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“Do we hate her?” Father asked casually. “I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”
I barked out a harsh laugh—the first since Levana had gone.
“No, we don’t hate her. I wish I could. It would make it easier.”
He hummed. “Perhaps it would makethispart easier, but I think you’ll be glad in the long run that the memory of your time together isn’t poisoned by animosity. One day, you’ll be old and gnarled like I am, grateful to be able to look back on your life with an appreciation for the good times and the good souls you encountered along the way.”
Maybe that was true, but I wasn’t ready to hear those words yet. The idea of Levana becoming nothing more than a happy memory wasn’t comforting when the wound of her absence was still bleeding.
“Come on, you can help me make this sauce. Let’s see what bad habits you’ve picked up in that swanky kitchen,” Father grumbled good-naturedly, giving me an easy way out of my own head.
“See if you can keep up with me, old fella.”
Chapter 14
Ifussedwithmyshadows, looking at my reflection in the mirror. Usually, I didn’t bother with anything beyond a very basic covering, but I was bored out of my mind.
Yestin mostly napped and ate, though I’d been explicitly commanded to stay with him regardless.
Sirena was busy with nursery preparations and seemed to find my presence at home so frustrating that she didn’t even want to be in the same room as me.
Even Father was avoiding me now. Or he had been today, at least. I could hear his booming voice from the dining hall as I gave up on fussing with my shadows and headed downstairs for dinner.
“An absolute farce,” he was telling Sirena heatedly. “A royaltour, can you imagine such a thing? It’s been centuries since a monarch did that. If anyone wants to see them, they know where the palace is. I don’t see why they have to traipse around the realm. It diminishes any sense of mystery.”
“A royal tour?” I rasped, taking my seat.
“Yes, they were here today, that queen of yours and King Allerick.”
“They werehere?”
“Well, not at the estate, clearly.” I should stop asking questions, he was getting agitated. “They were at Holbeck, meeting with their subjects. I went, of course. Represented the family.”
And you didn’t tell me?
“She asked after you, you know. The queen. Even suggested coming here for a visit. I told her that you couldn’t possibly accommodate that—unlike your role at court, your position here isn’t something you can pick up and drop off whenever you like, it isn’t based onfriendship—”
It was as though something in my mind took over. Perhaps it was my guard training, or perhaps it was just the quiet inner strength I’d developed over the course of the past seven years without realizing it, butsomethingin my head clicked into place.
Sirena flashed me a look of approval as I silently stood before returning her attention to her meal.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Father said harshly, his own chair scraping back loudly as he rushed to stand.
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. Ophelia had said I was welcome to my old job whenever I wanted it, but she wasn’t even there right now, and perhaps she’d found a replacement she really liked. The family apartment in the palace certainly wasn’t going to be available to me anymore.
Of course, there was an angry cook I wanted to see more than anything, but was that selfish? Hadn’t I messed with his feelings enough?
“But I’m leaving.”
“To gowhere?”
That was the question, wasn’t it?
I didn’t answer. I just left. I walked away as though I was in a trance, and then I kept walking, right out the front door into the sticky heat, shaded by the enormous fronds of the trees that were planted along the walkway that led up to the front of the house.
Could I have argued with him? Tried to make him see things my way? Perhaps.
Would it have been worth it?
