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“I guess.”
She smiles. “Cheer up. He’s five. You have time to fix this. He’s not going to remember a lot of what happens right now.”
“Right now, I’m focused on this fire. I don’t know how to deal with any of the other stuff.”
“Do you think pretending he doesn’t exist is the healthy way to deal with it?”
I laugh. “No one said anything about healthy, Miranda. This is what I do. I exhaust myself for days on end, and usually, that helps me to clear my head. It’s all I can do right now.”
“Sure, it is.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re one of the most capable smokejumpers I have ever worked with, Everett. You’re calm and collected, and when you’re in the zone, I almost feel bad for the fire.”
I chuckle. “But…?”
“But right now, you’re telling yourself this story about what you can and can’t do, and it’s bullshit. You say this is all you can do right now, and that’s true, becauseyoubelieveit’s all you can do right now. I get that this is a huge, life-changing event, but it’s not a life-endingevent, and you have to stop acting like it is. One chapter in your life has ended, but the next one is up to you to write. Decide how you want the story to end.”
I gulp. “That’s a lot of pressure, Miranda.”
“That’s life, Everett.”
I hate when she’s right.
-
21
Aria
It’s been days since I found out Everett had gone to Maine, and my phone calls and texts go unanswered. I’m not sure if that’s intentional on his part or not. Not that I’d blame him for ignoring me at the moment. Things are so up in the air that I’m not thinking clearly. Hopefully, he’s not having the same problem. I can muddle through my days without too much falling to the wayside. If he muddles, he could die.
My free time has been taken by smokejumper documentaries and books, and it’s not helping my nerves, but I can’t seem to stop. Whenever I have a minute to myself, it’s hotshots and Pulaski’s on my phone. I get news alerts about the fire in Maine and what percentage is contained and which way the wind is blowing.
None of it is good for my catastrophizing.
By the weekend, I’m a mess. This is dumb. He’s not my man. He’s practically nothing to me. But I can’t stop thinking about what he’s going through. What he’s been through. It’s obsessive, and I don’t care. He’s my son’s father. That means he’s important, even if I’m angry with him.
By Saturday morning, I’ve accepted what I have to do, and I text Lily.
Once we get things settled, I have to sell it to Owen. “Hey, buddy. How would you feel about spending the weekend with Frannie and Aiden MacMillan starting today?”
“Okay!”
“Go pack your bag—"
But he’s already run into his room and is packing. He adores those two. Even though they’re a year older than him, they’ve been like family to him at school. It’s almost like they know he’s their cousin. They’re a pair of incredibly sweet twins who had been in my class not long ago, and it’s why I had hooked Lily up with her nanny gig in the first place. I’d never thought it would start something between her and Cormac, but life takes funny turns.
While Owen packs, I do, too. I do not know how long this will take, so it just makes sense to be prepared. Grab a couple of power bars for the road, and I’m all set, but I am five steps behind him.
“Come on, Mom!” He waits impatiently by the front door.
“On my way.” I am happy to see him this excited about it. Makes leaving him so much easier.
As soon as we pull up to Lily and Cormac’s place, I’m shocked by how gorgeous it is. A squared-up modern smallish mansion, the place is right on the coast and has no visible neighbors. Jealous doesn’t scratch the surface, but I’m also happy for Lily. She deserves the best. Even when I’m mad at her.
She and the kids run out to greet us, and the twins abscond with Owen the moment after he hugs me goodbye. I’m happy to see it, even if it stings a little. Lily’s nervous, and I’m not used to seeing that on her. I sigh. “Can we just call a truce? I’m sorry I—"
