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“A little. She said she wanted to enjoy what was happening between us and not drag it down with a lot of shit she’d left far behind, but that she’d tell me more one day.”
“Huh. Consider yourself lucky you got that much. She’s already opened up more to you than she has to anyone in a long time, even Maia.”
“Hang on a second,” Pala interjected. Leif looked momentarily startled, like he’d forgotten Pala was there. A skill he’d honed over the years. A breath later, he narrowed his eyes on Pala as if he was just remembering Pala had kissed Lexie in front of him earlier.
“She moved out on her own at sixteen? Where were you?” Pala asked Leif. I don’t think he was trying to be accusing. His posture was open and casual. He sounded like he genuinely wanted to know.
A look of raw pain and sorrow flashed across Leif’s face, like a wound that had never properly healed had just splintered open.
“My father had a lot of connections, and he forcefully drafted me into the military. He wanted them to break me, when he realized he couldn’t. I only agreed to go on the condition that he let her move out while I was gone. There was no way I was leaving her alone in that house with him.”
Leif sighed deeply, and his shoulders slumped even further. “My asshole father willingly wiped his hands of her on the condition that he wouldn’t support her financially and was dead to him once she was gone. He still threatened to have the police drag her home as a runaway if I didn’t toe the line while I was away, though. Lexie was alone a lot after I left, but she was already used to it. She’s tough and resourceful. She had to be, but she needs people more than she knows.”
“Does she know why you went?” Pala asked.
“I never told her, but I’d bet the farm she suspected. She hated it whenever I suffered trying to keep her safe. It fed into her whole feeling like a problem thing. I couldn’t walk away and let her suffer, though, and I didn’t see any other way out of the situation. Yet, sometimes I wonder if I’m part of the problem, too.”
“No, Leif,” Dio said as he dropped his arms from around me, leaped up, and moved over to the gentle giant. He grabbed Leif’s shoulder and squeezed tightly. “She loves you. She fights to protect you as much as you do her. Never doubt that. She’d kick your ass if you did.” Dio was very hands on with everyone in his trusted inner circle, and it looked like Leif was now in it too. I was glad for Dio, that he was becoming tight with Lexie’s brother. He’d been alone with just me for too long. He wasn’t built that way. Dio craved connection, and family.
Leif chuckled, lightening the moment. “She has no problem kicking my ass on the regular.” He looked almost proud.
Leif sobered again suddenly as he reached up and squeezed Dio’s hand. “I won’t say any more. It’s her story to tell and I’ve already said too much. But you’ve been good for her already, Dio. She’s built a good life for herself, but I’ve never seen her as happy as she is when she looks at you. Whatever it is you’re doing, keep doing it.”
“Oh, you don’t want to know what it is I’ve been doing,” Dio said as he grinned and waggled his eyebrows lasciviously like a character out of an old black and white movie.
“I really, really don’t,” Leif said with a smile as he playfully shoved Dio and almost sent him sprawling. Pala smiled at their antics, too. Dio had always had that effect on people.
“Are you going to be okay?” Leif asked, as he dropped to squat in front of me suddenly. I could see concern etched into his face.
“No. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know,” I said, sounding completely lost and hopeless. “My dominance spikes whenever I’m mad or upset, or feeling anything that’s not perfectly calm, really. Unless I can channel it or exhaust it, it floods fucking everything. Turns the world red. I can usually hold myself back from losing it completely, but anything to do with Lexie seems to make it so much stronger.”
I could feel the shame of my earlier words still burning in my throat. I grit my jaw suddenly and stiffened. Seeing Dio connecting with Leif, building ties to this community, and knowing Pala was back with him, had me realizing just how much I had been holding him back. How much it would hurt Dio if I couldn’t fix this. It wasn’t fair to him. Lexie was his mate. Dio gave so much for me. I needed to think about him and Lexie now, about all three of them.
“My gramps was right. I’m too dangerous. I should leave. Alone. I’m just going to hurt Lexie, Maia, and everyone around me. You guys need to stay and look after Lexie. I’ll be gone by morning.” I tried to force my voice to be firm, and not betray just how much even the thought of leaving them destroyed me.
It wasn’t a trauma response to the thought of eventually losing them. I genuinely couldn’t figure out another way to stop hurting them now. I could feel my leaking dominance getting worse and my rage becoming more irrational, had for some time. I knew what it meant, and that becoming feral was a real possibility. All my energy had gone into getting home, to Maia, hoping that would fix it, but I was here and I was only hurting everyone.
“No.” Pala said firmly as Dio looked at me in shock, and Leif slumped slightly, looking disappointed.
“That’s not doing the work, that’s just running,” Leif said. “Maia tried it once, too.”
This was different. There was no work to do. My emotions felt like they were drowning me right now and I couldn’t shut them off. “I’m not running,” I sighed. “It’s the only way I know I can keep everyone safe.”
I was exhausted. I knew in my bones, my dominance was too much for me to handle alone. I’d tried and failed.
twenty-seven
Myheartbroke.Samhad always been so strong, despite the knocks that kept kicking him to the ground when he was young. He’d been a determined kid and had always had so much potential. The old timers had been afraid of him, but kids had gravitated to him. He’d always been so protective and I’d seen him stand up for someone younger or smaller than him more times than I could count.
I’d watched Dio instinctively shift in front of Sam a moment ago, the same way he’d always done when we were younger, whenever he sensed Sam struggling with himself. It brought a flood of memories and feelings rushing back. My position was always at Sam’s back, watching over both of them, and I’d shifted there without even thinking. Even though Sam deserved Lexie and her brother’s anger after what he’d just said, I would have intervened if Leif had taken a swing at Sam while he was clearly down.
Seeing Sam looking so defeated right now had me feeling guilty for all the years I’d been away. He’d always struggled with his dominance, but never like this. If I’d thought he or Dio had needed me, or any kind of help, I would have been back at their side in a heartbeat.
“No. No more. I just found you. We’re not splitting up again.” I couldn’t stand the thought of one of us walking away again. Just the idea caused something to tear inside of me that was held together with cobwebs. Sam wouldnt meet my eyes, though.
“I won’t go far,” he said, sounding fiercely determined. “I’ll find somewhere to stay nearby, so I’m close if you need me but Lexie doesn’t have to see me every day. Just think of me as a forward scout.”
Dio sobered up fast, as if he sensed this sudden resolve of Sam’s was different, and moved back in behind him. He pulled Sam to the ground, despite his suddenly stiff posture, and gave him a hug from behind. Looking like an anchor, holding Sam firmly in place.
