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“Uh, have a good night.” The sound of my own erratic drum of a heartbeat is so loud that when I can hear Theo tell me to wait, I’m surprised. I turn around, standing in the open doorway. I force myself to look at him—really look at him since I kissed him.
His mouth is a little slack, his eyes are searing into mine, like he wants to understand everything about me. Or at least my actions of the last thirty seconds or so.
“You okay?” Theo’s voice is lower than I’ve ever heard. He’s reached the first door, and I’m at the second, exterior one.
I give one quick shake of my head. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
Not waiting for a response, I hurry outside and next door to Shorty’s, fumbling with the keys in the cold air until I take a breath and slow down enough that I can get inside. I let out a frustrated grunt once I’m in and then another one when the door’s closed and I’m heading up the stairs to my new place.
I kissed Theo Carter.
I’m emotional since my ex got engaged so quickly. That’s why I kissed him.
I kissed Theo Carter?
It was merely my misguided search for a momentary pleasure to ease the heaviness of life.
Right?
No. That’s not it. I know this.
With the thickness of desire and confusion still coursing through me, I make myself some chamomile and vanilla tea, willing it to calm me down.
Hugging an attractive, fun guy like Theo would have me feeling things I shouldn’t feel. And the kiss? It was a simple, parting gesture, like a quiet handshake. In some European countries, with all their abrazos and whatnot, it would have meant nothing at all.
It didn’t mean anything at all.
I don’t think.
I drop my head back in a sigh. Why doesn’t my brain listen to me when I tell it to stop thinking about Theo?
I sip my tea in my dimly lit kitchen, play stupid games on my phone, and audibly tell myself “no” every time I remember the way Theo’s eyes lit up when he made a good move in the game, how his torso looked without his shirt on in the bakeshop bathroom, and the warmth of his lips on mine.
And I absolutely do not wonder if he’s still in his office when I quietly go to bed. I even turn on my white noise app to make sure I don’t hear anything, just in case.
With the clarity that only a cold November morning can bring, I’m awake before dawn, working on graphic designs for the festival. The work is challenging and enjoyable, and my head’s still foggy from last night, so I’m not being held hostage by my own thoughts and regrets like I was before.
It was only a quick kiss to say goodbye.
And now it’s time to hustle. I want a new job in brand management, and I’ve been perusing the online job boards like a gaggle of teen girls stalking some cute boys at the mall. Feeling a little nerdy, a little imposter syndrome-ish, and a lot like I have an unrequited crush, my finger has hovered over the “apply now” button. Except, I can’t take the plunge. Yet.
And Iwillmake this year’s Charles Dickens Christmas Festival a smashing success.
Theo and I will save the festival if it kills us!
I make my six cheesecakes, and the familiarity of the task calms me. The measuring, the mixing, the crushing, the baking. All is right in the world when I can make cheesecake.
Danene leaves, the smell of fresh bread in her wake. Merre is on her break, and Elijah’s on a delivery run. I corner Camilla in the kitchen, up to her eyeballs with shortbread.
“I have something to tell you because I can’t not tell you and have it fester and stew between us.” I screw my eyes shut, bracing myself.
She raises one eyebrow. “Oh? What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing.” I laugh. “But we’re always honest with each other, right?”
“Yes, we are.” Camilla says. She sets her baking sheet on the stainless-steel countertop. She’s an open person, and I owe her the same, even if it’s regarding her brother-in-law.
“I did something last night, sort of . . .” I trail off, massaging the back of my neck. “And I’m only telling you this not because it’s a big deal or because it’s something that will continue, but because we’re honest with each other and it’s bugging me, and I have to get it off my chest.”
