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"Mind if we go home?" I ask.
"Not at all."
Tal pulls me in for a hug, and even in a crowded bar, in a dark passageway that leads to the restrooms, it's the best fucking hug in the world.
* * *
Half an hour later, we're back at my place and showered. I've even sobered up a bit, too. We're sitting on the couch, cross-legged and facing each other.
"Take two," I begin, and Tal smiles.
"Take your time, Marsh. I'm not going anywhere."
"Thanks." I take a deep breath and launch into it. "Remember earlier today when I asked you about why we've never had sex?"
"Yeah."
"And the second reason you gave is because you assumed we weren't sexually compatible?"
"Yeah…"
"Well, see, that's the thing. Guys always make the same assumption, and it's…it's not actually the case."
"I see."
"I know I project a certain image."
Tal smiles softly. "You mean, like a real-life version of the Brawny Paper Towel man if he were a recluse who kept to himself and looked at people as if he wanted to kill them?"
"Yeah." I crack a small smile. "And I get it. I know I look like a stereotypical mountain man. And in some ways, I am. And I'm not ashamed of that. But there's more to me than just flannel shirts and woodchopping, you know?"
"Of course I know that. You have a…softer side. A sensitivity. When you're around your brothers, you're relaxed and charming and fun. I see the way you've embraced PJ and Eddie as part of your family. You're warm and loving. You're a fantastic guy, Marsh. The best. The absolute fucking best."
"Thanks. But when it comes to love and sex and all that stuff, it's never worked out for me because guys buy into the image they have of me, not the reality. They want an alpha dude. A power top. This big, burly dude to fuck the living daylights out of them."
I breathe in through my nose and exhale audibly. "But the truth is, that's not me. I've never said this to anyone before, but I'm a bottom. And I'm submissive in bed. In a relationship, I want to be me and do all the me things, but I also want to be with someone who makes me feel safe and cared for. That's who I am, what I need, and I can't find anyone who understands that, and it's making me feel like there's something seriously wrong with me."
"There isnothingwrong with you, Marsh," Tal says, his voice carrying an air of authority that makes something in my chest flutter to life. "Everyone is unique and has different wants and needs. How you're wired is how you're wired. There is no shame in that."
"So why can't I find anyone?" I say. "I'm no spring chicken. I'm forty-one, and it hasn't happened. Why? And what if it never does? Am I destined to go through life alone? I'm so happy that my brothers have found someone, but it only amplifies my own loneliness. I've put up so many walls to keep people from knowing who I really am, but all that's done is bury me in a pit of isolation. I don't know what to do. I haven't even met a single guy who I felt safe enough with to open up to like this. Only you, Tal. Only you."
I look over at my friend. His light-gray eyes have turned dark, and it's clear I've stumped him. I've never seen Tal lost for words, but it seems, after all these years, I've finally managed to shut him up.
I feel bad for dumping all of this on him, but I don't have anyone else to talk to about it. But this is my shit to deal with, not his. Maybe it's too much for him?
I decide to lighten the mood a bit. "And now that I'm out of your fuckable age bracket, I've missed my window to have sex with you. I'vereallyfucked myself."
I wait for a smile, for a head shake, for that gleam he gets in his eyes when we're trading quips, but it doesn't come.
Instead, he uncrosses his legs and slides over to me. He takes my hand in his and looks me squarely in the eye. "What if I told you you were wrong?"
"Wrong about what?"
His thumb brushes over the top of my palm. "About missing your window with me."
"I-I don't understand. What are you saying?"
His jaw tightens, as does his grip on my hand. "I'm saying that I'm in love with you, Marsh."
