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I walked to the front desk in a stupor and scheduled my next appointment. The nice receptionist told me they would text me updates when the date neared so I wouldn’t forget. I couldn’t even smile pleasantly at her. I just nodded and left with the weight of the world crushing my chest.
I filled my prescriptions and went home.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit something. I wanted someone to tell me it would be okay and I was going to be fine. But it wasn’t going to be fine.
One wing had been clipped, and I’d be damned if the other would be without a fight.
It was when I was alone that the darkness would settle in my veins, when I felt everything I fought to feel that tempted me into conceding.
“I know he’s hot and he’s got a killer body, but you can’t make it obvious. I did that once and it backfired.”
I instantly got heated. “Did what with Kova?”
“Nothing with him. It was with someone else, and it was bad,” Holly said.
Thank God. If Kova had lied to me about being with another gymnast, I would’ve have straight up castrated him.
My heart raced. “There’s nothing going on,” I stated under my breath.
“If I have to emancipate myself from you to go to this meet, I will. You’ll never hear from me again.”
My heart was racing. I didn’t know where that came from or how I even thought of it, but I said it before I could stop myself. I wasn’t denying that I shouldn’t be held accountable for my actions, I just wanted him to realize what I stood to lose, and if he was okay with that.
Dad whipped his head toward me. His eyes were as large as I was sure mine were. A mocking laugh bellowed from his chest. I sat up a little straighter, humiliation burning under my skin.
“You would do that to me? After everything I’ve done for you? You’d legally separate yourself from me?”
No.
As much as I wanted to say yes, I didn’t think I could legally ever do it.
“If I have to, I will,” I said firmly. “I’m almost to the end and I’m not going to walk away from it.”
If I weren’t at the elite level I was in my sport, then I’d end my season early and make a comeback. That wasn’t an option though. This was my one shot, and I had to do what I had to do to make it count.
Dad crossed his arms defensively in front of his chest, trying to camouflage the pain in his eyes. To him, I appeared defiant, but I was weakening inside. It killed me to see him like that. I didn’t want to hurt him and I knew my actions already had. This was just the icing on the cake.
This was part of the chapter when Sophia was with Adrianna in the hospital after Adrianna just woke up.
Indecision crossed Sophia’s eyes. Her remorse hung heavy in the air, and it left me feeling queasy. Softly, she said, “I often wondered if you’d still have the life you have now, or if it would’ve been less if I’d been present. It took years for me to accept you were where you’re supposed to be, and I was okay with it, until today. Now I’m second-guessing myself again, wondering if I had pushed more to be around you if this would’ve happened to you.”
I looked down, embarrassment coloring my cheeks.This, the miscarriage and dislocated arm.
“If you had a mother figure you could confide in, then maybe…” Sophia was quiet, reflective. I glanced up and noticed the tears in her eyes. I could feel her anguish in the way she spoke, the despair she lived with on a daily basis. “I just want you to think about yourself and try not to self-destruct. It’s so easy to do that, especially at your age. I won’t judge you if you want to talk.”
We’d have to choose between being in love and simply breathing. I knew it in my heart we would. We wouldn’t get both. Did anyone anymore? There was no breathing while in love, because love didn’t work like that. Love wasn’t breathing. Love was a rope around my neck. Love made people choose between suffering in the dark or living in a world alone. Love was wild and untamed and unpredictable, and it rarely got a real happy ending.
I stared at him because I loved him and missed him so damn much. Only, he didn’t look back at me one time. It crushed me.
“We need time.”
I stared in shock. I had set myself up.
Realizing I didn’t have the time to give us hurt my heart more than Kova ever could. I only had now. It made me look at myself differently and I didn’t like what I saw. It bothered me that I’d allowed this to happen again, that he couldn’t put me first, because that meant I really was just a stupid, naive, lovesick girl who fell for his beautiful lies.
Sadness overflowed me, replacing my anger. More tears filled my eyes and I fought to keep them back. I was so sick of being this heartbroken girl fighting for someone who would give up on me so easily.
The darkness I tried so hard to stay away from was swallowing me whole. I had allowed my world to be consumed by someone who didn’t do the same for me, and I didn’t know why. When had that even happened? I was a stranger to myself, clouded by the illusion Kova had painted for me. Even Avery had once told me she didn’t know who I was when I was with him.
