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“We were just… messing around. We didn’t actually have sex.”
Stephanie shrugs. “Down bad,” she says, nodding to the group. “Yeah, he’s down bad.”
Levi laughs and does the motion for sex with his hand, raising his eyebrows suggestively as he does. I can feel my face turn red.
“Where’s your bathroom?” I ask, standing up.
“Around the corner.” Stephanie points. “Be careful, my parents are hanging out in their room.”
I walk to the bathroom and shut the door, cracking open the small window above the toilet. Sitting down on the lid, I check my phone and find that Taylor’s texted. My face lights up, and I can’t control it.
Happy Thanksgiving, Elijah (turkey emoji)
How’s California?I ask, watching as the dots pop on the screen.
It’s been alright.
I miss you…I type it out but don’t send it.How are you?I send instead.
I’m okay. I miss home.
I picture her sitting in a small Californian apartment next to her mom. I always liked her mom, but I couldn’t say that, not with what happened. Not with what I knew. I just hope she’s okay. I put my phone away and walk back to the couch. They have a movie on, and I sit far away from them on the opposite end of the couch as they snuggle up together. Still so fucking weird to me but I’m not going to say anything.
I miss you.I type out and decidedly send.
What’s the worst that could happen?
33
TAYLOR CROMWELL
He texts me that he misses me. I can’t believe he actually misses me, after what I’ve done. I’m still having a hard time forgiving myself. But I do like to remind myself that he probably felt little to no remorse the first month after leaking my San Jose photos.
Mom’s apartment is perpetually trashed. The paint on the walls is peeling; there is black mold on the guest shower head. Maybe the apartment has always been like this, but I didn’t see it until I was exposed to whatever luxury Jessica introduced into the Cromwell’s. Our Thanksgiving consisted of deli turkey slices, mixed mashed potatoes and boxed mac and cheese. It was still perfect, though, to be with mom. I begged her not to have her boyfriend come over, like a teenager. I just wanted it to be us like it used to be. I’m also afraid her boyfriend may not be as peachy as she lets on.
Like me, she has bad taste in men. Men who have mommy issues; men who have communication and emotional distrust.
She swapped out our old Goodwill table for a newer upgrade. It’s still a hand me down but she says the neighbors gave it to her when they were moving out. I’m glad she’s making friends down here with me gone. I’m always worried I’m her only source of conversation beyond the various men who seem to destroy her life. When I got here, her fridge was full of Korean take out, and I swapped it with some fresh ingredients from the local store using some of my money. I’m glad that Dad offered to pay for me to visit, even though he really wanted me to stay at his house. He’s getting greedy with his time with me, but it’s nice to feel wanted, too.
With our bellies full, we part ways for the night and go to our own rooms. My room is exactly how I left it, minus King, of course. I had to beg Dad to take care of him while I was away. His empty terrarium sits collecting dust, and I can’t believe how small it is.
I lay down on my messy twin-sized bed and look up at the star stickers on the ceiling, glowing in the darkness. Even though it’s only been a couple months, this room feels like it’s a part of my past, a part of me that is long gone. I remember Jared and I would sneak into my room when we first met. I remember how much he hated the apartment and hated my small bed. Maybe he would have liked me more if he saw what I live in now. One of his shirts is still on my dresser, a sick reminder that I ever let that selfish man into my body.
That familiar and disgusting scent of cheap cologne and aloe vera still remains on the sheets of my bed. I thought I knew what I was doing with him. I thought I needed a guy like him to remind me that life wasn’t a fairytale. It’s what I told myself I deserved after abandoning Elijah after graduation. Why would I get a happy ending with a man that treated me well if I up and left the first one? Why should I be happy if Mom is always miserable?
I’m not sure if what I’m doing with myself now is called self-care, but it certainly isn’t as destructive.
The small television I have here is now broken. I threw my glass of water at it when I saw the photos leak around campus. I can still feel the way Jared pressed me down into the bed, his hand pressing into my chest after he saw the fabricated pictures. Mom must have been drunk or asleep because she didn’t seem to hear any of it.
I roll over, placing my hand under my head. My phone buzzes with a text message and I grab it, the bright light blinding my eyes. It’s Elijah. My insides quickly feel warm and fuzzy. He may have been an ass, but he’s also my first love, and there’s always going to be something special about that.
I decide to call him instead, wanting to hear his stupid beautiful voice.
“Hey,” he answers, his voice deep and quiet.
“So, you miss me, huh?” I tease, rolling over to my back.
“Maybe,” he says quietly.
