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I’ve fucked so many women over the past few years. Not a single one of them has stirred any of the kinds of feelings I felt back then.
But Alana.
One look at her down in that basement and everything changed.
Maybe it was because she was trapped.
Or maybe it was something I’d been waiting for.
I guess I’ll never know. But everythingshemade me feel when I was just fifteen came flooding back.
I loved it as much as I hated it.
I have such fond, incredible memories of our short time together.
But I also have such painful, haunting ones too.
It’s not until something lands on the page before me that I realize I’m crying.
Well, maybe not crying. There’s no noise or any of the heart-wracking sobs I remember from back then. But there are tears.
Reaching for the vodka, I down almost half of it in one go, needing something to get me through this.
I shouldn’t have started.
This isn’t cathartic. It’s torture.
It’s exactly why you’ve never taken this suggestion seriously. You knew it would lead you here…
Abandoning the bottle, I scratch my forearms, my eyes lingering on the dark, thick ink that hides so many of my past mistakes.
Evidence of the pain.
Of my attempt to escape it all.
To be with her.
It’s been six years since you left.
That’s more than six times longer than I knew you for.
Yet, right now, it hurts just as much as the day you left.
You broke me.
Do you know that?
You took the one precious thing in my life and you fucked it up.
You fucked me up.
Grasping the bottle again, I try to finish what’s left, but most of it spills down my face, runs down my chest, and soaks into my boxers.
“You fucked me up. And I’ve just let it happen all over again,” I slur as if she’s right here with me. “I fell again, and she left me. Just like you did. Only this time, I’ve no idea where she’s gone.
“Help me. Tell me what to do?” I beg, the vodka drowning out any kind of rational thinking as I happily dive into the darkness that’s been trying to drag me down all day.
All I can hope is that this time, the pain comes to an end.
