cop father had already threatened to make my life hell. But I got inside and Tony was there sitting at the table. His face—I’ll never forget his face, Jules. You hear that word “ashen” but I never knew what it meant until I saw Tony that day. Then he told me they were dead.”
He heaved a deep breath, but it broke up about halfway through. The effort was too much for him and for a moment, she worried it might be too much for her. But it wouldn’t be. This man needed her and she had to be strong for him.
“Tad, you know it was an accident. You’re smart enough to know this isn’t your fault.”
He buried his head in his hands. Painful, soul-destroying seconds ticked by.
“My heart says different. It knows what I did and I see it when Tony looks at me. I was responsible for his brother’s death. I couldn’t face him after that. I couldn’t face any of them for a long time. At the funeral, Tony and I had a fight. He said I was a disappointment. He said—”
“He was grieving.” She didn’t have to hear what else he said. She knew Tony well enough to imagine.
“When I came back, Frankie made him give me a job at DeLuca’s, tending bar. I didn’t want a job where I had to think.”
“Why didn’t you work somewhere else?”
“I said I didn’t want to think but really I didn’t want to forget. I needed the pain to remind me every day that I was the screw-up my father thought I was, that Tony thought I was. Working at DeLuca’s, seeing Tony who looks like my father, even hearing the clank in the kitchen, I needed all that to keep me sane. The pain has kept me sane.
“Every year, it would build to a point where if I didn’t take off on some sort of bender I would explode. I’d go somewhere no one knew me and hole up for a few days like some animal going through a transformation. Sometimes, I banged some chick until I couldn’t feel a thing. I wasn’t fit for company and those few days allowed me to get sane again until the next year. But this year, I have the bar and I had to stay home. Here.”
Her soul shattered in the face of all this pain. “Tad, you can’t go on like this.”
“Are you going to tell me to get therapy, Jules? To talk it out with someone?” He huffed out a weary breath. “I did when I came back to Chicago. And I know I should feel differently, but that doesn’t mean I can. What it does mean is that I can’t be what you need.”
“You’re already whatIneed.”
He shook his head, his shoulders sagged, his hand fell away from her hair.
“I’m not the kind of guy who can be there for you. I can barely hold my own life together. You and Evan need someone stable and strong like Jack and Shane and Tony. A provider, a protector.” He palmed his forehead. “I’m just a fucking ghost.”
“All Evan needs are the people around him to love him unconditionally. I don’t need a man to provide for us—yes, I’ve always behaved as if a man could solve my problems but I realize now that I can solve my problems. I can take care of my son. What we need from you is all you’ve ever given us. Your heart, your love, just you.”
