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“I’m okay,” Emil breathed out after a moment.
“I know. But I made you feel bad, and that wasn’t what I meant to do. I’m not used to people like you, sweetheart. At all. I know my edges are sharp, and I made them that way on purpose. After John,” he said with a shrug, “I didn’t know how else to protect myself.”
Emil bit down on his lip, then let it go. It was shiny with his spit, and Renzo couldn’t help himself. He dragged his thumb over it, watching as color bloomed in Emil’s cheeks.
“But I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll do better.”
“I don’t know if?—”
“If you’re about to say you don’t know if you deserve that, I’m going to stop you right there,” Renzo interrupted.
The way Emil’s eyes cut to the side told Renzo that yeah. He’d been about to go on another self-deprecating spiral.
“I’m in therapy to try and help with that,” Emil told him as Renzo finally dropped his hands, though he stayed in close. “It’s kind of a…not-healthy thing? She said it was partially attention seeking—like saying that shit is a way for people to feel sorry for me so they try to comfort me. Something I guess I learned from my mom.” His gaze moved to the window for a split second, and then he leaned back against the cushions and stared up at the ceiling. “It feels like I’m never going to get better sometimes. Like there will be these parts of me that are all…toxic.”
Renzo breathed out a long, slow breath, then mirrored Emil’s position. They both kicked their feet up on the coffee table, and after a beat, Renzo found Emil’s fingers and linked them with his own. “I get that. Kind of like how I am sometimes. I mean, I know it’s not the same. What you went through?—”
“No,” Emil said swiftly. “We don’t need to compare and figure out who had it worse. It was different, and I think you do get it.” He rubbed his thumb over Renzo’s wrist. “You’re right to want to take things slow. I’m so fucking lonely, but I’m so afraid of the ways I might start behaving if I get insecure or whatever.”
Renzo wanted to tell him that it was okay. That he could deal with it and be patient with him, but the truth was, he couldn’t back that up. It had been a long, long while since he’d been so open with anyone, and he was still afraid.
“What do we do?” Renzo finally asked.
Emil shrugged, then lifted their hands and kissed Renzo’s knuckles softly and sweetly. “This is pretty nice.”
Renzo laughed very softly and dropped his temple against Emil’s shoulder. “Yeah. It is.”
“And I like getting off with you.”
Renzo flushed hotly and nodded, turning his face slightly into Emil’s T-shirt as Emil dropped their hands. “Mhm. That’s very nice.”
Emil chuckled and scratched his fingers over Renzo’s relaxed, open palm. “That’s kind of an understatement, but yeah. Maybe we can…do those things and try to keep feelings out of it for a while?”
Renzo wanted to say yes, but he had no idea how that was possible. The more he knew Emil, the more he was falling for him. “I don’t trust myself with that, sweetness.”
Emil hummed in thought, then shifted slightly to the side so they were better facing each other. “So what if we go ahead and let feelings happen with the sex. Because I really like the sex…”
“Yes,” Renzo whispered.
Emil lifted his free hand up and traced a line between Renzo’s brows, down his nose, then over the swoop of his cupid’s bow. “And we leave out labels and expectations until we feel ready.”
For what, he wanted to ask. To be together? To move on? What if, at the end, he felt one way and Emil felt another?
But he supposed all relationships were that sort of risk, and maybe this strange, unconventional thing was exactly what he needed.
“Tell me what you’re thinking?”
“I think I like you,” Renzo said. “I think I’d be willing to try anything because you’ve made me feel things I didn’t know I could.”
“Like…in bed.”
Renzo covered his face and groaned against his palm. “Not what I meant, but yes. That too.”
Emil leaned in and nipped at his jaw. “I want to be a better man for the people in my life who matter, and you’re becoming one of those people. I want to be worthy of a man like you, and I know I need time.”
And Renzo needed space to finish healing. To learn to trust again and not panic—not assume that everything would lead down the same path John had taken him. And if he was allowed to do that while also keeping Emil close and getting to touch him and fuck him the way he craved?
It almost felt too good to be true.
