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Chapter 14
Dakota didn’t knowwhat Ryan was going to say, but she didn’t want to hear it. Whatever it was in his eyes, whatever he was saying with his fingers on her back, the tone of his voice, she couldn’t take it. She had too many other things she had to deal with, she couldn’t go through this with Ryan again.
“You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
“I don’t have to know. I don’t want to go there.”
“Go where?” And he sounded truly baffled, like he didn’t know what she was talking about, or more likely, he didn’t know how she knew what he was talking about.
“Anywhere. Whatever you’re thinking, I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I can’t.”
“What do you mean you can’t?” he asked, lifting his head a little off the sand like changing angles would allow him to look at her and see her better.
“I mean, I’ve already gone down this road once with you, and it hurt.”
“I promise. This time won’t hurt.”
“You can’t promise that.”
“It will be different than last time.”
“How?” she asked, wishing that she didn’t even bother. He could make promises all he wanted to, but she had a man stand beside her in front of a preacher and make promises, and he hadn’t bothered to keep them.
That man wasn’t Ryan. He never made her any promises that he hadn’t kept. The night that they’d spent together there hadn’t been any promises exchanged.
“Aren’t we a little older? A little wiser?”
“I think I’m just as dumb as I ever was,” she said, knowing she should push herself away and get up, and yet she didn’t.
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see that her girls had been distracted by something along the shore of the lake, and they were both squatted down and looking at it. At least they were okay. She half wished they’d run and interrupt them, because she didn’t want to move.
“You’re not. You’ve learned a lot in the years that we’ve been apart, and you were always smarter and wiser than me anyway.”
“No. If I were wiser, I’d be up by now. Why aren’t I?” she asked, emphasizing the words but not looking at him, because she was asking herself.
“Maybe because you feel it too.”
“I feel nothing.” Such a lie. She didn’t even try to make it sound true.
“Saying it doesn’t make it true.”
“I know. I want it to be true.”
“But it’s not.”
She didn’t answer, even though it was more of a statement than a question. To her dismay, she felt her eyes pricking, and she pulled her lips in between her teeth. She would not lie here and cry.
“No. Don’t,” he said, and one of his hands came off her back, pushing her hair back from her face and gently cupping her cheek with his big hand. “I don’t want to watch you cry. Not ever again.”
“You’ve never seen me cry,” she said, and just those words made her suck the tears back. She would not let him see her cry. Would not.
He was quiet for a minute, then he said, “When we were kids, it didn’t matter how badly you got hurt, you didn’t cry. But...” He swallowed. “The night we were together, you did. You told me it was a good cry.”
She shook her head. “I don’t remember.”
“Don’t, or don’t want to?” he asked, and he lifted his brows, tilting his head and trying to meet her eyes.
