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When I sat back and thought about each college and where I could see myself living, how much I could handle realistically, I felt a pull to Oklahoma that I couldn’t explain. I’d get the best of both worlds going there. I’d be pushing myself but not killing myself for gymnastics. Oklahoma was calling.
I also saw it as starting over, and I felt something in my soul about that.
Toweling off, I changed into my clothes and then brushed out my knotted, wet locks, trying to be gentle. I’d lost so much hair as it was that I couldn’t afford to lose anymore. Once it was blow dried, I picked up my cell phone and saw that I had missed a text from Avery. I smiled, then slid the screen open to read it.
BFF: Are you excited for Oklahoma? It’s getting close! I still wish you were coming to Florida with me.
I began typing.
Just think, we get to visit each other and attend football games together. But yeah, actually I am getting excited now that I made a final decision.
BFF: Do you even know anything about football?
I thought about that for a second and grinned.
I know they have to get touchdowns and run in spandex pants.
BFF: Lol! Have you told fish lips yet you’re leaving?
My smile faltered and my thumb hovered over the buttons for a moment.
Kova.
I found myself reaching for him to get through a tough moment but then angry at myself the next second for doing so in the first place.
After I left his hotel room that night, I haven’t spoken to him since.
Kova was here, but he wasn’t. He’d been on my mind more so this week than the last two, and I think that was because my time here was coming to an end. In the middle of the night when I’d smell a trace of his cologne, I imagined him holding me. I’d turn over and feel the empty space behind me. One night I swore it was warm. All these feelings would rush into me, and when I opened my eyes and saw it was still dark, I realized my heartbreaking reality.
There was no more Kova and Ria.
The worst part about this week was the type of cold solitude that spread from my heart and through my lungs. The numbing haze left me feeling dark and empty. I wondered if his heart hurt the way mine did.
If I was on his mind the way he was on mine.
If he felt my loss the way I felt his.
I wondered if he’d picked up his phone to call me like I had him numerous times only to not go through with it.
I hoped it wasn’t all one-sided. I prayed it wasn’t, then maybe the unbearable anguish would be justifiable. Because right now I was utterly hopeless. My heart was fucking ruined. I was trying to be a little more reasonable ever since Avery and I had that heart-to-heart in her hotel room. So much easier said than done.
I haven’t spoken to him since that night.
BFF: Wtf? Why am I just hearing about this now? He still hasn’t tried messaging you?
Neither one of us has tried. I thought about using the burner phone you gave me, but…idk I just decided not to. I felt like I needed to not reach out, you know?
In my heart of hearts, where I kept my most private thoughts, the ones that I didn’t share with the world or want to acknowledge myself half the time, I’d known we’d both made a personal decision that night in his hotel room without realizing it.
BFF: When do you leave?
Seven days. I haven’t even started packing yet.
BFF: This doesn’t mean I like him or that I think he deserves anything, but you guys don’t have a normal relationship either, so I think you should tell him soon. Like tomorrow at the latest soon, so you guys have time or whatever.
The thought made my stomach knot. I dreaded telling him and didn’t want to.
I think you’re right, I responded.
