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“Of course it matters.”
I don’t say anything.
“Is he why you won’t come home?” Clara asks.
I look at her. “I haven’t even been here two months. I’ll be back on the road soon. Why would he be the reason?”
There’s an awkward silence between us as Clara takes another slow sip of her drink, and I get the sense that Jack isn’t really what Clara wants to talk about.
“Why are you here, Clara? What happened?”
She sets her drink on the table. “I told you. I’m quitting med school to become a human statue.”
“Butwhyare you quitting med school?”
“Because I don’t want to be a doctor.”
“That’s not true. You’ve always wanted to be a doctor. You want to be a doctor more than Mom and Dad like talking about being doctors. And that’s... a lot.”
Clara’s gaze is sharp when it meets mine. “Why’dyouquit med school, Raine?”
The question takes me off guard. I don’t see what me quitting med school has to do with anything. “This isn’t about me.”
“Of course it’s about you!” Clara says. “I’m here to seeyou! I thought I’d be going to med school withyou, and then out of nowhere, you’re off on some magical travel adventure! I thought I was supposed to go to Ireland withyou, and you come here without me.”
Now I’m upset. “I was tired of waiting for you! I tried to plan a trip for the summer after you graduated high school, but you decided to take summer classes. When we were in college together, I tried to plan it for our spring break, but you always chose to do alternative spring break instead. I tried to plan a trip the summer before I started med school, and you were too busy with your internship. Don’t act like this is all on me.”
Clara continues as if she hasn’t heard me. “The last time I saw you, you were going on and on about how excited you were to start rotations, and the next thing I know, you’ve dropped out and become a street performer.”
Sebastian yowls from beside me, and I scratch him between the ears, willing my heart to slow. “I know you don’t take me seriously, but—”
“It’s not that I don’t take you seriously, Raine. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand. How can I? You don’t tell me anything. You finished twoyearsof medical school. You were just about to get to the fun part.Somethinghad to have happened.”
“I had a mental breakdown, Clara!”
A hush falls over the pub. Clara blinks at me. I feel myself turning red, but don’t dare look around.
“A breakdown?” Clara says. “What do you mean, you had a breakdown? I thought you just... didn’t want to do it anymore.”
I lean toward Clara over the table, lowering my voice to a reasonable volume. “I was anxious all the time. I had a thousand things to do, a thousand thoughts swirling in my head. And yeah, I know med school is hard for everyone, but it wasn’t just med school that was hard. It was everything. Laundry, and bills, and, yes, school. I was going, going, going until I hit a wall. I couldn’t do it anymore. I’d take out my books but couldn’t make myself study. I’d wake up for class but couldn’t make myself get dressed. And then I found outyouwere starting in the fall, and I couldn’t do that again. I had to get away from my life and find a new one.”
“You couldn’t dowhatagain?”
“Be the disappointment!”
Clara shakes her head. “I don’t understand.”
“Comeon, Clara. As soon as you show up, I get compared to you. And how am I supposed to measure up to Miss Most Likely to Succeed? Miss Popular? Miss Best All Around? And don’t even argue that, because you’ve literally won all of those superlatives at some point. So no, I didn’t want to live in your shadow again, especially when I was already failing. Really, you did me a favor. I would’ve left anyway, but you getting accepted really sped things up.”
“You left because of me?”
As soon as I see the hurt in Clara’s eyes, I wish I could take back every word. “No, Clara. That’s not what I mean. I’m sorry, I’m just—”
“All I ever wanted is to be your friend.” Clara’s voice sounds close to breaking. “You stopped being my friend, and I didn’t know why...”
“We’re sisters, isn’t that better than friends?”
She glares at me. “You know what I mean.”
