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I did not want to cause her any more pain. I did not want to ruin her happiness again. So I prepared to make the biggest decision of my life.
I had prepared to let her go for good.
I did not want to. It made me sick just thinking about it. but I felt it was the right thing to do. She had suffered so much during the time we were together that I had been in the process of making it my number one goal to never see her like that again. Especially when she had life back in her eyes and a smile that lit up the room.
There was always this notion that she would move on and have boyfriends after us. I had thought I would be able to handle it. I was wrong. I was a man, but I could only handle so much myself.
Multiple pictures appeared the days proceeding.
It fucking gutted me. I did not want to let her go. It was not what I wanted, but it was what she needed. How could she truly be happy if I was still holding on to her.
I knew then that I would not send her any more journals. I loved her too much to interfere. If she was happy with this boy, then I would let her stay happy.
It hurt. God, had it fucking hurt.
For the first time, I truly felt like I had lost Adrianna.
Even now when I looked back on the moment, I can still feel the agony of my decision like it was yesterday. All those doubts come flying back into me. Fear of never being able to see her again. I scooted closer to my wife and breathed her in. I thanked the few lucky stars I had every day for her.
Adrianna did not receive the journals the same time as she had the two previous years. Instead, I wrapped them up and stuffed them into a box and threw them into my attic without allowing a second thought to change my mind.
The plan was to get my shit together and start imagining my life without Ria for good.
I was sick for days. I did not leave my house.
I am not proud to admit that I spent my days locked away with plenty of vodka, trying to drink the memories of Adrianna away.
A couple of weeks later when I felt like I could attempt a life without her, I received a text message that changed everything.
I did not know the phone number, but I knew instantly who it was.
I’m going to assume my journals were lost in the mail.
It was all she said. My fingers had hovered above the keys, debating how I should respond. I could not think straight with how fast my heart was pounding or what I should respond.
I know you read my message. Your phone told me you read it.
My stomach dropped. Then she sent me a screenshot of it showingread receipt. Fuck. I had no idea my phone did that.
I do not want to interfere with your life.
She had been quick to respond.
I can make my own decisions, thank you very much. Now send me my journals, Kova.
I did not respond, but I could feel her impatience suffocating me. She messaged me again shortly after the last one.
I looked forward to the package. I read the journals all the time.
My chest had ached at her words, but knowing she looked forward to my journals lit a spark of hope inside of me that maybe our story was not over.
Years of memories and private thoughts, she kept close to her.
Of course it was what I hoped for, but after so much time had passed, I was trying to be realistic too.
I had shaken my head. It had been too much for me at the time and I put my phone down. I did not know what to do.
The truth was, I was not strong enough to talk to her and not have her as mine. Every ounce of me was screaming that she was still mine and to go get her like I told her I would.
