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Bourne hated being away from me for even a second but respected my wishes and kept his distance, something I promised we’d never have again, but I lost our baby, so maybe I don’t even deserve him. I wanted time; I didn’t know how long I would need to feel like myself again, if ever. He let me grieve alone until I was ready to mourn with him. I know it’s incredibly selfish of me to shut him out, but this is Bourne being selfless for me. Ellen warned me that Bourne was reaching his breaking point, and it was time for me to return to my husband. Bourneheld my hand for three days while I cried and blamed myself for losing our baby, but as much as he told me repeatedly that it wasn't my fault, I couldn’t hear him, nor could he reach me. Bourne was always near, even in the moments I pushed him away and refused to talk to him.
“It’s a beautiful day outside, probably one of the best since I’ve been here. When I leave, I will miss the island, but you get to stay and enjoy paradise.” She said as she opened the drapes and let the sunshine into our room. I covered my eyes with the blanket, trying to stay in my bubble and not face what awaited me outside.
“What are you doing?” I shouted back at Ellen.
“Get up! You smell and need a shower.”
“I do not smell,” I shouted again, but my words fell on deaf ears as she straightened up our room and ignored me. “Ellen, you're my friend, not my doctor right now, so if you're not going to be a friend when I need one the most, get out.”
“No, I think I'll stay,” she said, not backing down. “It's not your fault, and I know you may not want to hear this. No, I know you don't want to hear this, but you must, Sabina. What happened was a pregnancy under extreme duress that became so fragile that it could not hold inside your body. You did not do anything wrong to cause the miscarriage. It happened because science tells us something was wrong, and your body did its job by rejecting it.”
“Get out; I hate you! Why are you doing this to me?” I shouted as loud as I could, but didn’t leave.
She repeated her earlier words. “No, I think I'll stay,” she said, not backing down. “Where's Lucy?” She asked.
“What?” I asked, wiping away my tears.
“Lucy, she’s your best friend, right? So why am I here and she's not?”
“She wanted to be, but I told her not to come. She's too far into her pregnancy and doesn't need to worry about me.”
“Or maybe you didn't want to see Lucy because she would remind you of your loss and the pain you are feeling right now. Tell me I'm wrong?” I stared into Ellen’s eyes, thought about what she said, and realized she was not wrong. I couldn’t handle seeing Lucy now and told her not to come. When the words finally connected, I screamed so loud that releasing all the feelings I’d been holding in felt freeing.
“Yes, she reminds me of what I don’t have and what she soon will have. Am I a terrible person?”
“Why? Because you want the baby that once upon a time you feared? I can't imagine how you suffered having to live through the years without your mother. I suspect losing her the way you did makes you unwilling to consider being a mom yourself. I have treated hundreds of women worldwide who have experienced joy and loss, but it was their natural-born strength they had deep within themselves not to give up and try again. So, for the last time, I hope I will never have to say these words to you again; you didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing you could have done that would have prevented losing this baby, but the good thing that will come from all of this is the fact that you are young, healthy, and will be able to have a baby when you're ready to try again. I mean, if that's what you want?”
“Yes, it’s what I want. Bourne changed all that for me. His love made me want our baby, and now it's gone. I wanted it so badly, and I knew Bourne was over the moon waiting for the moment he would hold our son or daughter.” I began to cry again, but they weren’t tears of sadness, more like relief that I finally felt like I was coming up for air and could breathe again. She extended her hand and helped me from the bed.
“Come, let me help you clean up, and then let’s get some food in you, and we can talk, okay?” The shower felt cleansing, andI took the extra time for personal grooming, which I neglected. My hair was so long and needed a trim, which Ellen also had a talent for. She combed out my hair, which took a long time since she did it in sections, and after, I felt so much better. “I’m not a master stylist, but I can do an even trim. How about a couple of inches off the bottom?”
“Yeah, sounds good.” I closed my eyes as she trimmed my hair. She kept her word and only took off what she said she would do. Ellen combed out my hair again and placed it in a long braid.
“There, you look beautiful,” she hugged me from behind to make me see myself in the mirror. She was a great friend, and I was happy to have her in my life.
“Thanks to you,” I said.
“Hey, it’s what friends do, and when you’re ready, Lucy will be here too.”
“Ellen, can I ask you something else?”
“Sure, go right ahead,”
“In the time you’ve spent with Edric, has he shared anything about what happened back in Italy?”
“Some of it, but it's not my business, and it's your story, not mine.”
“I know that, but it’s no secret what I was born into, and as much as my mother tried to shield me from it, it was impossible in the end. I knew who they were and what they did, which was pretty bad. I tried to help and give him a choice to let the past go and move on, but he couldn't. Lucas displayed crazed mannerisms in the end, and his maniacal way of thinking drove him over the edge. And now he's gone forever, and so is my baby. I can't help but believe this is my punishment for my brother. A life for a life, isn't that what they say?” She turned me around in my vanity chair so I could face her.
“Oh, Sabina, you don’t really believe that, do you?”
I shrugged and said, “Maybe, I don’t know,” trying hard not to cry again. Ellen pulled me close and hugged me, which was comforting, and then I sat up straight, and she placed her hands on my shoulders.
“Sabina, you’ve been through an ordeal that most people might not have survived as you have. You are a strong woman, but as you know, even strong people sometimes fall. You miscarried a baby, and that loss is indescribable. Your brother changed before your eyes and became a person unrecognizable. I wasn’t there, but from what you’ve told me, I agree that Lucas's emotional state altered his thinking. It drove him to fire his gun and shoot you down, not caring what damage it would inflict on you. If he had any humanity left inside of him, he would have put that gun down, but that's not your story, Sabina, and this is what you need to come to terms with if you are ever going to move on from yet one more tragedy that has befallen you. Don’t you know how much Bourne loves you? Because you should, and as much as it hurts me to see you in this condition, imagine how worse it is to look at Bourne.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your husband is suffering too, alone in his pain. He has nothing but time and will continue to wait until you’re ready, but Sabina, how much longer do you expect him to? He needs his wife, and you need him. The feelings may differ because you carried your child inside your body, but the loss is the same. Sabina, you did a courageous act stepping in front of Gio to protect him because that’s who you are. You have a beautiful heart and soul, and you did not lose your baby because you saved a life; it just doesn’t work that way. We have one short life to live, and what happens doesn’t always happen by chance alone; it happens because we make it happen. We all have choices and actions that define us. Sabina, choosing to avoid Bourne is an action that is hurting your husband, and it’s not okay. Bourneneeds you; you have the strength to overcome this; I know you do. Now show that strength to Bourne and begin to heal together.”
