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Seeing Pala now standing casually alongside me, as if he’d never been gone, was both startling and heartbreaking that this was our reunion. All I wanted to do was reach for him, but once again, my inability to control my dominance had fucked everything up. I had fucked everything up.
“I’m waiting,” Leif said to me. I dragged my attention away from Pala and back to him. Leif’s face was impassive, and he had no problem staring the three of us down.
I hung my head. All the fury pumping through my veins had left me as soon as Lexie dropped me to the ground. I couldn’t believe the things I had just said to her.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, Leif,” I said, “and I know it’s not true.”
Claudio shifted in front of me slightly, the way he always unconsciously did whenever he sensed I was feeling vulnerable or lost. Pala shifted slightly as well, moving behind my shoulder, the spot he’d always taken when we were teenagers, covering my back. I didn’t need either of them to do it. I deserved whatever was coming for me now. Yet I didn’t have the heart to make them move away. I’d missed the feeling of the three of us together more than I could put into words.
“Remember what I said yesterday about coming to me when Sam’s riding the edge, Leif?” Dio said calmly, but with a tense set to his shoulders. Dio may be frustrated with me right now, but I knew he’d still protect me with his last breath. I’d do the same for him.
“I’m not the one you need to tell that to, but I’ll take it for now,” Leif said to me, ignoring Dio for the moment. He gave me a once-over and sighed. “Just so you know, she cares about you or she would have just walked away with a laugh and not given you another thought. You caused her actual pain just now.”
I closed my eyes at his words, feeling my heart clench. They destroyed me. I was utterly disgusted with myself. This couldn’t go on, not if Lexie would be the one getting hurt.
When I opened them, Leif was staring up at the sky through the sprawling branches of the big old fig tree we were standing under. There was enough light filtering through to illuminate us, but the shadows also seemed to fit the mood of this conversation. It appeared as if Leif was looking for some kind of celestial guidance, as he continued to stare up, or maybe something to come and zap him out of this tense situation.
“This is your one free pass, considering my sister already kicked your ass,” Leif said roughly as he looked back at me. His face softened as he took in Dio, still standing slightly in front of me.
I relaxed my stance slightly. I’d been holding myself ready to brace, not knowing how this would go but expecting violence. Defending myself hadn’t even been a thought. I deserved any swing he took.
“I’ll give you one piece of insight, because I want her to be happy, but after this, you’re on your own,” Leif said, surprising me. I wasn’t expecting advice.
The last of Leif’s anger seemed to bleed away as he relaxed back into himself. I got the impression he wasn’t a naturally aggressive guy. The tiny plaits woven into his hair had given him a vengeful Norse god vibe earlier, but now he just looked like a big, cinnamon roll kind of guy who’d been letting his girlfriend play with his hair.
Not that there was anything wrong with that. If we ever reached the point where Lexie wanted to play with my hair, I’d sit and let her, with my eyes closed and a smile splitting my face in half, for as long as she wanted.
I looked at him directly and said, “That’s more than I deserve.”
“Lex will kill me if she finds out I told you this, but our father used to tell her all the time that she killed our mother, and that she was a problem he didn’t want to deal with. He started saying it before she even understood what the words meant. So she’s grown up hearing it all her life.”
I could hear shocked breaths from Dio and Pala, but my breath had frozen in my lungs. Leif’s body had hunched in slightly, as if this story was painful for him. He’d paused for a few heartbeats to let his words sink in, but he continued on, now, his voice getting softer as he looked past us. As if he was looking into his memories.
“My father blamed his baby daughter for his wife dying giving birth to her. It was messed up and only grew worse as Lexie got older. I had to endure his unhinged aspirations for me as his heir, but Lexie had to suffer through his intentional neglect that turned to verbal abuse when he was drunk.
“He forbade any other family member from meeting her, claiming she didn’t deserve love. So Lexie grew up completely isolated from anyone who could care for her, apart from me. He tried to make me hate her, too, but I couldn’t. My grandma had arranged for a wet nurse for Lexie through the hospital for the first year, but she only came to feed her and wash her. Nobody was holding her or comforting her.
“I was grieving for my mother, but Lexie’s tiny cries all alone in the nursery devastated me. She was my sister, and she was alone and helpless. I climbed into her crib, figured out how to care for her and I never stopped.”
Leif ran his hands roughly through his hair before crossing his arms in front of him, both gestures that showed he needed comfort right now. He looked back at me as if he was coming back to the present and remembering what Lexie was facing now.
“What you just threw at her in your anger were words that our father threw at her all her life, the person who was supposed to raise and protect her. She goes to great lengths to do everything herself and almost never asks for help, even from me, because she can’t stand to be thought of as a problem to anybody.”
I felt intense sorrow listening to Leif’s tale. How the hell had Lexie grown up to become the caring, feisty, competent woman she appeared to be? My instincts as her mate pummeled me, demanding I find her father and exact retribution. If he was here right now, I would rip his throat out for uttering those words to her.Yet was I any better?
I leaned forward, bracing myself on my knees, feeling like I was going to vomit. A fine tremor worked through my body as a cold sweat broke out down my spine. Just the thought that I could be compared to someone who had done that to her brought a feeling of intense shame so deep, it swamped everything else. Even my rage.
Dio moved to stroke my back lightly. I had to force myself not to shrug him off, knowing I didn’t deserve the comfort, but he didn’t deserve that kind of reaction either.
“Fucking hell, I didn’t mean to hurt her,” I groaned. “I thought… I don’t even know what I thought. I’ve never been so relieved, angry and scared all at the same time as when she came flying through those gates. My simmering rage spiked, and I was flinging crap that was completely meaningless before I could even think about what I was saying. Only it clearly wasn’t meaningless to her. I’m a complete asshole.”
“No, you’re not,” Leif said, which surprised the hell out of me, making my head snap up. “You’re a good guy. Anyone can see that. But you’re hot headed and you lash out when you’re angry or scared. Lexie’s patient and kind. She gets that people have issues, but she won’t put up with your crap forever if you don’t do the work to overcome it. If you don’t do what she asks and figure your shit out, you’re going to lose her, and maybe your friends, too.”
Jesus. Was I destined to hurt everyone I cared about?I heard myself groan again, as I crouched down on my heels, my head in my hands. I tried to steady my breathing, but my breaths were coming out in great big panicky gasps.
“Is that why she moved out on her own at sixteen, because of your father?” Dio asked, changing the subject back to Lexie while he crouched down next to me and pulled me into a tight hug. His arms wrapping around me felt like home but also reminded me of everything I could destroy with my rage if I couldn’t get my shit together.
“She told you about that?” Leif asked Dio, as he scratched his head. Clearly Lexie didn’t open up to many people, or let many people in, if her mate knowing details about how she grew up surprised her brother.
