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Once I lay down, I typically stayed. I didn’t have the strength to stand. My stomach warmed with cramps and a new wave of lightheadedness took over.
This was a momentous moment.
Once we arrived home from the Games, he wouldn’t be my coach anymore and I wouldn’t be his gymnast.
My spine bowed, and I looked at him helplessly. “Why can’t you ever put me first?”
A tear slipped out of the corner of my eye as I looked back and forth between his unblinking ones. His eyes burned into mine. I wished it didn’t crush me to see him so distraught. I wanted to be stronger. I needed to for me, but I also knew my love for him could not be put to sleep overnight. I couldn’t turn away the man I loved, who was standing in front of me hurting as much as I was. My heart just wouldn’t allow it.
This next part was revised forDismountand the updated storyline.
If Kova had asked me to go to Florida so we could be closer to each other, I would have said yes. We’d be within driving distance. However, I truly thought Georgia was a sign and wanted to tell him. But If Kova wasn’t going to be there for me, then I had no real reason to stay. I sure as hell wasn’t going to wait.
“Adrianna,” Kova called out. “Let me finish.”
What a foolish girl I’d been. I wanted to lift my middle finger to him. I’d been living a dream, expecting to luck out in the end.
“Come here,” he demanded, and I ignored him. A string of Russian flew past his lips as I wrapped my hand around the doorknob.
I had set myself up. Realizing that hurt my heart more than Kova ever could. It made me look at myself differently, and I didn’t like what I saw. It bothered me that I’d allowed this to happen for a second time, because that meant I really was just a stupid, naive, lovesick girl. Sadness overflowed me and replaced my anger. More tears filled my eyes and I fought to keep them back. I was so sick of being this heartbroken girl fighting for someone who would give up on me so easily. I had allowed my view to be clouded by the illusion Kova had painted for me.
The darkness I tried so hard to stay away from was swallowing me whole. And for a second time, I wanted to succumb to it.
I pulled the door open a fraction, and Kova slammed it shut and spun me around. He pressed his back to the door, blocking my escape. A gasp lodged in my throat. I was unprepared for the passion in his touch or the heat of his breath on my cheek.
Saying “I love you” was so much harder than saying “Fuck you” or “I hate you.” I thought he’d rather a “fuck you” because it was easier to handle. All three caused pain. But love, love was putting yourself out there to risk everything. It was the strongest emotion there was. Hate dissipated over time. People didn’t reminisce over hate, they reminisced over love and the way it made them feel. Love grew and intensified over time, and love also wrecked lives.
I was nervous. I wanted to lean down and kiss him, but I was worried he’d reject me. Kova wasn’t one for expressing his feelings. So when he looked at me like he was, I had to use it to my advantage, even if it was wrong of me, because I knew he needed it.
He’d do it for me. Kova would definitely do it for me. And that’s what hurt so much about this.
This man loved me so much, and it was ruining him. He was willing to suffer for a better us one day.
One day.
I placed my hand on his chest. My hips reared back and my inner thighs squeezed around his hips. I wanted to remind him how good we were for each other, that no one would be able to help us but us. Kova was struggling to hold on. It wasn’t just me who needed to release the emotions building inside. Kova needed it too.
This is an intimate conversation between Adrianna and Avery about Kova that took place after the Olympics. A small part of this was salvaged in the final edit ofDismount.
Avery’s voice softened. “He’s not a coward. He’s not prideful. Kova’s surprisingly being selfless. As much as it hurts to hear this, I think he did the right thing even though it’s killing the both of you. You’re strong, he knows that. He knows you’ll get over this.” She paused and pressed her teeth into her lower lip. I could sense her hesitation when she sat up straighter. “I think you need to be on your own for a little while, anyway, like to clear your head. It really helped me, and I think it could help you.”
My pulse quickened. It made me angry with Kova to make a steep decision without discussing it with me first. I thought we were a team.
“He just said he needs time. Should I give it to him?”
“The next couple of weeks are going to suck monkey balls, not just because of Kova, but because of your health too. Your life is about to take a huge turn. You need to take that time to go through the motions and think about yourself and what you want. Reflect, heal, and all that shit. It’s what I did, and it’s what you’ll do too. That way you give yourself time to figure out how to navigate your new life while you figure out who you are.” She stared me in the eye. “That’s when you’ll see just how fucking amazing and worthy you are. When you’re in a good place, you guys will reconnect. You both need this time. Don’t hate me, but that’s just how I feel.”
Tears filled my eyes. I seriously loved my best friend. “I don’t want to be that girl who’s always getting her heart broken when it’s screaming in her face to walk away. How am I the only one who doesn’t see it like that?”
Avery eyed me with sympathy. One corner of her mouth tugged to the side. “You’re not the only one. So many couples have been in our position before. No one sees it until they decide to. I know in the back of my mind Xavier is terrible for me, but that doesn’t stop me from loving him. No one is telling you to stop loving Kova. You can love him for the rest of your life, and no one can take that power away from you. I know right now anything other than a surface friendship with Xavier will lead to heartbreak, and that’s not something I can risk, considering how much of myself I give him as it is. I’m just too fragile for that, and I can admit it. That doesn’t mean I won’t give him a second chance one day. I’m just buying time for us.”
Avery stopped talking and my eyes clenched shut. There was that stupid word again.Time. Shame swept over my cheeks and I sank back into myself. Had I been wrong? Too emotional before? I looked at Avery.
Tears filled my eyes. I seriously loved my best friend.
Every event was simply too much for me and why California was taken off the table. I’d risked my health for my dream, and now I had to be wise and take care of myself first or there would be no dreams to reach for.
Kova liked to watch me on floor. I can’t deny that didn’t go into my decision. It had. But the real truth was I’d chosen the University of Oklahoma for me. I had no desire to go to Georgia, but I probably would’ve to be closer to him, if he wanted me to.
