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She finished arranging the latest shipment of items that she’d gotten on one of the shelves that Ryan had put up the day before.
He had been working in the showroom all day, and she had managed to find things to do in the residence. There was plenty to do.
She was thankful that the girls had school to go to, although they would be out soon, and the summer tourist season would be upon them.
That thought alone made Dakota’s hands tremble. What if her store wasn’t a success? What if it failed? She already had so many bills facing her, and she didn’t want to pay them, because she didn’t want to see the balance in her bank account go down. Somehow having that money in there gave her a feeling of safety that she knew it shouldn’t. Her security should be in her trust in God, but the temptation to trust in money in the bank was strong.
The apartment felt claustrophobic, and she had trouble drawing breath. Her anxiety had been getting worse.
Lord, I want to trust You, but I do need money. It’s not an unreasonable fear, since I have two girls depending on me. Please help me to stay calm and to trust that You have a plan for me. Help me to see it.
Her prayer made her anxiety a little less sharp, but she still needed to get out. Taking another deep breath, she looked around the room to make sure there wasn’t anything she forgot to turn off and then opened the door, going down the steps and stepping out the back.
Being outside made her feel a little better, but she didn’t stop until she had walked past the buildings in town and over to the rail of the pasture that was just two hundred or so yards from her back door.
Horses always eased her anxiety, and being outside usually helped as well. There was just something about nature and admiring it that made her mind slow down and realize that this small moment in time was not the panic-inducing monster that it felt.
“There you are,” a voice said, and Dakota startled, laughing nervously as she realized she sounded like she was out of breath when she said, “Hey.”
“Were you jogging?” Lana said, coming over and leaning against the fence.
“No,” she said, still sounding out of breath.
“I just wanted to see if everything was okay and that you were settling in. Business has been picking up at the bed-and-breakfast as the days get warmer, but I didn’t want to neglect to check on you. Your grandmother and I were good friends.”
“She talked very fondly about you. She treasured your friendship and was sad that she drifted away when she moved.”
“I missed her. I was glad that no one moved into her spot. It wouldn’t seem like the same store without your gram there. It feels very much like a part of her is here again with you.”
“That’s a huge compliment. Thanks.” She tried to focus on their conversation, rather than the fear that had taken hold of her. What was she going to do? Everything was on her shoulders. It was all her. She had no safety net and nowhere to turn if this didn’t work out. Her girls depended on her, and she didn’t want to let them down. She didn’t want them to remember their childhood with their mother as a failure, someone who couldn’t even take care of them. How was she going to feed them?
Her thoughts raced.
“I can’t imagine moving from a place I’d known all of my life into a new spot, trying to get started on my own, and not just on my own, but with two little girls depending on me. That must be...a huge leap of faith.”
She didn’t feel like she had faith. She felt like all she had was fear.
Talk to her. She has wisdom she can share.
Dakota resisted. To show fear was to show weakness. She didn’t want to show weakness. She wanted to show strength. After all, that was how she was raised. If she fell off her horse, she got right back on. She didn’t even admit that it hurt, or that she was afraid, or any kind of negative emotion. She had to be strong, she had to push herself.
She would never have won anything if she had given in to her fear.
Why was she giving in to it now?
And why was she afraid to talk about it?
She wasn’t big on letting everyone in the world know all of the things she struggled with, but... Lana was so motherly and kind. And she went out of her way to walk across the open lot and meet Dakota beside the fence.
Surely that showed she cared.
Like she sensed Dakota’s struggle, Lana just leaned against the fence, looking at the horses and quietly waiting.
“I’m scared,” Dakota finally said, her voice hoarse and laced with fear. She felt like she was going to die. Was this what a panic attack felt like? Hammering heart, breath that wouldn’t come, and a sense of doom, like something terrible was going to happen only she wasn’t in any danger at all. At least no immediate danger.
“I don’t think you’d be human if you weren’t afraid,” Lana said casually.
Dakota held onto the sound of her voice like a lifeline. It was calming, sweet, and comforting. “Sometimes I can work through my fear, but right now, I feel like it’s got a hold of me, what happens if I can’t make this work? I have nothing to fall back on.”
