AllFreeNovel
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Getting to the final helped with my ranking, but even so, winning the smaller tournaments isn’t what I’m aiming for. They pay good money and getting to the finals of the smaller championships shows that I have the ability to be good at the game.
The tournament here in Monterrey is more important to me in so many ways.
First, it’s my home championship.
Secondly, Xavier’s going to be here.
Alone.
No girlfriend, no sisters, and no distractions.
He’s staying in my Airbnb; Sofia is in a hotel.
The last time we were alone was in Australia in January. Practically a whole month has passed. We might be different considering that Xavier has spent the month either with his girlfriend, texting me, or busy with pre-season testing.
My heart fills with a mixture of anticipation and anxiety.
I can’t deny the feelings that have grown, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend.
I’ve tried to be respectful of their relationship, never wanting to cross any boundaries or become a source of pain. I’m already the pain in my own life. I don’t want to become that for others around me.
Especially Xavier.
He’s been through enough.
I walk home and keep thinking and thinking.
That’s why I’ve made a conscious effort to only be around him when someone else is present. But somehow, no matter how hard I try, the universe conspires against me. We always end up alone, and in those moments, my emotions spiral out of control.
I love being around him, I won’t lie about that.
But most times, my mind takes a hold of my feelings for him.
It’s this frustrating back and forth. The part of my brain that knows I can’t take another one of these situations again is telling me to keep my emotions to myself. But then the healthy side is instructing me to communicate, or I’ll go crazy.
I don’t know what I’m going to do just yet.
Being around him is both a joy and a torment.
The way he smiles, the way he listens, the way he effortlessly captures my attention—it’s intoxicating. Each interaction only deepens my affection for him, despite knowing that he belongs to Marrisa.
It’s a battle of the heart and mind, and I’m caught in the middle.
On top of all of that, I don’t play in the tournament for another two days.
What will happen when we’re together again without any distractions?
Will I be able to control these feelings, or will they consume me entirely?
The thought of crossing a line terrifies me, but at the same time, I have to remind myself of my values. My moral compass is taking a brutal beating because he’s with someone else and I want to be with him.
Ale’s words sound through my head.
I know I don’t love myself enough to be with him, but how can I love myself if I don’t choose to tell him my own feelings?
I’ve done that before and look where that got me.
I’m way too confused and want to cry in frustration.
