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“Easier said than done.”
“Do me a favor and try anyway.”
“Then do me a favor and try not to pick any more fights. Please. Do you want to prove you would be an asset in the NHL? Try not starting a brawl in the middle of practice.” She taps a finger to her temple. “Am I getting through?”
“Yeah. I get it.” When I get up, my hands ache to touch her. Even something as simple as taking her by the shoulders and rubbing them a little so she knows there’re no hard feelings on my end. I care about her as much as I ever have. I probably even love her, which makes all of this even more complicated. I love her, and I can’t do something as simple as touching or kissing her even innocently.
The way she leans back when I get closer only confirms it. “You know my office is off-limits.”
There goes that bitterness again, right on schedule, blooming in the center of my chest and making bile rise in my throat. Her office wasn’t always off-limits. I walked in on her getting spit roasted not very long ago, didn’t I?
Did you push Ash away?The question is on the tip of my tongue. I bite it back just in time – no matter how satisfying it would be to ask the question, I would feel a hundred times worse if I did. I don’t want to hurt her. It’s the last thing I’d ever want to do.
So what’s the alternative? Hurting them? No, I can’t do that, either. I need to figure out some way to work through this – or else everything we’ve all worked to build together will fall apart.
18
HARLOW
Alright, so it was probably foolish of me to imagine waking up with my guys this morning.
But it was a natural assumption yesterday at this time. There I was, thinking they would all be so eager for sex after our long dry spell, they wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off me. It never occurred to me that they’d get into a huge fight. I sure as hell wasn’t about to invite them over after that, especially since I didn’t have a chance to talk to Soren about his part in the whole thing, and why he got dragged into the fight when all he was trying to do was break it up. At least, that’s how it looked at the time. I could be wrong, but how would I know? He went home before I could track him down. I didn’t have it in me to chase after him.
So here I am, opening my eyes in an otherwise empty bed. Certainly not the worst thing in the world, waking up bathed in sunshine and with a day off to look forward to. What’s the good of having a day off when all I can think about is work? Because in the end, that’s what this is all about. Our personal relationship aside, I have to get them working together if I want to do my job. Not only will it mean making sure they can work together, but it would be nice if one of them didn’t randomly blurt out our secret in the middle of a fight.
Even the vague idea makes me cringe and want to throw the blankets over my head, but instead I fling them off before the temptation to lie here and feel sorry for myself gets to be too much to resist.
It looks like a beautiful day, and once I’ve gone downstairs and stepped outside, I can’t help but smile at the rush of fresh air that stirs my hair. It’s still only in the sixties according to the weather app on my phone, but I can feel the difference. It’ll get warmer as the day goes on, but right now I want to take advantage of the break from the heat. It’s been a while since I’ve pulled my bike out and taken a ride, and if I wear my backpack, I can carry things home from the farmers market easily.
My mind is made up before I’ve finished my coffee, and soon I’m on my way. My troubled thoughts and heavy heart are no match for the breezy morning, and I can even whistle to myself as I peddle down streets that are still quiet at this time on a Saturday morning. I can almost feel hopeful.
That is, until the conundrum that kept me up late into the night works its way back to the forefront of my thoughts.
What am I going to do about them? Just when I think we’ve reached a good place, something has to come along and shake everything up. Maybe I’m kidding myself during those good times, pretending like we’re on a good course and all of this is a very good idea. No potential for disaster at all.
Yes. I’m definitely kidding myself. The closer I get to all three of them, the better the chances of one or more being resentful and letting that resentment spill over onto the ice.
I can’t let this happen, and it’s not only because of the danger it would mean for me and my career. I don’t want to ruin theirs, either. Sure, they need to learn to get over themselves, but they wouldn’t have so much trouble with that if it weren’t for me. No matter how I look at this, no matter how long I spend twisting and turning it, I keep coming to the same conclusion. I am the problem. The only way out of this is to take myself out of the equation.
Right away, something aches in my chest at the idea. It’s not the first time I’ve had it — I may or may not have cried myself to sleep last night when I came to that conclusion. I told myself I would sleep on it and give it some more thought today, because in the end, this is the last thing I want. Walking away from them just when things are getting better? After that amazing weekend we spent connecting, having a good time together. I don’t want that to end.
But let’s face it. It doesn’t matter what I want. That’s not how life goes. We can make all the wishes in the world, but they don’t mean anything. It’s time for me to start being realistic and stop letting my feelings guide my actions. I’m supposed to be a responsible adult with letters after my name and all that. I need to start acting like it.
Even if the idea leaves me blinking back disappointed tears as I climb off my bike and start walking it through the market. There are so many smiling, cheerful people around. I wonder if any of them know what it feels like to smile through pain before shaking myself a little. Of course, they do. This particular situation might be unique, but pain isn’t unique. We all go through it, and we all have to keep pushing forward. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how much we want to stick our fingers in our ears and yellla-la-lalike we did when we were kids and we didn’t want to acknowledge something.
I doubt any of the guys would be the ones to step up and announce our relationship is over. They’re the ones who would stick their fingers in their ears and ignore me, I bet.
Which means I have to be the one to do it. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I really, really don’t want to. It just doesn’t matter. I doubt there’s ever going to be a time when they’ll be able to share without resentment, or the feeling of being left out. Heck, when I look at it that way, it seems completely unfair to continue with this. I don’t want anybody to be hurt for any reason if I can help it.
But this is going to hurt, isn’t it? They might not tell me so, but it will. And I’m still going to have to face them every day down at the arena, but I knew that when we started this. I mixed business with pleasure, and there’s a reason people say you shouldn’t shit where you eat. Why does everybody feel like they’re going to be the exception to the rule? Even I did, and I should know better. I’ve sort of made it my business to learn all the little tricks, all the lies we tell ourselves. What’s the old saying? Physician, heal thyself. I guess that wouldn’t be a saying if I were the only person who ever had a hard time applying the wisdom they’ve earned to their own life.
“Smile, pretty lady.” I’m surprised when a flower vendor holds out a single, white rose. “For you. You look like you could use something to pick you up.”
Normally, I feel the way most women do when they’re told to smile, but right now I’m fragile enough and grateful enough for the gesture that I accept the rose with genuine warmth. “Thank you. It’s beautiful.”
As I continue through the market, I lift it to my nose every once in a while and take a deep breath. It does ease some of the pressure in my head.
I wish it could ease the ache in my chest. I wish it had the power to make any of this easier. But there are some things you just have to push through, some pain you have to experience before it finally eases. This is one of those times.
