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I groan as I press my face back against the couch, the place where I’ve been sleeping for the past two weeks. It’s been more than two months since I last wallowed here, and after everything that’s happened, it feels like some awful irony that this is where I find myself. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if it might be better if I could somehow go back and stop myself from ever taking that job to begin with.
At least then I wouldn’t be so miserable.
Lying to Aiden and making him think that I didn’t have timein my life for him and Sophie will go down in history as the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know that ultimately it was necessary, that they will both be better off without me in their lives—but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I don’t think I will ever get his heartbroken expression out of my head. And I have definitely tried.
I can’t even let myself wonder how Sophie might have reacted when she’d learned I was gone—dwelling on that for too long makes me feel like complete garbage instead ofmostlygarbage.There’s no way a ten-year-old can understand complicated nonsense like sacrificing for the greater good. Hell, after weeks of obsessing over the decision, even I think it’s bullshit. Nothing for the greater good should make you feel so shitty.
“You haven’t talked to him since then?”
I shake my head against the couch cushions. “I’m sure that they both would be happy to never see me again.”
“Oh, horseshit. There isn’t anything you could have said that can’t be fixed with a good romp in the hay.”
“There are so many things wrong with what you just said.”
“Everything I say is brilliant.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not even sure where you would find hay in San Diego.”
“You know what I mean.”
“He hates me, Wanda,” I whine, burying my face. “And he should. I was a real asshole.”
“You were doing what you thought you had to,” she offers. “Even if it was stupid as hell.”
“Gee. Thanks.”
“I did try to talk you out of it.”
“I know.” I close my eyes to keep from crying for the hundredth time since I left Aiden’s house. “But it’s better this way.”
Wanda makes a noise that suggests she has a lot to say about that but blessedly says nothing. Not that she hasn’t said plentysince I brought her home from the hospital. I’ve been trying to throw myself into school and the useless endeavor of looking for more work; I would like to say that I’ve been making myself useful to Wanda while she recovers, but it only took about twenty-four hours after she came home for her to decide she had no desire to be “coddled.” Stubborn as a mule, that one. With all the sulking I’ve been doing, it’s more like she’s been taking care of me.
“Why don’t you get out of the house?”
I shake my head. “Don’t want to.”
“You’re haunting this damned place like a ghost. If you don’t go outside soon, you’re gonna start collecting cobwebs.”
“I’m fine, Wanda.”
“Tell that to your hair,” she snorts. “When’s the last time you brushed it?”
“Really great to have you in my corner,” I deadpan. “I feel very nurtured.”
“You want nurturing, get out of my house and go tell that big pretty man that you love him. I bet he’ll give you all the nurturing you want.”
I push up from the couch, rolling my body to the side and getting to my feet. “Okay. I’m going out.”
“To Aiden’s?”
“To thestore.”
“Stubborn ass,” she grumbles.
“Yeah, I love you too.”
I shuffle into my shoes by the door, not bothering to brush my hair like she suggested. As I grab my keys, I catch sight of myself in the little mirror hanging by the front door and notice that I really do look like shit. My auburn hair is sticking up every which way, my normally nice-looking skin sallow—made worse by the bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep. Plus, there’s the overall look of general misery I can’t seem to wipe from my features. Imake a mental note to force myself to take a long, hot shower when I get back from the store as I use a hair tie from my wrist to throw my hair up.
