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19
HARLOW
Iknew they weren’t going to make this easy for me.
I told myself when I asked the three of them to meet me for lunch that they would do everything they could to avoid seeing each other. Granted, they’ve had to see each other all morning during practice. I made it a point to watch from high up in the stands, and the aggression I witnessed on Friday was nowhere to be found. Coach Kozak happened to look around and spot me watching, and the relieved little smile he wore should’ve made me feel good. All it did was make me want to shrink away and hide like the liar I am. He thinks I did a good thing, like I talked the guys into getting along. He doesn’t have the first clue that I am the reason they were fighting in the first place.
My hands are shaking, and I haven’t had a drop of coffee today. I didn’t trust myself with it – my stomach is in knots, and I’ve been fighting nausea all morning, so coffee would only make it worse. My empty stomach growls but I doubt I’ll be able to eat a bite until I get this over with. Maybe not even then, depending on the reaction I get. I doubt it’s going to be good. I doubt I’m going to come out of this feeling like anything more than a complete monster. No, it wasn’t my idea for all of us to be together like this, but I agreed to it, didn’t I?
Some things, you just have to go through. Sure, I worried there would be problems down the line. Jealousy, that kind of thing. I hoped they would find a way to get through that for the sake of everybody. But you don’t know until you know. I didn’t know how volatile their three personalities could be when mixed together. Sure, they’re friends, and they get along well when there aren’t any big obstacles in the way.
Looks like I am the obstacle big enough to put a wedge between them. I only hope they understand. This is the only solution that can possibly work. I’m sure they’ll offer all kinds of promises, but I have to be strong. No matter how much I don’t want to.
I haven’t even spoken to them yet, mainly because they are being ridiculous and waiting each other out, but I can practically hear their promises already. No matter how much I’m going to want to believe it, I can’t break down. No matter how much I don’t want to do this, one of us has to be realistic. One of us has to keep our futures in mind, since it’s not just about me anymore. They’re starting to jeopardize their own careers now, and I can’t have that.
It’s ten minutes after our supposed one o’clock meet-up when Ryder strolls out like a man without a care in the world. I see straight through him – especially when he pulls up short, clearly surprised to find me sitting alone at one of the picnic benches. He glances around, then scowls. Clearly, he wanted to be the last one to arrive.
“Come on, sit down,” I implore.
“I thought this was supposed to be all of us.” He thinks he’s annoyed with me now? He has no idea what’s coming. He barely looks at me before perching on the bench along the other side of the table.
“Are you going to pick up something to eat from one of the trucks?”
He shakes his head. “I’d rather get this over with.”
“Okay.” He is completely closed off right now. Protecting himself. I hope he can do that, really I do. I hope he can protect himself from what’s about to happen.
It’s another few minutes of silent discomfort before Ash joins us, looking about as annoyed as Ryder did when he found me sitting alone. Soren wanders out after another uncomfortable minute. It might look pretty strange, all of us sitting here together without even eating, but then I can always explain it away as a discussion about their fight. Really, that’s pretty much what this is about, anyway.
I’m sitting next to Ash, with Ryder and Soren opposite me. It’ll be a miracle if I don’t get sick all over this table. Now that all three of them are staring at me expectantly, I can’t find the words. I don’t want to do this. This is the last thing I want to do.
But dammit, it’s not my fault. I’m not the one throwing fists in front of the entire team.
It’s the memory of their fight that helps break through my dread. I have to do it. There’s no other way. “All I ask right now is that you let me get this out before anybody says a word, okay?” Ryder lifts an eyebrow. Soren smirks – big surprise. Only Ash’s expression doesn’t change. It’s almost like he already knows what he’s going to hear. I guess it doesn’t take a genius, really.
“I think it’s pretty obvious there’s a problem here.” Nobody bothers arguing. At least they give me that much credit. “And it’s pretty obvious what it is. I thought this could work – well, I hoped it would. But that’s not completely up to me. And now, to see the three of you fighting? Do you understand how difficult that was for me to see? Because I know I’m the reason for it – and don’t bother telling me I’m not,” I warn when Soren’s mouth pops open. “Please. Don’t insult my intelligence. I’m sorry if I’ve come between you. I really don’t want it to be this way, truly.”
I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I take a deep, shaky breath, then decide to tear the Band-Aid off all at once and to get it over with. “I think we need to end this. I think this is where we break up.”
“Wait a second.” Ryder is going to end up with a sore neck if he doesn’t stop shaking his head the way he is. “No. That’s not what needs to happen.”
“Really? Can you guarantee none of you will let our personal relationship get in the way again? You can’t. And I understand. I’m not blaming any of you. I’m blaming myself, if anything.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” There’s an intensity in Ash’s voice that breaks my heart a little. He’s barely holding it together, and I want nothing more than to comfort him. But the one thing he wants to hear me say is the one thing I can’t say. This is so cruel.
“But I’m not helping, either. And listen, this is affecting my job, too. I’m supposed to be helping you guys improve. Now, I’ve got Coach Kozak telling me to get to the bottom of your problems. I am the problem. Do you see what that’s doing to me, too? I can’t keep up with all the lies and excuses, and I certainly can’t handle knowing you’re fighting over me. I wouldn’t be able to handle it even if we didn’t work together, but we do, which makes it so much worse. Please, I’ve given this a lot of thought. And this isn’t what I want, I need you to understand that. But it is what needs to happen.”
“So that’s it? We don’t get a say?” Ryder is building up to what could be a pretty big explosion. His eyes are narrowed, his teeth are gritted, and he’ll break them if he clenches his jaw much tighter.
“If somebody in a relationship wants to break up, and if they have a good reason, what else is there to say? And this is a good reason. One of us has to be responsible, and if it has to be me, I can handle that. What I cannot handle is watching the three of you flush your potential down the drain because of personal issues. And I can’t handle feeling like I’m sabotaging your futures. So that’s it. I do still want us to be friends.” God, does that sound hollow at a time like this, even though it’s very much what I want. “And of course, as usual, I hope we can all keep this between us. It’ll be better this way. It’ll be easier for all of us. It’ll be okay.”
Looking at the three of them, it’s obvious nothing’s ever going to be okay among us ever again.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
20
SOREN
