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But the noise surrounding Elliot is quieter. Girls want their pound of Elliot Eaton’s flesh, but the jury is out on how many have been successful.
A streak of jealousy runs hot through my veins. The idea of him with anyone else makes my stomach curdle.
I have to constantly remind myself he isn’t mine.
Even if he touched me like I was.
I shake my head, forcing the thoughts out as I cut through the post-lunch crush to get to class.
It’s Friday, and I’ll be glad when I can retreat to my room and lock the world away.
“Abi, wait up,” Tally calls after me.
Reluctantly, I slow, waiting for her to catch up. “What’s up?” I ask, hoping she won’t start quizzing me again.
“I’ve barely seen you all week.” Sadness washes over her. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you are avoiding me.”
“I’m not.”
“So where have you been? You won’t sit with us at lunch. You’ve always got a reason you can’t come out with us.” She takes her hand in mine and gives me a soft smile. “I know things are hard, but we’re worried. I’m worried.”
“I’m fine. Just trying to keep myself busy.”
“But I miss you.”
Guilt strikes hard and fast, making me flinch a little. “I miss you too. But things are different now.” My eyes shutter as I try to fight the surge of sadness that crashes into me.
“What do you mean?”
“We only have a few weeks of college left. Then it’ll be the summer.”
“So?” Her eyes crinkle in confusion.
“You all have so much to look forward to, Tally. And I’m happy for you, I am. But I can’t—” The words get stuck so I swallow them down.
I don’t want to have this conversation. Not when I’m barely clinging on by a thread as it is.
Tally is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a best friend. But the secrets between us make her feel like a stranger again. It isn’t her fault, that blame lies with me. I know that. Still, I don’t know how to let her in. Not when she has everything she’s ever wanted. Oakley will give her the world and more and I’m happy for her, I am.
But I’m not that girl.
I’m not the girl who will inspire rich entitled spoiled boys to renovate old buildings into a fancy new student welfare centre or change his manwhorish, drug-taking ways.
I’m not that girl.
And my place isn’t among Tally and her boyfriend and his best friends.
I realise now, it was a fool’s wish to ever think it was.
A small part of Elliot might want me. But he’ll never want me the way I want him.
A sinking feeling spreads through me. I don’t know what Tally sees written all over my face, but it makes her wrap me into a hug.
“Oh, Abs. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You’re so strong, babe. And I don’t care what you think, you are one of us.”
Tears well in my eyes but I tamp down the emotion. Because I can’t fall apart again. Not here. Not in front of her.
If I’m going to survive the rest of the year at All Hallows’ with my secrets intact, I have to do better.
