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Lulu captured my wrist and smashed her face against my hand then sniffed my fingers and licked the tears.
I uttered a sad, little laugh. “Weirdo.”
But Drew and Aithan insisted I was attractive. No, more than that: They said I was sexy. Yet no matter how many times they repeated it, I couldn’t help but doubt their words. There were just too many snide remarks from Tristan, and years of nastiness from schoolmates, and a lifetime of comparisons I made between myself and Greer. I couldn’t overcome those feelings of inadequacy so easily. I wasn’t obese; I knew that, but when I looked in the mirror, I saw fat and flaws.
Worst of all, I couldn’t shake the feeling that people were just being nice when they gave me compliments, that they didn’treallymean the kind words they said. I felt like they were pitying me and thought they were making my life better by lying.
“My head is so fucked up.”
I’d even started thinking that Drew had left me behind while he went to the book signing because he was embarrassed to be seen in public with me. It didn’t matter that yesterday he’d proudly strolled beside me down the street, my arm tucked through his as he smiled and complimented me. The negative voice in my head was always louder than the positive voices in my ears.
But I needed confidence, whether or not I was hearing encouragement or criticism from other people. I needed to feel beautiful. I needed to look in the mirror and like what I saw.
I needed to love myself.
Of course Drew hadn’t left me behind. I had a date with Aithan. He told me to go to coffee because he wanted me to find someone who would make me happy. But did that mean the happiness I had with Drew, as sudden and brief as it had been, was a passing thing? I didn’t want it to be a meaningless fling. I liked Drew. I’dalwaysliked Drew. And I didn’t want our relationship to be a flash in the pan.
I scratched Lulu’s chin. “I want more, Lu.” He knew that didn’t he? I thought so, but …. “I should say it. I need the confidence to stand up and say that I want more than a couple of good fucks.”
It was scary to say aloud, but also exhilarating. I was assertive in my work because I believed in my abilities, but I hadn’t ever been that way in my personal life. That was obvious from all the bullshit I’d taken from Tristan.
“Dammit, Zelda, get your head out of your ass,” I said. “Ask for what you want.”
Drew said I was in charge and it made sense coming from him. He wrote reverse harem, after all. The women in his books were assertive and strong, they surrounded themselves with men who respected and admired them, and they got what they wanted by asking for it. No, by demanding it. That was the kind of woman Drew liked. He didn’t want a wilted flower. I had a feeling Aithan wasn’t interested in a damsel in distress either.
The question was, could I be that assertive woman? Could I see myself the way they did?
“You can, if you just get out of your own goddamn way,” I answered.
Frank appeared at the top of the stairs. Lulu spied him, meowed, and charged him. Both cats wrestled, then raced down the stairs.
The rah-rah speech was good, but I still needed to put it into action, and that was easier said than done. I had a lifetime of self-doubt to overcome. That wasn’t going to go away overnight.
I got up and went to the kitchen. The dishes needed doing, so I tackled them, then went downstairs to clean the cat box. Feeling motivated I kept going and cleaned all the bathrooms, dusted my office, and took out the trash.
I was running the vacuum on the third floor when Drew returned. I didn’t hear him come in, so I came out of the guest bedroom and nearly jumped out of my skin to find him standing at the top of the stairs wearing a shit-eating grin.
I gasped. “Jesus H. Christ, you scared the hell out of me!”
He looked contrite. “Sorry, babe. I called you, but I guess you couldn’t hear me over the vacuum, then I got to the top of the stairs and was enjoying watching you wiggle while you worked.” He cradled my face in his hands and tilted my head back giving me a long, sweet kiss. He wore jeans and a tight, black T-shirt, and his body felt way too sexy under my hands.
“How was the signing? Good turnout?” He looked terrific, and I was grubby and sweaty.
Drew leaned against the half wall that capped the stairs. “Line was out the door and my hand is cramped as fuck, so I’d say it was a success. But I missed having you around.” Frank and Lulu arrived to hiss at the vacuum, the evil monstrosity that terrorized them on a weekly basis. They charged past Drew into the bedroom. He laughed. “I screwed myself when I told you to go have coffee this morning. Honestly, Zel, I’m jealous of Mister Fitness.”
“Why?” Hearing him say it was exciting. It meant there was more to our relationship than fucking in every room of my townhouse.
“Because I’m a possessive motherfucker when it comes to you.” No one could miss the seriousness on his face and in his voice.
“So all of that stuff about us not controlling each other was lip service?” How should I feel about that? “You’re giving me whiplash, Drew.”
He rubbed his hands along in my arms, leaving goose flesh behind. “I know. I’m a hypocrite. But I can’t help it. You know I’ve had a thing for you since the day we met. I can’t just turn off those feelings, Zel, even though I know that’s unfair to you.” He kissed my forehead and hugged me. “It’s my problem, not yours. You keep doing what you’re doing, even if it makes me crazy and horny as hell.”
I nodded and went back to vacuuming because I didn’t really know what to do about his confession. I enjoyed Drew, probably way too much considering he had a longtime girlfriend at home in New York. I didn’t want to give him up, and I didn’t want to take advantage of the confusion he’d confessed to and push him into a corner about us. Especially when there wasn’t really anusyet.
“Well, I asked Aithan over for dinner tomorrow night. And you didn’t exactly come up in the conversation, so what do you want me to do?”
“Me? It’s not up to me what you do. Yeah, I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs about you, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to get between you and another guy. And, no, I definitely don’t expect to be asked to eat with the two of you. That would be really fucking awkward for him.”
