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She smiles, and it’s another sad one. That’s all I’ve gotten from her lately. Sad smiles. “Because I can see your disappointment about Everett, and I’m sure none of this is what you wanted to hear about your son’s father.”
“Like you said. You and I owe each other the unvarnished truth—"
The first bell rings.
She waves at the kids as they run off to class, and I do the same with Owen. It’s been our pattern this week. Lily says, “Good luck. With all of it.”
“Thanks. One of these days, I’ll check in with how you’re doing, too.”
She laughs. “For once, my life isn’t nearly as dramatic as yours. Be a crappy friend for a while. You’ve earned it.”
I laugh and shake my head as I jog to my classroom. Next comes the other ugly part of my day, so at least I started my morning with a coffee from Lily. If I taught any other grade, I could be more of a person than what pre-K teachers are expected to be. Instead, we are constant cheerleaders, always sunny and pleasant. At the very least, we are never allowed to be anything south of serene.
My stomach has yet to give up the fight against all of this. Knots don’t begin to cover how it feels in there, particularly after the chat with Lily. It’s hard to force that smile on this morning. It doesn’t fit my face today, and I worry that it’ll come off more as a grimace. But once the kids are seated, I affix it into place. I can tell it isn’t working by their confused expressions, and when I turn to my co-teacher, Riley, she gives me big eyes along with her giant smile. She turns her back to the class—something we never do—and whispers, “You look psychotic, Aria. No more Joker smile.”
I chuckle, which helps me smile like normal. I mumble, “Better?”
“Much.”
With that, I take a breath and let the outside world go. “Okay, class, today…”
-
25
Everett
Once we get near Portland, my phone’s reception catches up. Missed notifications light up my phone like it’s Christmas. Deleting all of Aria’s—since we’ve already spoken—I thumb through and see Cormac’s name on my missed calls. After fearing the worst about Mom and Dad, and then Owen, I’m not in a mood to wait for any kind of news, so I call him straight away once I get a minute alone outside the gas station while everyone else forages for snacks and bathroom breaks. “Hey—
“Come home.”
“Something wrong?”
He huffs a laugh. “A lot of things are wrong—
“Is it Mom or Dad? The kids?”
“One kid in particular. Owen.”
When I sigh and tip my head back, I’m reminded that I’m leaning on the gas station’s brick wall and it is not kind to my skull. “Damn.”
“Look I—"
“No, I hit my head. It’s not that I don’t want to see him—"
“I should hope not!”
I sigh again. “Cormac, I want to see my son. I’m just not sure how to go about any of this.”
“You get on a plane and fly back. I’ll buy you a ticket if—"
“I don’t need your money. It’s not the logistics that have me messed up. It’s…it’s the five years that I’ve missed out on. Maybe it’s stupid, but it fucking hurts to think about.”
For once, Cormac doesn’t push ahead in the conversation. I’d expected him to take charge of the whole thing and tell me what to do. He’s my big brother. I’m used to that from him. But it seems I’m not the only one who is messed up about this. Instead, he takes a beat. “If you really want to do this, you have to be committed, Everett.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Give me a quick rundown of the past decade of your life, and I think you’ll be able to figure that out.”
