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I swallowed. “But why are friendship and sex mutually exclusive?” Amazingly, I didn’t sound as confused as I felt.
He lowered his arm. Neither of us was popping a boner anymore, so I fished my shirt from the floor and pulled it on.
“Because, lately, when I think of Juju, I see your face.” His gaze searched mine before he continued. “Zelda, I’m not ready to replace her. I don’t want to, and honestly, that’s a big part of why everything got so fucked up with Maeve. She expected more than I could give her, and I pushed into a place I shouldn’t have been, for all the wrong reasons.” He gestured at the bed. “If I keep going with you, it’ll only be to please my dick. Then I’ll be the asshole who can’t follow through for you emotionally, just like I couldn’t with Maeve.” He shook his head as he dragged on his T-shirt. His voice was steadier as he added, “Which is why I’m telling you right now, I cannot be available for you. It’ll be unfair to both of us if I climb into bed with you.”
His certainty was a strange kind of balm for me, and my anxiety eased off the gas just a smidge. I studied him, maybe seeinghimfor the first time. “You might be the most thoughtful man I’ve ever met, Tobias Peters.”
He gave me that winning smile. “My momma raised me to be a gentleman, Zel. I think I pull it off most of the time.”
“So far as I’ve seen, it’s ninety-nine-point-nine-nine percent of the time.”
His expression turned sheepish, and he scratched his jaw. “Yeah, well, unless I get shit-faced with Aithan.”
“I don’t want you to feel guilty.” I patted the space on the bed beside me.
“About getting shit-faced?”
“About anything. About us. About us not being anus. Especially not about putting Amara first.” He settled beside me, his shoulder brushing mine. He rested his hand on his thigh, palm up, and I placed mine upon it. Our fingers threaded together. Sitting there beside Tobias, I wondered if maybe I didn’t need him the way I’d thought, the way I’d led both of us to believe. But if that was the case, why did I feel so drawn to him? What were we supposed to be if not lovers? I blew out a slow breath, annoyed with myself and the way I’d gone from sure of my desire to all mixed up inside about him.
“Why the big sigh?”
Where to start? “I’ve never had a guy friend before.”
His brow furrowed. “I thought wearefriends?”
“We are, but ….” I tilted my head to rest on his shoulder.
“But … you’re not happy being platonic?”
“It’s not that.” I sucked in my bottom lip. “It’s more that I don’t really know how to be ‘just friends’ with men.”
“Why not?”
I shrugged. “Dunno. I don’t have a lot of friends, and the guys I’ve known either wanted to screw or wanted nothing to do with me.”
“Hold up. I call bullshit. You and Drew were ‘just friends’ for years.”
I laughed. “Drew never wanted to be ‘just friends,’ and he wasn’t shy about saying so. He’s too stubborn to give up a pipe dream and cocky enough to make it a reality.”
Tobias grunted. “Well, intimacy doesn’t have to mean sex, Zelda.”
“I guess not.” Aithan had said something similar not too long ago. Maybe this was my chance to understand what he’d meant. I leaned away a bit to look at Tobias. “That was a harsh thing you said. About me grabbing with both hands.”
“You mad?”
“No.” I returned my head to his shoulder. “I’m still wrapping my mind around it, probably will be for a while, but I’m pretty sure you just did me a huge favor.”
“I owed you—”
“You don’t owe me shit.” I poked him in the ribs.
He caught my finger and nodded. “Friends help each other.”
“Yeah, they do.” I wrapped my arms around him and he returned the hug. “Promise me something?”
“What’s that?”
“Promise you’ll always be thoughtful, but honest, with me? Especially when I’m fucking up, ’cause I do that a lot.”
