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For Mom, I find a digital picture frame so I can upload photos of myself and life in Minnesota. For Jessica, I buy a gift card. What can I say? I don’t know her that well. Finally, I have to get Stephanie and Olive something. A cute strawberry sweater that looks like both of them would love catches my attention. I guess their sizes and pray for the best.
Right as I decide to text them to meet up, I pass a toy store with books and toys on display, drawing me in. There’s a plushy yellow python at the front, and I snicker at the thought of Elijah holding King last week. Maybe he’d see the humor in this gift. With my last bit of shopping money, I buy the plushy and an ornamental hockey puck made of ceramic and painted black for the Christmas tree.
As I exit the store, I run into Olive and Stephanie, their arms are full of bags and gifts like mine. We head back to the Jeep to drop our stuff off before grabbing an early dinner at Bibio’s.
We take a seat at the front of the restaurant to watch as the snow trickles down and coats the passing cars and pedestrians. Strung across the light poles are various colored Christmas lights that look fuzzy in the white haze. People pass by us wearing gloves, holding hands, and sipping hot drinks. It makes me feel nostalgic, as if I should feel the happiness they’re feeling and winter spirit, but instead I’m an outsider watching them enjoy it. Christmas has felt that way every year since the divorce; something doesn’t quite feel right, like something in my heart is missing. A sense of togetherness, stability, maybe, or innocence that comes with the holidays.
Instead of being a young girl, waiting for presents under the tree, now I’m the one who goes out and buys them and thinks of her mother who’s a thousand miles away. But even with her, something was missing. Not her love, necessarily; just the overall feeling.
I order a ginger ale from the friendly server, wanting to be careful on the roads, but Stephanie and Olive both order lemon drop martinis that look a bit too summery for the season. That’s something I might have done in California with the blue skies, but not here.
“We got Levi a couple gifts, and we got matching onesies with little hockey players on them for Christmas morning,” Olive says, sipping her martini. She snacks on the salad appetizer, using her chopsticks in a way that makes me cringe.
“Cute. Will you three be together on Christmas?” I ask as I move my ginger ale around the wooden tabletop, watching as the condensation drips down the glass.
“I wish,” Stephanie sighs. “Olive is flying back to Ohio in a couple days, and I’ll be at my parents. We’ll have to Facetime, won’t we, sweetie?” she says and rubs Olive’s back.
“Yeah, my parents miss me. I haven’t seen them since the beginning of the school year. My little brother is still at home, so it will be fun to spend time with him.” Olive gives a sweet smile, but I can’t tell if it’s genuine.
“I’ll be doing that with my mom, too. So, I understand how it is being away from the people you love.”
“I never said love…” Olive trails, looking at Stephanie. “But yeah, I love you.”
Stephanie leans in and kisses her softly. Jealousy lightly squeezes at my heart. Not that I want Stephanie to kiss me, but I want that intense feeling they share with each other. I can’t help but think of Elijah and what he’s doing today. When we’re together everything clicks, but even though we live down the hall from each other and work online, it’s like we live in two separate worlds sometimes. Maybe it’s the weather or seeing them together, but I can’t stop thinking about the one word he wants me to say.
I worry that if I say it, I’ll somehow fuck it all up again. If I say it, then does forever mean in five, ten, thirty years? Could he love a fifty-year-old version of me with stretch marks from children and wrinkles on my face from time? I can’t picture that, but I can’t picture it without him, either. I don’t think I could touch another man, or fuck another man, without thinking of Elijah. It would be utterly unfair to compare any human to his magnificence: his ripped body and sexy tattoos, his thick hair and heavy eyelashes, his intense masculine smell and smokey voice. When I get home, I think I’ll have to tell him how I feel. I’m not sure I can keep any decade-long promises, but I can try if it means seeing his brilliant smile again and feeling his body against mine.
I’ve been waiting for a sign to tell me yes, for something out there in the universe to tell me it’s time. But the only thing I’ve faced is uncertainty and nagging memories. I’m sure if I tell him forever, the uncertainty, the constant thinking about him will go away because I will know he’s mine and I won’t let go.
The server comes with our dinners as the night sky has finally taken over. We eat in silence, content and tired.
The ground is more powdery than icy when we walk back to the Jeep. I start the engine and begin the long drive back to the townhouse.
The look of the road makes me nervous as I take careful turns until we arrive. Stephanie and Olive hop out quickly with their bags, and I wish them a happy holiday in case we don’t see or text until after.
I sit in their driveway for a second as the snow continues to fall, texting Elijah that I’m on my way back home with his Jeep. I add that I want to talk about something, but don’t say what. It’s too important to discuss over text, but I don’t want him to leave right when I get home either.
Not wanting to be alone with my thoughts, I turn on my music as I drive back home. The high beams cut through the mist of down pouring white as I drive slowly. Driving alone is scarier for some reason, like my actions aren’t as important because there aren’t other souls with me in the car.
The tires slide a bit as I reach the first of many stop signs to come on the backroads. At least I’m the only person on the road, so I don’t have to worry about sliding into a car in front of me. The snow has really started to pick up, so I try to drive a bit faster to make it home before it’s completely undriveable.
My confidence rises as I go through the next turns with more ease than before, and I’m about halfway through the drive. The Jeep huffs up a hill but, as I start to let it slide down, the front tires hit a patch of ice, spinning the car around. I try to yank the wheel back to gain control. It takes me a second to realize that the car is no longer on the road but flipping over itself. My sense of gravity snatched from beneath me.
By the time the world stops spinning, I’m upside down, still strapped to the seat. The music has stopped, and I can’t find my phone anywhere. My head is screaming. The windshield is broken, letting in the snow. A small trickle of hot blood drips from my head to the roof as I struggle to unsuccessfully unbuckle myself.
The temperature instantly begins to drop as my consciousness goes in and out of focus. I fight the seat belt and try to push open the door, but nothing is working.
Nothing is working…
I’m so cold…
My head…it…it hurts.
38
ELIJAH HAYES
Taylor texts me that she has something she wants to talk about, and I feel like throwing up. That’s never good news, right? I’ve spent the whole day at home, just hanging in my room waiting for her to get back. I thought we could watch the next Harry Potter movie or pick up where we left off in the pool. But maybe I came on too strong last time. I can’t help but come on strong with a girl like her. She’s rare and we have history. I’m not going to let some other fucking loser try to make her feel special when I can make her feel like a queen.
