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“You got it,” Em says immediately, and Rachel nods in agreement, the diamond stud in her nose winking under the lights.CJ, though, tucks her tiny drink straw in her mouth and makes a show of sucking up the last of her G&T rather than agreeing.
“I’m serious,” I tell her.“I’m sure I’ll enjoy all the hot, oiled-up dancing men, but I’d prefer to enjoy them from a respectful distance.”
CJ rolls her eyes but huffs her agreement.“Fine.A respectful distance it is.”
With that settled, I’m able to be marginally more relaxed.As long as Operation Cheer Up Liv doesn’t turn into Operation Let’s Force Liv Onstage, tonight will be fine.Assuming I can stay awake, of course.I already find myself stifling a yawn.Em catches me and laughs.
“Same, sister.It’s an hour past bedtime for me.”She’s a high school math teacher and a mom of three, and I’m trusting her to help me keep CJ in check tonight.
“You know what’ll wake you up?”CJ throws an arm in the air, signaling our server.“More alcohol.”
“Alcohol’s actually a depressant,” I remind her, but she just gives my ear a playful flick.I bat her hand away, although I’m not actually annoyed.The energy in the room is contagious as excited groups pack the tables surrounding the stage.
Tonight’s all-male show is happening on the second floor of the Crimson Lounge.It’s a smaller space than the main floor stage, where women dance six nights a week, and it’s packed for this once-a-week show.I count three bachelorette parties, a table of college-aged guys, and at least one birthday girl in the house tonight, along with smaller groups like ours.The women at the next table drove down from the Chicago suburbs for the night and are already screaming and stamping their feet in time to the thumping, pulsing music.
The shirtless blond hunk who brought us our first round heads over to our table, smoldering as he deposits fresh drinks.Then the lights dim and the music lowers, and cheers rip through the room.
“Here!”CJ shoves an envelope into my hands, then gives another one to Rachel and one to Em.Shouting to be heard over the din, she calls, “Spend it wisely!”
I gulp when I open the envelope to discover a wad of ones, tens, and twenties.There’s no way CJ’s letting us out of here until it’s all gone.
“Lllllladies and gentlemennnnnn,” a voice booms over the loudspeaker, “welcome to the Crimson Lounge!Tonight’s the debut of this year’s holiday spectacular, featuring the sexiest elves this side of the Arctic.”
Elves?I mouth to CJ, who shrugs and lifts her arms in a joyful scream.
“Now put your hands together for Rocket Ray!”the announcer tells us, and we do.Oh, we do, myself included, as a sandy-haired man strides onto the stage in tight white pants and a red hoodie to start his performance.It’s… muscular.Lots of one-armed push-ups to a driving beat.Plenty of hip thrusts and lunges.All that cardio reminds me that I need to find a gym while I’m in town.
“Show us your candy cane!”a woman on the opposite side of the stage shrieks, and Rocket flips to his feet and stalks over to her, ever so slowly unzipping his sweatshirt to uncover a rock-hard chest.Her table cheers as he rips off his pants and exposes the red-and-white striped G-string underneath.
Now that he’s unencumbered by clothes, he thrusts his way around the stage, stopping in front of each table as the women scream their approval and shove bills at him.Our table’s no exception, and we shower him with cash.It’s only polite after all, and he’s definitely working up a sweat for us.We do the same when a Mack truck of a guy named Diesel comes storming onto the stage dressed like a polar bear.Weirdly, it works, from the little white ears tucked in his dark hair to the round black nose attached to the front of his thong.And he lives up to his name, pumping his hips like an engine as he gyrates to a disco-y version of “Sleigh Ride.”He’s beefier than Rocket, and it’s… yeah, it’s nice.Tree trunk legs.Biceps the size of my head.He’s objectively attractive.
Yet my loins remain unbothered.The vibe is pure campy fun.The bachelorette party behind us is worked into a frenzy, and CJ and Rachel lose their damn minds when three men take the stage dressed as elves who seem to have misplaced most of their wardrobe in what I can only assume was a tragic accident at Santa’s workshop.They’re hot as hell, executing their choreography with military precision and stage-flirting with the audience to a degree I didn’t know was possible.They stop to bump and grind in unison directly in front of our table, and my mouth falls open when one of them hops off the stage and straddles Em’s lap.
“Hey, Mrs.Salazar!”he happily shouts.
“Hello, Benjamin,” she primly replies.“I see you finally stopped cutting gym class.”
Her eyes drop to his extraordinarily built chest, and he belts out a laugh.
“That I did,” he says as she tucks a bill into his thong.“Thank you kindly.May I be excused?”
Now she’s the one laughing.“Go,” she says.“Dance up on my friend Liv.She needs cheering up.”
“Oh, no, I?—”
Hot elf Benjamin ignores my objections and smashes his pecs against the back of my head for a bit before he moves on.
Once he’s gone, Em notices all three of us staring at her and flips a breezy hand in our direction.“Benjamin was in my Algebra I class, oh, four or five years ago?”
Rachel blinks.“And that wasn’t weird for you?”
Em shrugs the shrug of a veteran teacher.“I see my former students all over.One of them’s my OB-GYN.”
The rest of us reach for our drinks as we process this revelation, and when yet another team of dancers takes the stage, CJ asks, “Just so we’re prepared, did you teach any of them long division?”
Our table melts into laughter both at the joke and at the sight of grown men in reindeer antlers peeling off their brown onesies.As they form a line to shimmy their way across the stage, I start to fully relax.There are no wild risks here.The vibe is sexy-silly, and while I’m perfectly happy to hand over my cash to the hot dudes dancing their asses off, in no way am I tempted to throw my unmentionables onto the stage like the maid of honor behind us just threatened to do.
It’s gotten easier to enthusiastically cheer along with everyone else when the deejay announces the next dancer and a blond guy appears onstage in a blocky blue costume.All four of us squint and tilt our heads as a violin- and clarinet-heavy song kicks on.
