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Guilt is a horrible thing. It twists and knots your insides into a pretzel. Colors all the choices you make. Makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong even when you haven’t.
I have lived with the guilt of knowing that my parents split because of me. My mom never wanted to be a mom. I’ve often wondered if my dad tried to tie her down like that on purpose. They got married because she got pregnant. And from that minute on, I feel like she had one foot out the door.
My dad just couldn’t live with that and it drove him crazy. I won’t say it made him do what he did because he’s an adult. He made his own choices. But I can say that they both made choices that I think threw them on the paths they were on. None of them good.
So my life has been a constant whirlwind of guilt and anger over what they did and how it messed up my life. And fear. Fear that my genes come from two such selfish individuals who had no real idea how to love.
And what would I do if the woman I love loved me? I don’t know. I can look at my parents objectively and know they did things wrong. Not so much my mother. She didn’t deserve what happened to her. But she didn’t want me either.
I think I’d want a child of mine. But blood outs right? Would that change if I was faced with choices like theirs. Would I run or just ignore the person I was bound to hurt?
So when I fell in love with Portia? I honestly couldn’t figure out if it was the best or worst day of my life.
Now…I can’t stop thinking about her, dreaming about making her mine. Heck, just kissing her. I’d take anything at this point.
I’ve already done the damage to make her hate me. And I don’t know how to fix it.
Freaking awesome.
CHAPTER5
Portia
Stretching, I wake and open my eyes, groaning when I move and my neck twinges.
I still when I see Trace staring at me, a strange look on his face. Soft and sweet, open, yearning.
I look around and notice that we’re in front of the hideaway. I sit up quickly. “How long have we been here? Why didn’t you wake me?” I ask, pushing my hair out of my eyes, wincing when I glance up in the mirror and see the frazzled mess of curls.
“Ugh. I look a mess.”
“You look beautiful.” He turns away with a huff when I turn to stare at him. He pushes the door open and stalks away from the car, leaving me staring after him.
“Hmmm.” I don’t think Trace has ever said anything nice to me without wanting something in return.
I step out and stretch my neck, watching him look back at me, his eyes heated.
“Come on. Let’s get this over with.” I follow him quietly inside the Hideaway and almost keel over at the loud“Merry Christmas!”as soon as we open the door.
I reel back into Trace’s long, lean body and feel him stiffen behind me. Stepping away quickly, I grumble an apology.
He stalks over to the bar and the bartender smirks at us. “How can I help you?”
“We’re doing a scavenger hunt and we need some of the Butterscotch fudge to take for it.”
The bartender grins. “Great! You’re the first ones to get here.” She rings a bell and the whole bar quiets. I wince and my head pivots right and left slowly.
What the devil?
“We’ve got our first couple. You know what that means.” The whole bar hoots and hollers, stomping their feet.
I glance over at Trace and see that he’s got the same bewildered look on his handsome face.
“You guys have two things you have to do at this stage. The first thing is you have to make up your own partner dance for this song.” She waves a hand and they start playing Christmas Cookies.
I groan and Trace looks like he’s about to lose his mind. But we both nod and then we step out onto the dance floor. Taking off our coats and leaving them on the bar, he takes me in his arms and I sigh, my eyes flying up to his like a magnet looking for true north.
The music starts and we move as one, no words pass between us but it’s like we’ve always danced together.
