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I love my brother. I really do. And I have to remind myself of that when he says things like this, or I’ll snap at him. But the truth is, commitment has never been my strong suit. How angry can I be at him when I’ve given him every reason to doubt me? So, I let it go.
“Okay. Well, the good news is, I’m speaking to the most committed and determined man I know, and if he’s feeling generous, he can give me some pointers. I want to get this right. He’s my son. I don’t want to be the reason he’s on a stripper pole in fifteen years.”
He snorts a laugh. “Pretty sure he’s the wrong gender for that.”
“You don’t want to know the things I’ve seen, Cormac. Trust me.”
“I’ll take your word for it. Being a dad takes work. It takes dedication. You can’t just be there for the fun stuff. You’ve missed a lot of the good things, but you’ve also missed a lot of the hard things. The two a.m. feedings, the bedwetting, colic, all that stuff Aria has done on her own.”
“Oh, sure. I needed more guilt.”
He chuckles. “Just being honest. If you do this, you’re going to benefit from years of her hard work. You need to recognize that and appreciate what she’s done for your son, and make sure you keep that in mind when you interact with her.”
I take a breath. “I didn’t exactly do that when she came up here. Pretty sure I ruined any shot of being a convivial co-parent with her in one conversation.”
“Yes, I heard about that. But the thing about co-parenting is, it doesn’t get ruined in a single conversation. You have a child together. You have years of conversations ahead of you to get things right with Aria. Apologize for being a dick, but don’t wallow in it. Mistakes are a part of the process.”
“You read that book, too?”
Cormac chuckles. “Lily has me re-reading a lot of parenting books lately. She wants us to be on the same page with the twins and their mom, and wait—does that mean you have been reading parenting books, too?”
“I want to get this right.”
I can hear the smile in his voice. “That’s a good start, Everett. The best advice I can give is to listen. Pay attention. Both to him and to her. She knows him better than you do for now, but that will even out over time. Until that happens, Aria is your best resource for Owen’s information, so getting along with her will be your best bet. Your conversation in Maine went bad, but I have faith that you can fix it.”
“I’ll make it up to her. Somehow.”
“Good,” he goes on about commitment and all that stuff, and I pick up tips here and there, but mostly, I’m distracted.
Both Owen and Aria deserve to have someone there for them in this. The morning she came to camp, I’d assumed the worst. That something had happened to my son. I had psyched myself up, thinking something had happened to Mom or Dad, and that my brother had come to tell me in person, so I transferred that fear onto my son. In the space of the first twenty seconds of our conversation, I thought I might lose my mind from grief. And I haven’t even met the kid yet.
When I realized I could lose my mind over losing Owen, I knew I had to change. He means more to me than makes any sense, and I have to meet him. Maybe it’s a primal thing, but I have to be a part of his life somehow. Strange to think I’m already obsessed with this tiny bundle of responsibilities, but I am. In fact, I’m excited to meet him. The only scary part about it is how awed I know I will be when I do. But the thought of being a father—something that used to terrify me to my core—is the one thing that I’m most excited about in all of this.
Aria is a close second. If she doesn’t hate me.
The disappointment on her face when I pushed her away…it haunts me. I was coming off the terror high of worrying about Owen, and I lost all grace. The soul-deep exhaustion I’d clung to for answers had made me a cranky bastard, and between that and worrying about my son, I was a dick to her. I vow to do better by her, starting now. It would be selfish to hope for anything more than co-parenting with her.
She’s a beautiful, kind, intelligent woman. It was incredibly brave—if a little inappropriate—for her to drive all the way to Maine just for a conversation with me. But she did it to smooth things over with her son’s father for his benefit, and that’s amazing. I respect the hell out of her for it. She has the mom commitment thing down pat. I’m sure she has men lining up around the world for her, and she deserves so much more than I could ever offer, so I squash those thoughts away. No matter how much I like her.
But I can learn to be a dad, and I will.
“…and I have held out telling anyone else in the family about all of this, but it’s killing me, so I really need you to make an announcement and soon. And another thing—"
“Cormac, I’m coming to Somerset Harbor, and I’m going to make all of this right. I swear.”
He sighs. “I’m chewing your ear off, aren’t I?”
“Maybe a little. But I like it. It’s nice to know you care about me.”
“About you? Pfft. You’re a grown man. When Aria was away, Owen stayed with us. That kid is great. I hope you like dinosaurs.”
I laugh. “Not really, but I can learn to like them.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“I’ll be back home in a few hours. Well, back in Somerset Harbor, anyway. I have a stop to make before I get home.”
“Okay. See you soon.”
