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Hell, I’m ready to move to Mexico, if that’s what it takes.
25
Stella
The loneliness is getting worse. I fall asleep next to my children every night, crying my heart out before the nightmares settle in for the ride. It’s the same thing every time. Elijah taking Lucas and Ava away. I scream after them, scratching at a window that refuses to open, pounding my fist against a thick layer of glass that won’t break. I watch my son reaching his chubby little hands out, asking for me, calling out for his mommy, and I can’t do a thing about it.
I am helpless as Elijah glances back at me and smiles. “They’re mine, now.”
And every morning I wake up, my eyes stinging with tears and my throat closed up as I look over and see my babies sound asleep beside me. Ava looks so peaceful with her plump cheeks and tiny fists flanking her chestnut curls, while Lucas rolls over and slowly opens his eyes. I’m the first thing he sees when he’s up, and the smile blooming on his face is the most beautiful thing. Once they’re both ready for their day, I wait for Clint to knock on my door while I brew myself a cup of decaf. I’m not a fan, but it does fool my taste buds into thinking I’m getting a healthy dose of coffee before I head out for work.
I’ve recently found a job at a local diner. It isn’t ideal, but it helps pay the bills.
“Good morning, Stella,” Clint says as I welcome him, his sister shyly standing behind him this Saturday morning.
“Good morning, sugar cookies!” I reply. “The kids have just had their breakfast, there’s food in the fridge for them, as usual. I’ve labeled each casserole.”
“And there’s diapers and pull ups in the blue dresser,” Clint finished with a soft smile. “Yes, ma’am, we know the drill. I might teach Sadie how to change a diaper today.”
I laugh as Sadie gives him a worried look with her big blue eyes. “Clint, that’s yucky,” she mumbles.
“He’s just kidding,” I say, then look at the teenage boy. “You’re kidding, right?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure. Sadie got herself in trouble at school yesterday. One hour in detention,” he replies with a cool shrug. “I’m thinking she needs some punishment.”
“Oh, dear. I hope it wasn’t too bad.”
Sadie shakes her head. “No, ma’am. Mom always says if I see somebody bullying somebody else, I should say something.”
“So you said something,” I reply.
“Yeah. And then they said something back,” she lowers her gaze.
“And one thing led to another,” I conclude and grab my purse, checking to make sure I’ve got everything I need. Phone. Charger. Wallet. Keys. Car keys. “Okay, well, I’ll let you two decide who gets to change diapers today, then. I’ve gotta run.”
“We’ll be here,” Clint says.
I give him a warm smile and head out, content my children are safe. It does break my heart knowing Clint has to work weekends for this, but he welcomes the cash, and I need someone I can trust. On weekdays, he comes in at two in the afternoon, right after his classes at the community college, so I always make sure there are extra plates for him and Sadie while they’re here.
On weekends, I’ve picked up extra hours while I can still work in order to save more money for the harder months ahead. It’ll be a difficult winter unless I’m careful, particularly as the pregnancy advances. It’s exhausting, but I manage, at least for the time being. It’s better than Scarborough. Portland has more job opportunities, and I rarely have to use my car since the transit system is pretty good and cheap. I’m saving a fortune on gas.
Today is an exception. It’s raining cats and dogs out there, and I can’t afford to be late.
Once I’m at the diner, I slip into my work shoes and get to work. Saturdays are usually more crowded than what I’m seeing now, but the nasty weather is proficient at keeping people indoors. The tips will be lower, but given how tired I am, I could do with a smidge of peace and quiet. On the other hand, the peace and quiet give me time to miss the guys and my life at the Elizabeth. We had it good there.
There was peace and kindness. I was close to my kids all the time. I had four men aching to be with me, looking for excuses to get me into their bedrooms at night or in their private offices during the day. It was fun and breezy. I miss the trips we took outside of Cape Elizabeth. The laughter. The orgasms. The way they made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the whole world. But it was a dream. A beautiful dream that was never meant to last, and I need to come to terms with that particular truth.
“Table five just asked for their check,” Melissa, my co-worker and fellow waitress says as she stops by the counter. I’m busy cleaning some soda glasses, but I set them aside so I can print the check for my only table this morning.
“Sure thing,” I reply.
“Oh, and there’s someone here to see you,” she adds, then points me to booth number seven in the far corner of our quaint but sparkling clean diner.
My heart stops for a moment, though I’m not sure if it’s out of dread or excitement. I don’t even know who I’m expecting to see. Elijah? No, that would be a nightmare. I’d run away screaming. Isaac or Noah? Beau or Levi? That’s just wishful thinking. I ran away from them already. I’m not ready to face them. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.
But Theo is standing by booth number seven, and I feel my chest suddenly decompressing as I breathe a deep sigh of relief. I light up like the sun and drop the check at table five, then rush over to hug Theo with all the love I’ve got in me.
“Oh, I almost forgot you were coming by today,” I say.
