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Fuck me.
I feel the sunshine beating down. I smell the food being cooked in the trucks behind me, aromas carried on the breeze. I hear birds chirping their heads off like there’s something to be happy about.
This is real. It’s happening. It’s not some nightmare.
But I feel removed from it somehow. I’m here, but I’m not. It’s almost like I’m watching a play. Something dark and perverse. And I’m watching myself fighting to keep it together.
Obviously, I knew it had to be something like this. Either we were going to be chastised to hell and back for being naughty boys, or she was going to blame herself for the fight. I suppose it was foolish of me, but I didn’t imagine her taking it this far. Sure, there are bound to be bumps along the road, but we work through those. Don’t we? Aren’t we worth fighting for?
“You know, you’ve said things like this before.” I keep it light, like I’m teasing her a little. It’s a habit I fall into easily – maybe too easily. Maybe a lifetime of feeling like I was never quite good enough left me in need of a defense mechanism. I’m sure Harlow would be proud of me for making that assessment, but now isn’t the time.
“I know I have.” There’s a brutal quality to her voice. She doesn’t appreciate being reminded. “And that was stupid of me. I need to stop going back on my word. I know this is for the best, no matter how much it sucks.”
“Well. At least we know you’re not taking it lightly.”
She wrinkles her brow when she looks at me, and I wish I hadn’t said it. Sometimes, there’s no room for sarcasm. What else am I supposed to do, break down crying? Demand she take it back? Right, like that would get me anywhere. “That’s mean. You don’t have to be mean.”
“Don’t be an asshole,” Ash hisses.
“You can stop kissing ass now,” I counter. “She’s breaking up with all of us. You included. Or do you think you can get her to change her mind?”
“I have an idea. Why don’t you stop talking about me like I’m not here?” She can get good and angry when she feels like it, and she feels like it now. I’m surprised my skin isn’t blistering in the heat of her glare.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur with a smirk. “But really. We all knew this was a longshot. Making it work, I mean. And we couldn’t do it. Oh, well. These things happen.”
“Sometimes I really don’t understand you,” Ash mutters. All Ryder has managed to do is stare at me. I stare back, arching an eyebrow. He looks away first, shaking his head and muttering.
Let them wonder what I’m thinking. Let them ask themselves how I can be so callous. That’s a hell of a lot better than letting them witness me losing my shit over this. Not so very deep down inside, that’s exactly what I’m doing, but I can’t now. None of them can, Harlow included. I am not going to make a fool of myself. Not even for her.
“So that’s it?” Her chin quivers and her eyes shine too brightly. Is she going to cry? Dammit, that’s not what I want. None of this is what I want.
“Don’t get the wrong idea.” I would reach across the table and take her hand, but even that could be misconstrued by a witness. Well, they wouldn’t be misconstruing, come to think of it. Which would only make things worse. “This isn’t how I want to see things go. I don’t like the idea of having to break up this way. But what’s the use in fighting it? If this is how things have to be, so be it. It would only be a waste of time to do anything else but accept reality.”
“Must be easy being you,” Ryder mutters, shooting me a filthy look. “You don’t feel anything, do you?”
“You’re wrong.” It takes concerted effort to stay calm. “I feel a lot of things, and I feel them deeply. But I’m a realist, too. And I’m not going to insult Harlow by pretending there’s any way to talk her out of this.”
“Thank you,” she murmurs. I nod my head in response, grinding my teeth against the scream behind them, a scream that wants badly to be heard. This isn’t what I want. This isn’t how it was supposed to be. I thought I had time, dammit. Time to be with her. Time to tell her how I feel. I never did that, and now I won’t have a chance. It wouldn’t only be a waste of time. It would be cruel.
If anything, I’m protecting her the only way I can. After all, these two wear their hearts on their sleeves – they look devastated, and if Coach Kozak were to walk past right now, I don’t want to imagine the conclusions he’d come to. You don’t look as dejected as they do without there being a serious personal issue behind it.
I can at least have a little dignity. Sure, it might sting for her to think I don’t care, but it would sting a hell of a lot worse if she knew she’s broken three hearts today instead of two.
I feel the weight of Ash’s gaze and the resentment behind it. He doesn’t get it. I didn’t want this. Okay, so I flirted with other women in Seattle, but it meant nothing. Just a little fun, diversion. This is where my heart was. With her, always with her. What was I supposed to do, admit that? I can’t even admit to it now, when she’s slipping through my fingers.
It wouldn’t make any difference. That’s what keeps me silent. She’s not going to change her mind. And I’ve never been someone who enjoys banging his head against a brick wall.
Though if she decided to give in and change her mind once I convinced her, damn me to hell, because her future is at stake. When I look at it that way, my petty needs are very small.
That’s why I sit here, silently accepting the last thing I want. I doubt I could do it for myself, but I can do it for her.
21
ASH
“So that’s it?” I can’t wrap my head around this. I just can’t.
Soren snorts. “Is your hearing off today? You heard her. But really, it’s nobody’s fault but our own. We couldn’t keep our shit together, and this is what we get.”
