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Willow pops her head in first. “Want some company?”
I study my empty room, feeling alone without CJ, and nod. “You’re late back. Is everything okay?”
She’s hesitant as she sits down next to me on the bed. She faces me, inhaling deeply. “Has Jordan told you about her new friend, Emma?”
The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and I grip my sheets tightly in my fist.
“Yes, why?”
“Jordan and I went to meet up with her. There’s been rumours around the university that she reported Mr. Flint when he cornered her in his office and assaulted her.”
“What?” I yell, feeling my blood boil at hearing his name and what he has done.
She nods solemnly. “Yeah, my feelings exactly.”
“What did she say? Is she okay? What did he do?”
“That’s the thing; she wouldn’t see us. Her cousin, or brother, or whoever he is, said she didn’t want to see anyone at the moment. He did say she has a few bruises, and a broken wrist, but she managed to stop him from going further. The one I think is her boyfriend, he said it could have been a lot worse.”
“I’ve never met her, but I’ve seen her. She’s tiny and so fragile,” I whisper, staring at my sock-covered feet. “Why do I keep doing this to people, Low?”
I feel her eyes on me, but I can’t look at her. Not right now.
“Do what?” she asks, her tone concerned.
I steel myself and turn to her, watching as she flinches away from my expression.
“Cause them pain. Curse them. I had a chance to right a wrong, to avoid further incidents, but I didn’t. I just sat back and ignored what my mind and body was telling me to do. I did it because I’m weak, because I’m scared of what the consequences will be if I’m right, and worse, if I’m wrong,” I tell her, flicking my eyes away. “If she was attacked by Mr. Flint, then it’s because I didn’t report him in the first place. And I should have done it the first time he made me uncomfortable. I just kept thinking, what if it’s just me, what if I’m reading it wrong and what’s happening is harmless? I would have gotten an innocent man fired for nothing. But my intuition was right—I was right, and someone else got hurt because I didn’t listen. It’s a repeating pattern when it comes to me.” I laugh, but there’s no humour in it.
She places a hand on my arm, her eyebrows scrunched together when I peer up at her. “Allie, you don’t really think like that, do you?”
I glance at her with watery eyes. “Yes. Look at how many people lives I’ve ruined, Low. Because of my actions, people got seriously hurt.I lostmy baby because of my stupidity.My baby.”
Her expression morphs from stricken to angry. She smacks me sharply on the shoulder and I yelp, narrowing my eyes at her. “Stop talking bullshit, Allie. You didn’t cause what has happened here anymore than I did. You think you’re the first person who has kept quiet? You’re not. And you won’t be the last. Abused women keep quiet because they are frightened, because they’re afraid of what they’ll do next or afraid of tomorrow. Victims of rape don’t speak out because they feel ashamed, scared, alone. People who are bullied keep quiet because they are afraid it will make the situation worse, or they’ve spoken out and learnt it hasn’t gotten them anywhere.” She pauses, gazing at me closely. “What you did was out of fear, but not because you are weak. You were afraid of what speaking up would do to your family—to your dad and to yourself. You thought it was an isolated incident. But, Allie, the second you found out what he did to me, you spoke out, damned the consequences. And you would have done that if you had found out what he was doing beforehand. You forget, I know you Allie. You don’t have a bad bone in your body. I may not have shown it at the time, but it meant a lot to me that you didn’t lie to me.”
“But I did,” I whisper, lowering my gaze.
She grabs my chin, tilting my head up. “No, you didn’t. I heard you talking to CJ, ya know?”
Perplexed, I shake my head at her. “Talking about what?”
“What Logan did to you,” she whispers. “I also know why you didn’t come between us when you knew what he tried to do. I know your mum threatened you and told you that you’d lose me if you told me. She brainwashed you into thinking I would take his side. You also feared that if I knew, he would do the same to me.”
“I remember telling CJ what he did to me, but I’ve never said the rest,” I tell her, utterly confused.
She smiles, bringing my hand into her lap to hold. “No, but you forget, I watched and listened to your mum belittle you. I watched you shrink into yourself every time she put you down. It might not have registered right away when I first found out, but it’s slowly sunk in. What happened wasn’t your fault. You aren’t to blame. And I don’t care how many times I’ve got to tell you that. If you believed, deep down, that Logan would have hurt me or another person, you would have spoken up. If you were one-hundred percent sure Mr. Flint was a predator, you would have reported him. But because of your good heart, you didn’t want to risk people losing stuff by speaking up. So please,please, stop with this nonsense.”
I don’t think it’s as easy as that but hearing how she sees it has made me pause. I guess to see what she sees will take time. Time I’m willing to give if it stops me from hurting so much.
“I’ll try, but it’s not easy,” I tell her. “I just feel so useless.”
She pulls me towards her, so I rest my head on her shoulder. Her body rumbles beneath me when she speaks. “We all feel like that sometimes, even CJ,” she teases.
I giggle, wrapping my arm around her waist and hugging her. “I love you, Low. You’re the bestest friend a girl could wish for.”
“I try,” she says, then giggles.
We shift so we’re laying with our backs to the pillows, staring up at the ceiling.
