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This kid breaks my heart every single day of his life, and he doesn’t even know it. I wipe a tear away behind his back. “Thanks, baby. The point is, I think I can reach him now, and if I do, I’d like you to meet him. If you want to. Do you?”
He grins at me. “Yeah. We can play dinosaurs.”
I laugh. “I’m not sure he likes dinosaurs.”
“He’s an explorer, Mom! Of course, he likes dinosaurs.”
“You’re right. What was I thinking?”
He smiles at me like I am a dummy, then goes back to his toys.
Okay, that wasn’t so bad. I think he understands as much as I’m willing to tell him at the moment. Hard to explain the concept of a one-night stand to a child, but he knows enough at the moment. I whip out my phone to find a fire in Maine.
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20
Everett
Maine, home to twelve million acres of forest, is also ninety percent tree-covered, the most of any U.S. state. Thankfully, it’s also one of the more humid states, which usually means it’s forest fires are not as bad as they could be. Not like the western U.S. Firestorms don’t happen in Maine—it’s not dry enough for it. But today, it really doesn’t matter.
This fire is one hell of a blaze.
Smokejumpers from around the country have come to help, so we’re one of several teams. It’s good and bad—everyone wants to take point. But at the end of the day, we’re all just here to save some trees, so even though egos flare, they can’t compare to the fires flaring around us. Keeps things in perspective.
It’s one of the things I love about the job. Everything else is small potatoes compared to getting burned alive or dying of smoke inhalation or getting mauled by a confused bear who got smoked out of hibernation. Nothing like life and death to keep your head in the game.
That’s exactly why I took the gig. I need the distracting focus only a fire can provide. The grueling hours. Swinging my ax from sunrise to sunset and beyond. The way sweat mixes with ash to make a strange sticky paste…okay, maybe I didn’t miss that part of it. But the bone-deep exhaustion and quick pace of the work is precisely what I need right now. Can’t let myself think about why.
But even in the middle of the flames, one thing pops into the forefront of my mind. As much as I try to squish it back or ignore it, it’s still there. Hell, even the way fire flickers and curls around bushes makes me think of her wild red curly hair.
Aria is all around me.
It’s not fair. But if I go down that road, I’ll never stop. The unfairness of it all hit first, but after two days working the fire, even I had to admit that was a petulant response. Fair or not doesn’t really matter. And if this situation is unfair to anyone, it’s Owen.
My son.
The words still don’t compute, but they’re there. Cormac says he’s the spitting image of me when I was his age, and that’s…that’s a lot. It’s all a lot. Crazy to think that I have a kid out there. Not reallyout there—he’sinSomerset Harbor. Waiting to have a dad. And I’m in Maine. Because I ran away. Like I always do.
By the time my shift has ended, I’m beat and beating myself up. I pack it in when the next crew comes to our position. Waving off, I hike back to camp. The portable shower units haven’t arrived yet—something about being stuck in snowed out roads at the moment. Nothing says, “Thanks for your service,” like a half-assed shower of biodegradable baby wipes. But it’s better than nothing, so I’ll take it.
I’m back in the tent before Miranda, and I can’t tell if I’m hungry or too exhausted to eat when she pops in and tosses a few sandwiches my way. “You know the rule. No sleep without eating.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She huffs a laugh and rolls her eyes. “If you were my kid, I’d have smacked you for that tone.”
“I don’t think they let people smack their kids anymore.” Not according to the parenting websites I looked at before I ran away from reality.
She shrugs and facetiously says, “Probably a good thing I won’t ever have kids, then.”
I force down a bite of a bologna sandwich. “You, um, you sure about that?”
“Oh yeah. Kids and me are not a thing that’s ever going to happen.”
“How come?”
“You think I want to do this job pregnant?”
