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Prologue
The Sandman was never under my bed.
Because the darkness was inside my head.
I don’t fear the Sandman, because darkness is all I see.
All this time, the Sandman has been inside of me.
Sandman... age 8
“Stop, please!” Jessie screamed as we both held tight to each other.
It was like any other normal night until it wasn’t.
We had just gotten done with dinner and Cassie said we could watch some TV before bed. Jessie and I hurried through our showers, brushed our teeth and raced to get to the remote. I always won, but this time I let Jessie win.
She was a little smaller than me and I liked it when she smiled.
We were watching cartoons when Toxic showed up.
Cassie tried to make him happy, but he was in one of his moods. When he started hitting her, I reached for Jessie’s hand. We both knew not to move. He hated it when we did that.
He liked us to watch.
He liked us to watch everything.
I don’t remember how I came to live with Cassie and Jessie.
This place was all I remember. We didn’t have much, but Cassie was nice to me, and she hugged me sometimes. She gave really good hugs. Jessie said I was her brother. I don’t think she’s right, so I don’t say anything.
I liked Jessie. She was fun and we laughed a lot.
But not when he was around.
When Toxic was here, we cried.
I hate crying.
I didn’t like how it makes me feel.
Like now, I can feel the tears pooling in my eyes as I watched Toxic hit Cassie over and over. He was a lot bigger and stronger than her. She fought back, but he won.
He always did.
He was laughing now, and I closed my eyes.
“Close your eyes, Jessie,” I barely said as I heard Toxic remove his belt. I sneaked a peek to make sure Jessie’s eyes were closed before shutting mine again. She knew not to open them again until I told her to. It was bad enough that she must listen to what Toxic was doing to her mom. I didn’t want her to see it.
I didn’t know how long we sat there, in each other’s arms, with our eyes closed. I stopped counting when I lost count at seventy-three and started to sing the alphabet song in my head. I sang that song five times before the sounds of him grunting, as skin slapped skin, stopped.
When I heard Toxic roar loudly, I knew he was done.
Jessie was shaking. I could hear her silently crying.
Slowly opening my eyes, I watched as he got up off the floor, his pants around his ankles as he reached into his cut for a cigarette. He stood over Cassie and smiled as he lit the cigarette and breathed it in deeply. An evil smile appeared on his face as he looked down at Cassie, who was quietly moaning on the floor.
He hurt her badly this time. Blood was everywhere.
