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I have all of this rage that has built up for over a decade and it has nowhere to go but out, no matter how much I try to starve it or wear it out. It’s exhausting and I’m so tired of fighting it.
I know my alpha beast is part of my nature, but I don’t want to be a beast with you. Or an asshole. I’ve been told my entire life I’m dangerous and I’m only just now figuring out that people may not have meant it the way I thought they did.
I’ve never felt like I was dangerous, not to innocent people, but my beast and I still have some issues we need to work on.
You see, I’ve learned to push people away before they can do it to me. Yet, Pala, Dio, Dave and Leif opened my eyes tonight to a world of possibility and it’s honestly a little terrifying. I want that world, though. I want it so badly I’m willing to bleed for it if I have to, and the shining star at the center is you.
I see you. I see how brilliantly you shine. Your courage, your fierce spirit, your boldness. You grabbed me by the throat when you stood up to me that first day and I’ve been yours ever since.
When I growl at you, it’s usually me I’m angry at. That I can’t get myself together enough to say what I really want. So, now I’m going to do as you asked and handle my shit. I’m going to work on deserving you.
I’ve written to Maia for years. I knew she probably wasn’t getting them because she never wrote back, but they became a kind journal I sent out into the world. Where I put all my worries, fears, hopes and dreams. It all comes out on a page the way I can never seem to get out in person.
If you don’t mind, I’d like to write to you. You don’t have to read them if you don’t want to, but hopefully one day we can figure out how to get your fierce omega and my wounded, stubborn beast to communicate properly.
Until then, I dream of the day I can finally touch you, knowing I’m yours as much as you’re mine.
Yours,
Sam.
I sat for a moment, holding the letter to my chest. Despite the cold freezer, I felt warm inside. I’d had no hesitation in claiming Dio and Pala the moment I’d met them. They both lit up my world in different ways.
Yet the pull to Sam had always felt intense and a little dark. I wasn’t afraid of it, though. I wanted to cover myself in that darkness, like a cloak, then roll around naked inside it. His own fear of himself, and his visibly conflicted emotions towards me, had held me back. Not wanting to hurt him anymore than he clearly had been already.
He’d been different this morning, though, more centered. More certain of himself. Like he had a better handle on his darkness. It still simmered in his eyes, but I didn’t mind that at all.
I ducked out of the freezer and discreetly grabbed a notepad and pen from the nearest counter before ducking back inside again.
I wrote furiously, not bothering to make it pretty. Needing to get out the feelings he had stirred within me with his letter.
Sam,
I’m not afraid of your beast. I get it, though; I keep people at arm’s length too. I was always afraid of what would happen if my omega suddenly burst out. But then she did. Now my world is no longer the same. It turns out, it’s not a bad thing. I finally feel free.
This is all new to me as well, so I also get that it’s terrifying. I hope one day you get to experience this freedom. Like I said last night, if I can help, I’m here. Just tell me what you need and I’ll raze cities to get it for you.
As for your beast. I actually kind of like him. Don’t coop him up on my account. My omega finds him tantalizing. She’d like to play with him. So maybe try to growl for me, not at me.
In the meantime, I’ll read any letters you write to me, but you also need to fix your shit with Maia. She’s important to me and she needs her big brother back.
Maybe, one day, yours,
Alexia
P.S. Nobody except Leif knows my full name. My mother gave it to me before I was born, but my father wouldn’t let anyone use it. Now I’m trusting you with it.
I smiled to myself. I had no desire to tame Sam’s beast. The thought of playing with it, though, gave me the shivers.
I tucked both of the letters into my pocket and slipped into the kitchen. Maia just winked at me and chucked an apron at me as I took up a station next to her.
“Have you noticed Sirena and Isabella lately?” She whispered so low I barely heard her as she helped me tie the apron. I glanced toward the two women and noticed Sirena caress the back of Isobella’s hand briefly as she leaned past her to grab something, causing Isabella to blush.
“When did that happen?” I whispered back. I’d clearly been neglecting my friends, so caught up in my own soap opera lately.
Maia shrugged discreetly. I glanced over again and noticed Isabella seemed to have made more of an effort with her appearance today than she had in a while, wearing a dress and putting her long brown hair up in a sleek ponytail. She was usually a jeans, tee and messy bun kind of girl. She even looked like she had some lip gloss on.
Isabella had been one of the first women I’d brought to the farm when she’d needed help to escape an abusive relationship. She’d been healing slowly and finally thrived in her role running the farm’s function center before the Crash. She deserved some happiness and a lot of love.
