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He gives me a sharp nod but doesn’t make eye contact with me. “I’ll go see where he is. Hopefully Cole is still out there and can help me.”
I quickly grab his hand before he goes, stopping him. “Please tell him I’m sorry. I’m so, so, so sorry.”
He leans in, kissing my forehead hard before pulling back and staring into my eyes. “This is not your fault. I’ll call the police while I’m out there. This is a crime. Now rest; you need some sleep.”
I nod, falling back onto my pillow, but the fear swimming through my veins won’t let me relax, because it doesn’t matter who gave me those pills; I could have prevented it, just like I could have prevented the rapes.
It seems all I’m good for is getting people hurt.
I numb myself, not wanting to let anything in right now. Not when I’m responsible for so much grief.
I wouldn’t blame CJ if he can’t forgive me.
I’ll never be able to forgive myself.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
It’s been days since we lost our baby. Days of mourning and regret. Mourning for the child we will never get to hold, to watch open their eyes for the first time and take their first breath. Regret for not protecting our child better, for not reporting Mr. Flint when I should have.
I’ve been in a zombie-like state, not really knowing who’s been coming or going, or when. I’ve tried to keep up with what’s going on, but the atmosphere in our flat has been tense, everyone walking around on eggshells.
Ever since we got an update from the police officer in charge of our case, I’ve locked myself away in my room. I can’t bear to be around everyone and endure their sorrow and pity. I just want to mourn my baby, my loss. I want the unbearable pain inside me to go away. I want my heart to stop aching and the pain in my chest to go.
It hasn’t helped that when the police officer in charge reported back, they had nothing but bad news. They tried contacting Mr. Flint to get his statement, but they’ve not managed to locate him. When I told them that was impossible, he had classes to teach, they informed me he had been suspended from the university for gross misconduct.
The anger I felt when he told us he couldn’t be found is something I’d never experienced. I wanted revenge. I wanted him to hurt the way he hurt me. I wanted him to suffer.
He shouldn’t be able to get away with this. Our baby may not have taken their first breath, but they were a living human being growing inside me. He took that away.
If there was any doubt he was innocent, Mr. Flint going missing the night we were in the hospital drove that away. It’s just made him guiltier.
He was meant to be in his classroom, teaching an early morning class, but when Cole, CJ and Dad got there, there was another teacher substituting.
From what my dad said, he had had found CJ and Cole waiting for a taxi outside the hospital, looking ready to tear the world apart. How they managed it, I don’t know, but they got him to calm down enough to find an all-night café near the university. By the time the sun rose, and early morning classes were about begin, CJ had excused himself to go to the toilet. Dad hadn’t realised he had snuck out the back until it was too late. But it was pointless, because, Mr. Flint wasn’t even there.
I reckon if he knew Mr. Flint’s address, he would have turned up there. I’m grateful he wasn’t in the classroom though. As much as I want him to pay for what he’s done, I don’t want to lose CJ in the process.
I wasn’t given details about it, but Cole did say CJ had broken down outside the English department. It’s why it had taken them so long to get back to the hospital that day.
I think that time apart was good for me, in a way, because the second he walked through the door, my brave façade crumbled, and I told him everything I was feeling. I told him how sorry I was, and how he had every right to blame me. I let everything I had stored over the hours he was gone, explode.
He assured me there was nothing to be sorry for, that I didn’t do this, but it’s hard to believe something when that guilt is eating away at you from the inside.
I’ll never get over losing my baby. I’ll always remember and love them. Nothing can ever change that. I just wish I’d had a chance to hold them, to tell them I loved them and would do anything for them.
But that chance was taken away from me.
Cruelly.
There have been moments where I wonder how life can go on. How do I pretend that everything is okay, when it’s not? How can I move on, when a few days ago, I was planning on becoming a mother? It feels selfish and wrong. Sometimes it feels like I’m betraying our child by moving on without them. And I never want them to think they’re being replaced.
Today is the first time CJ hasn’t been with me, catering to my every need, and I miss him terribly. He’s the only thing that is keeping me together right now. Without him, I don’t know what I’d do.
He’s been great and supportive, but I can see the grief in his eyes every time he looks at me. He’s trying to act brave, like he’s getting through this, but I can see through it all. Deep down he’s dying inside, just like me.
He left rather quickly this morning when he got a text message off Cole, and I haven’t heard from him since then. He grabbed his bag and laptop, kissed me goodbye, then left.
A light tap on the door shakes me from my thoughts. “Come in,” I shout, turning down the volume on my television.
